"Preventing people from having sex isn't the government's business... it's Blizzard Entertainment's business." -- me
[christian] they just dragged some new grads into my office and asked me to talk
about my group
[christian] "what do you do in a typical day?"
[christian] "more than the recommended dosage," I said
Jason: "Why not pay it? I assume you were parked in a Diamond lot at the time
you received the ticket, and were beyond the time limit?"
Me: "Newp. He was just driving past, and they shot a suction dart onto his window
with a ticket attached."
William: "Actually, I [had] stopped in the street to let a line of baby ducks cross
(which were decoys) when the parking attendant jumped out of the bushes, shoulder-rolled
over the hood of my car, left the ticket, and disappeared into the night."
"That's the benefit of midget porn. It takes less space on your hard drive." -- anon.
Christian: "We at [company] have a firm policy of hiring people regardless of
differences in race, sex, religion, sexual orientation, or ability to do a sort in
less than O(n!)."
James, correcting him: "We at [company] have a firm policy of hiring people regardless
of differences in race, sex, religion, sexual orientation, or ability."
Christian: "I grew up in a state where [MLK day] wasn't a holiday. Every January 18
or so, the editor of the big paper would remind us that [MLK] was a communist and a
plagiarist and an adulterer."
Me: "Was that Arizona?"
Christian: "The other one. New Hampshire."
Me: "Ah. [State motto:] Live Free (as long as you're not black) or Die."
[me] tear gas is for pansies
[me] for real men you need to use something stronger: diarrhea gas
[christian] can they distribute ethiopian food in a gas canister like that?
[me] yes
[me] they use specialized blenders
[christian] awesome
[me] with the following settings:
[me] chop, dice, mince, puree, weaponize
Nghia, commenting on my psyche: "You're dark."
Me: "Thanks! I try to tan as much as possible, though I think most people
would still say I'm pale. I mean ... no one's ever come up to me and said,
'Hey, Dan. You're black, right?'"
Juan Escalante Gonzalez: "Acetaminophen is the only pain killer (that I know
of) that does not make my eyelids swell really bad. ... Pretty much everything
[else] I've tried disfigures my face and requires a shot to get back to normal."
Me: "Have you considered taking the medication orally?"
[matt] okay to be clear, he was really smart
[matt] just had no idea how to act in a company
[matt] or society
[matt] and he also had a small case of ADD
[matt] and by small i mean huge
[christian] "I saw this at the Waterfront Film Festival in Saugatuck, Michigan."
[christian] oh, the old WFF
[christian] i have to say that that's one of the top three film festivals in the saugatuck metropolitan region
[christian] anyway, i was a cunt when I was younger
[james] that's why people fingered you?
"Shh! Don't confuse the issue with logic!" -- me
[anonymous 1] i would bone her seven ways from Sunday
[anonymous 2] i can only think of three ways
[anonymous 1] you clearly have never had sex with a leper
[christian] i figured out my problem
[me] is it your underpants?
[christian] do not call release() when what you want is Release()
[me] especially not in your underpants
"That guy is gayer than Christmas on Fire Island." -- Christian
John Connor: "I guess when they say you can't fight City Hall, they really mean it."
Derek Reese: "Well, whoever said that didn't have as much plastique as we do."
[michaelj] and i was like "fuck that, i'm going to be admiral ackbar"
Margaux, half to herself, in the middle of the work day: "I just feel like a beer."
Me, calling across the office: "What's a beer feel like, Margaux?"
Margaux, sing-songing: "I hate you, Dan."
"The design review I'm in has a document written by someone who thinks apostrophes mean, 'Here comes an S!'" -- Christian
Justin: "I don't understand why you include this irrelevant hyperbola [sic] ..."
Christian: "(y^2 / 9) - (x^2 / 16) = 1. This is a pretty relevant hyperbola."
"My Latin's rusty. I think this track's title means 'I bone my sweet Jesus'." -- me
Jennica: "When do you typically hear about your acceptance or rejection to a law
school? (I didn't apply nor do I ever plan to.)"
Matthew: "Then it's probably going to be awhile."
"I am simply asserting that things fall down. This should come as no controversy." -- Chris C.
Matt: "That research is really awesome. I would love to be able to have someone clone
replacement parts for me as needed."
Christian: "They're called 'interns'."
"Silly market ... always evaluating the perceived worth of a company instead of evaluating the worth that would maximize Dan Grossman's income." -- me
"I check Mormon mailing-list membership to see which married chicks I'm allowed to hit on." -- me
[christian] omg, we are best buds
[christian] you should introduce us so I can ask him out
[me] he's married
[christian] SO AM I
[christian] we have that in common too!
