May - September 1999 Oldproj

"And now it turns out that I'm actually fucking a squirrel." -- Me

"So, I forget who came first -- me or God. But I think it was God." -- Anne

Spizzwink #1: "Does this mean all I have to do to get on SNL is suck a little dick?"
Spizzwink #2: "According to my chafed meatstick, you're due for an appearance."

"It's not me, so it's probably other people." -- Shawn

"Other adverse reactions which have occurred rarely are allergic reactions, thrombocytopenic purpura, and hallucinations." -- side effects warning on antibiotic eye drops I'm taking

"Passengers changing planes in the Dallas-Fort Worth airport have the right to be provided with some way to travel the average 17 miles to their connecting gates other than walking or taking a 'tram' that travels at the speed of fingernail growth and at one point passes through Mexico. Also, the Miami, Atlanta and Detroit airports should be renovated with nuclear weapons. The Denver airport is nice but should be moved to the same state as Denver. The Boston airport should also be moved to the same state as Denver; that way it would be easier to get to it from downtown Boston than it is now." -- Dave Barry

Wait Is Over for 'Star Wars' Tickets -- LOS ANGELES (AP)
Next to the actual opening of the new ``Star Wars'' movie, this is the day fans have been waiting for: tickets for ``Star Wars: Episode I -- The Phantom Menace'' were to go on sale this afternoon. Ticket sellers geared up for the expected onslaught by adding staff and equipment. The movie opens on May 19.

"You're good in the bathroom." -- Shakti

"Sorry. The index is generated automatically, and the possibility of a 3-line title had not occurred to me." -- Prof. Eisenstat, re my senior thesis

"Please use other door -- waiting for parts." -- sign on front door of ITS

"Of course, there are other solid candidates in the race, including the heavy Democratic favorite, Al Gore. Al stumbled a few months ago when he made a much-ridiculed speech in which he claimed credit for inventing the Internet. But he rebounded nicely when his staff issued a statement explaining that the vice president was whacked on LSD." -- Dave Barry

"Fucking Catholics." -- Me, during a game of chess, referring to my two bishops, who were both caught in traps

"Your love of gardening will take on new meaning in your life." -- a fortune I recently received in a cookie

'Star Wars' Breaks Record -- LOS ANGELES (AP)
The ``Star Wars'' prequel, ``The Phantom Menace,'' grossed a record $28.5 million on its opening day, topping the single-day box office mark set in 1997 by ``The Lost World: Jurassic Park,'' figures showed today. ``Star Wars'' collected an average of $9,610 at each of the 2,970 locations, some of which have been playing the movie around-the-clock since 12:01 a.m. yesterday.

"Those are socks." -- Jesse, as I hold up the socks I'm about to put on

"... could this be my last e-mail to the Class of 1999? No, I'm sure I have one more in me." -- Master G.

"grosmsna" -- a recent failed attempt at logging in

'Star Wars' Falls Short of Record -- LOS ANGELES (AP)
\ ``Star Wars: Episode I -- The Phantom Menace'' settled for the No. 2 all-time record for a Friday-to-Sunday opening weekend, losing out to the $72.1 million debut of ``The Lost World: Jurassic Park,'' according to estimates. It grossed $61.8 million its opening weekend. However, the prequel shattered a number of records. It had the highest single-day and opening-day grosses ($28.5 million on Wednesday) and became the fastest movie to reach $100 million (five days, versus six for ``Lost World.''). ``The Mummy'' was second this weekend with $13.1 million, while ``Entrapment'' took third place with $5.8 million.

"That's not ironic; that's a lie." -- Jesse

"Can I put this all into one big blue ball?" -- Elizabeth

"I can flatten it again after!" -- Elizabeth, after I refused her above request

"May you all have similar moments of 'fuck it', if that is what you want." -- Sarah

[lkp3] physical principles, schmisical principles

[me] sigh ... it's so comforting to have a bastion of innocence in my presence
[lkp3] bastion of innocence?
[me] you're like an air conditioning filter to my Legionnaire's disease
[me] you're Mobil super-cleansing high-octane gasoline to my dirty fuel injectors
[lkp3] GREAT comparison. i'm like a throat lozenge to shakti's sore throat too
[me] really?
[lkp3] she said so, but i don't really wanna be just a throat lozenge

[me] for instance, quoth Alanis Morisette:--
[lkp3] the speaker of our generation

[lkp3] no, never
[me] never?
[lkp3] well...
[lkp3] hardly ever

Catherine Zeta-Jones: "Have you ever broken the rules?"
Sean Connery: "Never."
CZJ: "No, never?"
SC: "Never." -- from "Entrapment"

Me: "The Livermore Public Library has internet access, so we can check our email there on the weekends."
Keith, referring to the literally dozens of warnings Sandia National Labs gave us summer interns about downloading pornography from the Internet: "And we could get our porn there."

