[cash] dan gets 1 share per grant, but he's on the four-grants-a-year program
Stephanie: "You could wear that."
Me, sarcastically: "Oh, this is acceptable, is it?"
Stephanie: "Yeah, I'd hold you on my arm."
Me: "That's not what I'm interested in ..."
ASPCA rep: "Are you an animal lover?"
Cash: "In some senses, yes."
Rep: "Do you have pets?"
Cash: "Yes, I have two cats."
Rep: "Great. The ASPCA blah blah blah dogs and cats blah blah blah."
Cash: "So ... I don't really care for dogs."
Rep: "Okay, I prefer cats myself."
Cash: "So if I give you money, how can I make sure none of it goes to dogs?"
Rep: "No no. Your pledge would go towards helping us build facilities and maintain no-kill shelters, blah blah."
Cash: "But those shelters would help dogs."
Rep: "Right."
Cash: "Okay, so when you guys start a cats-only charity, you should let me know. I'm not spending a dime for a bunch of dog-lovers."
Adam: "What you could do is hook up the flusher on the toilet ..."
Me: "... to like a red light/green light type of thing?"
Adam: "Well, no ... I was going to say to some clamps on his nipples."
[anon] I want to wreck that girl
[me] ...
[anon] No, seriously
[anon] She's quite the little sizzler
[anon] The things I would do to her can't be described without an anatomy book onhand
[cash] you can decide how awesome a pop act is by the length of the busta rhymes cameo
[cash] i was watching some lame-ass soul singer the other day
[cash] she apparently bought the "Friends of Busta" package, which is like the cheapest package
[cash] he just comes in and kinda yells over your chorus
[cash] you can tell people are serious if they pay for the full "Busta Patrons" package
[cash] so a cop got killed in the central district this weekend
[alex] yeah, ive been following that
[me] what was he doing at the time?
[cash] sitting in his car
[alex] they say it looks like an assassination
[me] did his head go back and to the left?
[cash] listen
[cash] tell dan [why X was fired]
[cash] and then have dan encode the message on my guest bathroom's wall in his semen
[cash] "Hmmm. According to my wall, he was fired for splatter splatter tears."
"It's not that I'm a huge fan of Al Qaeda ..." -- Cash
[me] answers the age-old question of what happens when an unstoppable force meets
a 95-pound woman
[adam] I could have told you that after T and I had sex for the first time
[me] T is impressive, but I wouldn't call her an "unstoppable force".
[me] yeah, you should read your email more often :)
[bart] my secretary reads it for me
[me] look, just because she's a woman doesn't mean you can get away with calling Adam your secretary
Me, filling out immunization consent form: "Am I allergic to latex?"
Adam, likewise: "Not after yesterday."
[cash] there is good news in this, of course
[cash] Maurice Clemmons: 4, cops: 1
[cash] i think that means he gets at least one UAV to dispatch
[cash] although i think that's how my wife's butthole got haunted
[cash] oh, wait, DOCK of the bay
[cash] sorry
[cash] Fio made principal
[cash] Boom is trying to eat my headphone cords
"Last night I was playing with three privates." -- me
[cash] i met my wife when she called me a faggot for fragging her
[cash] to be fair, it was only my second time playing Tetris.
[adam] There is no gun range anywhere near West Seattle :(
[alex] yeah there is, White Center.
[adam] Whaaa??
[adam] Where??
[alex] the entire neighborhood.
[mike] speaking of tyler perry
[mike] i saw precious
[mike] holy shit man
[cash] honestly, fuck that shit
[cash] if i want to see fat miserable people i can turn my bathroom mirror into a home theater
[cash] at the olive 8 you can sample the fine cuisine of the food machines
at the bus station
[cash] but you're steps from light rail, so you can just head on over to ...
columbia city, i guess
[me] my designer has a fabulous view of the Greyhound station
[cash] if you go out on the balcony, you can hear the vagrants being knifed
[cash] well, at least if you've maxed out sit rep
[cash] where the fuck are you getting burger ingredients for $.50?
[cash] and a "really good" burger for $3?
[cash] maybe he doesn't know what a hamburger is, and he's just eating, i
dunno, wet paper towels.
[alex] mike: You want to get dinner some where before heading to dans?
* cash coughs.
[me] oh snap
[alex] mike: And eat it off cash's belly?
[cash] YAY
"Luckily you're the only buzzer in my box." -- Adam
[me] but during my vacation I started dating someone else entirely
[alex] OH! Nice. When do we get to meet him?
[me] alas, you won't
[me] he's post-op as of two weeks ago
[me] so you'll only get to meet "her"
"... and while many people say 'bros before hos', I am not one of those people." -- me
This is the greatest and best song in the world ... tribute. Long time ago me and my brother Kyle here ... We was hitchhikin' down a long and lonesome road. All of a sudden, There shined a shiny demon ... In the middle ... Of the road. And he said: "Play the best song in the world, Or I'll eat your souls." Well me and Kyle We looked at each other, And we each said ... "Okay." And we played the first thing that came to our heads Just so happened to be The Best Song in the World It was The Best Song in the World Look into my eyes and it's easy to see One and one make two Two and one make three It was destiny Once every hundred thousand years or so When the sun doth shine and the moon doth glow And the grass doth grow ... Needless to say, The beast was stunned. Whip-crack went his whippet tail, And the beast was done. He asked us: "Be you angels?" And we said, "Nay. We are but men!" ROCK Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-on, Ohhh, whoah, ah-whoah-oh! This is not The Greatest Song in the World, No This is just a tribute Couldn't remember The Greatest Song in the World, No! This is a tribute, oh To The Greatest Song in the World All right! It was The Greatest Song in the World All right! And it was the best mother fuckin' song, The Greatest Song in the world! Allllllright! 'Ti Tuga digga tu Gi Friba fligugibu Uh Fligugigbu Uh Di Ei Friba Du Gi Fligu fligugigugi Flilibili Ah (Bow) (Bow) (Bow) (Ooh) (Bow) (Bi) Fligu wene mamamana Sacrebleu! (Mene) (LUCIFER)! And the peculiar thing is this, my friends: The song we sang on that fateful night it didn't actually sound Anything like this song! This is just a tribute! You gotta believe me! And I wish you were there! Just a matter of opinion. Ah, fuck! Good God, God lovin' , So surprised to find you can't stop me now. I'm on fire-- O hallelujah I'm found! Rich motherfucker compadre oooh (aaaaah)! All right! All right! -- "Tribute" Tenacious D
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