[me] apparently more married than you, though
[christian] listen, every married man is just waiting for the right married
man to come along.
[me] lol
"I'm too married for sex with anyone who isn't really into functional programming and algebraic topology." -- Christian
Me: "I mean, it's midget porn. What's not to like?"
Lindsay: "I know! I've got a big screen TV, so they'd look normal size anyway."
"Plus you never know when you'll need someone to decay your muons for you." -- me
"We probably need a different (more aggressive) model for US-Music-Rap." -- Anil
"We Signed Up For Dodgeball" -- our beach volleyball team name
"Highlights of the Yale Conference of Governors on Climate Change included addresses by California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and R.K. Pachuri, chairman of the Nobel Peach Prize-winning Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change." -- from a Yale newsletter (typo left in for humour)
[me] i know who the guy is who must have written that
[me] his name is "every IMDB user ever"
"My favorite [Metro Transit] 358 experience was when a lady broke the un-lit cigarette she was holding, shrugged her shoulders, and ate it." -- Marc R.
Amanda M.: "I have been vomited on (morning commute), and had the man next to
me poop his pants (night commute) on the 358."
Jason C.: "My bad."
[me] can you fit through a 6-inch gap?
[christian] can your gap fit my 6-incher?
[christian] the career development presentation today featured the world's worst venn diagram, in that it had three circles that did not, in fact, connect
"Is there some twist or something like he/she is a secret agent transsexual?" -- Dmfaust
"You need to give me XXXXX's number. I'll call her like a telemarketer and ask if she's satisfied with her current romance provider. Then I'll offer her a better deal with more minutes and an improved service plan." -- Me, to Lindsay
[me] i got a "Help Me Lose Weight" smoothie from Emerald City Smoothies an hour ago
[me] ingredients: ice, syrup of ipecac
"I will email you further if you have any other questions." -- note left by office furniture mover
[me] i keep waiting for her boyfriend to kick it so she's available
[me] cuz he's like, ancient, n stuff
[me] :D
[rebecca] lol
[rebecca] well
[me] no srsly he's like 50-something
[me] so ... any day now
[christian] jesus man
[christian] i come back from lunch and it's all rectal fish transport
[me] last Thursday at karaoke I was going to try singing Tom Sawyer
[me] and then I remembered that I absolutely suck at that song
[christian] were you going to do the fiddly guitar bits with your mouth?
[christian] do do do do do do, do do do do do
[christian] like the time i did Jimi Hendrix' version of the national anthem at karaoke
[me] :D
[me] no, but I did some nice air guitar during "Keep on Lovin' You"
[me] actually, it probably just looked like I was passing a kidney stone
[me] but I think that's part of being a good air guitarist
"I never played 'golf', the card game. I did play 'card the golfers' when I worked at a country club bar." -- Christian
"One of two things was not kind to her: (a) camera, (b) life." -- me
[me] o0
[me] :P
[me] hmm ... that combination of emoticons doesn't look so great together.
[me] how was the interviewee?
[rebecca] decent for the role we want to bring him in for
[me] head decaf-coffee dumper?
[me] i'm kidding, of course ... I like most of the women in HR
[me] cuz they're HOT MOMMAS
[rebecca] lol
Scott, skydiving instructor: "Ready to jump?"
Me: "I'm ready to fall."
Me: "I heard skydiving is really easy. You just let the Earth do the work."
Scott, skydiving instructor: "Yep. I can guarantee you there will be a landing."
[me] i was somewhat concerned that the force of the tandem parachute's opening
would involuntarily indoctrinate me into the Mile High Club
[me] but fortunately the instructor's penis was more in my back area than my ass area
[christian] oh, so it was like cinemax
[christian] i didn't jump off my ottoman yesterday, which has an even lower rate of fatalities.
[me] did you leave your ottoman at all?
[christian] i try not to. he's always killing armenians.
[christian] i come back and he's shat all over my system of a down records
[christian] so they sound basically the same
[damien] We had mice in our house in Winston-Salem that tried to kill us with arson
[me] they hired someone to burn down your house?
[damien] No, they were much more enterprising and tried to do it themselves by booby-trapping our oven
[me] they put combustible breast implants in your oven?!?!?!
[alex] I dont care what you wear, Im still not going out with you
[me] Alex: you haven't seen me in my clothes
[me] hmm
[me] that came out wrong
[christian] just bring a map
[me] a map to my penis?
[christian] a map of the world, with your penis outlined
[anon] i don't like it when the girl just lies there
[anon2] huh?
[anon2] you actually talk to em?
[anon] well, i want them to react when the donkey punch comes
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