"Well then, rock on, and don't take no for an answer. Take no as a signal to reload your shotgun." -- Me

Me: "It's a very nice keyboard. It makes me happy."
Paul: "You are easily amused."

"Over the years, the social climate of the world has changed to include women in higher social, political, and economic roles than ever before, which is a good thing. ... As a result, there has been a trend to use terms like 'she' and 'her' in a generic way, so as to suggest that women can be just as generic as the next guy. :-)" -- from "Motif Programming Manual", by Dan Heller

"We should form an internet startup that ONLY cleans up forwards." -- Peter

"Just because you can't be sucked into a machine in your office area doesn't mean you are exempt from a fatal exposure." -- part of an article on workplace safety in the June, 1999, issue of "The Porcelain Press" (Sandia's restroom-posted monthly newsletter)

"LEAVE AT 10. SGI BLOWS UP OTHERWISE" -- warning about a variable setting that I found amidst the 22,000 lines of missile-flight code I'm working on

"Well, no, I do think that it's important to have it done because if the surgery WOULD have been useful and wasn't done, then that would be worse than ... ah ... something. It would be bad." -- Anne the Eloquent

"It wasn't the bastard plant; it was some other type of bastard." -- Anne

"Ooo. A manual cut-off. How exciting." -- Anne

"I think someone needs to develop a new strain of maize and subliminally market it as soft-pore corn." -- Pefty

"I saw it in a cartoon, but I think I can do it." -- QotW (last week) here in Building 922, Sandia National Laboratories

"I used to think that unless you'd been through childbirth, and I mean been the donor of childbirth, as opposed to the recipient -- 'cause you know, most of us have been through childbirth ... " -- Me

"Threat Name: cheese" -- from the customer specifications for the missile threat generator I'm working on

"Becca and Mike are learning Ancient Greek at UC Berkeley. What else would English grad students do to relax over the summer?" -- John S.

Corpse Rides Subway for Hours -- NEW YORK (AP)
A passenger seemingly asleep aboard a packed rush-hour subway train was actually dead, possibly for as long as five hours, authorities said. Police said the unidentified man, in his 40s, was on the uptown No. 1 train at least 20 stops yesterday before passengers noticed he was unresponsive and alerted authorities. Police said he appeared to have died of natural causes.

"The Los Angeles Lakers are hoping Phil Jackson, who is here stumping for Democratic presidential candidate Bill Bradley, will stop by and sign a contract to become coach of the team." -- AP News Brief

"We're talking about machines the size of your house with wheels the size of your car, machines that get zero miles per gallon and have the word 'WARNING' in big black letters all over them, followed by statements that inevitably begin, 'TO PREVENT SERIOUS INJURY OR DEATH ...'" -- Dave Barry

"Actually I think the only pictures of you I have are of you pretending to snort Aspirin in my bathroom last year." -- Anne

"Yeah, 'we' 'talk' on a 'regular "basis".'" -- Pefty, a la the Yale "Daily" "News"

"She's weird, though, bear in mind -- and not Yale-weird." -- Pefty

"... but then, hey, I wouldn't especially want my entire wedding to consist of people tossing mustard on my head. Ah, India." -- more Pefty

"In general we should not do anything stupid." -- from an official communique to all Sandia employees regarding protocol for the DOE-ordered stand-down of all operational activities at Sandia, Los Alamos, and Lawrence Livermore National Laboratories, for the sake of a 2-day "security immersion" program to take place next Monday and Tuesday

"Oh! I forgot to tell you what MLA is. It's Modern Language ... something." -- Laura, being oh-so-helpful

"Still, I'm proud of what we did with 'War Zone', because it was a little like someone handing you an inner tube and a tree branch and telling you to make a radio telescope out of it." -- JMS, regarding the premiere episode of "Babylon 5: Crusade", which (1) was forced into the Crusade storyline by TNT, and which (2) sucked because TNT replaced much of the original script after the Crusade people acquiesced to writing it

"Have I told you that I'm encased in a block of cheese?" -- Anne

"You can't elevate your wrist on anything besides cheese?" -- Me

"I'm embarrassed to be seen in cheese." -- Anne

Me: "James Bond never ran around in a suit and yarmulke."
Anne, dismissively, as if I were blatantly lying: "Oh, whatever."
Me, incredulous: "What do you mean?! Have you ever seen James Bond running around in a suit and yarmulke?"

"Computers don't deal in nuances. If I type, 'Is there no friend to rid me of this pestilential priest?' my computer doesn't kill Thomas a Becket for me. It says, 'Bad command or file name,' and waits for me to say what I mean." -- from "Achilles' Choice", by Niven and Barnes

Me: "Wait, what do you mean you don't go for 'softball women'?"
Keith, knowingly: "You know the type. They've got big arms."

"So basically you want a vagina and one earring." -- Keith, on the phone with his friend Andrew

"It's not the vagina that drives me." -- Me

"This is a reminder from Waste Management that it is essential to keep your wastes under your control." -- announcement email from Sandia

"I won't go in the men's room, then." -- woman overheard outside my office

"YISHAI ZVI is the EPICENTER of all that is MANLY" -- Sarah

[me] you didn't feed him?
[lkp3] we thought he was in hibernation!
[me] frogs don't hibernate!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[lkp3] this one did!
[me] it was DEAD!

"... to throw a bleeding man out of your house is just Not A Very Christian Thing To Do." -- Sarah, quoting friend Erik

"I hope you aren't taking some stupid breathing thing." -- Sarah, mixing up Taekwon-Do and Tai Chi

"(Taking this course for someone else is not the ethical thing to do.)" -- note on front page of the Sandia Nat'l Labs Computer Security Course/Exam

"little packets of pure joy" -- Sean, referring to paintballs

"Limits: Humans" -- postscript on an internal Sandia e-mail, apparently referring to the limits on who was allowed to read said mailing

"Sorry, I just heard a busted police siren outside, and it sounded so stupid -- like one of those bird whistles you win at Fun Fair that looks like a bird but sounds like a busted police siren." -- Peter

"I like Smut." -- Laura, regarding her Star Wars honorific title

"At this point, heeding the old maxim that 'all work and no play makes Jack Nicholson try to kill his family with an ax,' ..." -- Dave Barry

"We play music as well as Metallica writes novels." -- official motto of the Rock Bottom Remainders, the band consisting of Dave Barry, Stephen King, Amy Tan, Robert Fulghum, and others

"Dealing with payroll stuff at Yale can be annoying, but I've never seen it be as annoying as it has been for you." -- David Davies, of ITS

"A couple of cars did get together." -- local newsradio traffic reporter

"You were shaking your head like a Fembot gone crazy!" -- Me, after seeing Keith trying to fix his hair

"Whoa! Rough stuff!" -- Me, as the bitchy woman at Captain Aqua's manhandled me in an effort to remove my scuba jacket, which (along with my comment and the fact that this woman was the rudest human Keith or I have met in our entire lives) caused Keith to nearly implode with laughter

Me: "I see, so we suck reflexively."
Anne: "No, that's gross."

"I swear to you that I ate mudpies when I was younger with more intelligence than this woman." -- Rebecca

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown

"It's not that I have a problem with him being a freak and fucking an apple pie ..." -- Keith

"You underestimated the power of Japanese technology!!!" -- Lucifer, in the Japanese-made anime feature, "Angel Cop V"

"The Cox-Dicks Report" -- name of the congressional report detailing the history of security violations at the nation's nuclear laboratories, upon hearing which, in the middle of a Sandia National Laboratories security immersion meeting, I proceeded to choke in an effort to hold back my laughter at the authors' names

"All the world is a stage, and I missed rehearsal." -- QftW in SNL/CA 922

"By the time those ions leave the accelerator, they're going about a tenth the speed of light, so they're really hauling ..." -- John Knezovich, of LLNL, discussing the first and only BIO Accelerator Mass Spectrometer

"It got so bad that I tried positive visualization, as that bastard would call it, and ... I've been trying to think of, for instance, you DESTROYING [him] with ARTILLERY. Only this does not work! The closest I can get to artillery is a mental image of [him] backed up by a soundtrack of you heckling him." -- Sarah

"The Lord God Almighty is returning to [New Haven]. I will send you a commemorative photo, actually, of her at graduation. It's not very often you see that captured on film." -- Sarah

[ssmeland] Why is there a ceremony at the [Tribune Tower]?
[grossman] Why did you buy your mom a clock?

... alternatively ...

[ssmeland] Why is there a ceremony at the [Tribune Tower]?
[grossman] because of the moon rock and the 30th anniversary and Buzz Aldrin and my dad

[grossman] my dad doesn't get back from safari till tomorrow
[ssmeland] Is he in the Raj?
[grossman] nope, Zambia or something ... with my mom and the International Meteoritical Society
[ssmeland] They can't be effective at stalking prey

[grossman] you wanna wanga?
[ssmeland] Jabba no batta

"You can't beat a pair of dykes." -- Alysa, on why her lesbian friends are better company than I

"How do you know God's not a fat black lesbian?" -- Alysa

[ewo3] they're poopy.
[me] yeah, they suck bat feet

[ewo3] You are not a vampire.
[me] why am I not a vampire?

Sarah: Mikey! Look! Y...U...D...S! [points]. Do you know those letters? Have you heard them before?
Michael Landes: EEEEEEEEE [annoying angry noise]
SB: Now, Mike, that is no way to talk about YUDS, Yale University Dining Services, Home of **SAL**.
ML [big smile]: SAAAAAAALLLL. [high-pitched happy squeal].
SB: Oh, that's a good boy.

"Do they know about your inability to have things touch your neck?" -- Sean, regarding a recent application I filled out, on which I had to list my myriad of medical maladies

[grossman] if you wanna talk with her ... go ahead
[ssmeland] Hmmm ... pig on a spit?
[grossman] ... matzah ball soup ... pig on a spit ...
[ssmeland] Consider yourself matzah ball soup
[grossman] awwwwwwwwwww
[ssmeland] I'd rather not try to fool God

[ssmeland] Wrap!
[grossman] ???
[ssmeland] (that should have been "Crap!")
[grossman] wow
[grossman] you REALLY missed the "c"

Apollo 11 Crew Honored -- WASHINGTON (AP)
The astronauts of Apollo 11 were honored today on the 30th anniversary of the first landing on the moon. Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and Michael Collins received the prestigious Langley Gold Medal for aviation and were praised for an ``astonishing'' mission that united the nation. On July 20, 1969, Armstrong and Aldrin landed an Apollo lunar module on the moon's Sea of Tranquility. Hours later, Armstrong descended a ladder and became the first to walk the lunar surface. Collins remained in lunar orbit aboard the command ship, Columbia.

Keith, coyly: "It's not about the weight ..."
Keith and I, simultaneously, in a knowing tone: "It's about the Pegasus."

"The achievements of Apollo were so bold and our subsequent efforts so timid that the energy of those years seems a youthful dream. A generation of space explorers ha[s] languished in Earth orbit almost three decades." -- Buzz Aldrin

"Not that [that] matters, because if it's wrong to bust out the lovin' on a floormate, then skiing the slopes of Mt. Hotstuff with a ROOMMATE is right out." -- Sean

"Go see 'Run Lola Run'; it's entertaining. She runs a lot." -- Lizzie

"Yeah, baby, that's a little bit of alright!" -- Sean

"3 and 2 to [a baseball player], and ... well, he's a lumberjack, and he's OK." -- Sportscenter anchor

Random Glee Clubber, as the YGC tour bus passes a German dog kennel: "Hey Kate, [does] that scene look familiar?"
Div School Kate: "Yeah ... that's the view YOUR DAD saw when I kicked him outta MY BED LAST NIGHT, BIIITCH!!"
YGC: [ooohs and aaahs at Kate's flawless victory]
Kate, after a moment: "Don't fuck with the DIV SCHOOL!!"

"void emptyThreats(); /* ha ha */" -- declaration/comment found in my code

"I'm not really talking to my mother. But I saw a manatee, which pretty much makes up for it." -- anonymous vacationing friend

"Yeah, it's hard to be sexy wearing lead pants." -- Anne

[eds7] POV?
[me] point of view
[eds7] oh ... I was going to say prisoner of vermont
[me] you mean resident of Vermont :)

[me] sorry ... must be starvation kicking in
[eds7] yeah -- gotta watch that

Me: "So, you can probably run a six-minute mile now, right?"
Zaida: "Oh, sure! I can run a six-minute mile ... in about an hour and a half."

Keith: [laughs naughtily]
Me: "Do I want to hear this?"
Keith, still laughing: "No, you don't, but you're gonna!"

"Dude, I finger me more than five times a day." -- Laura

"... all the rest hidden in the background, their widgets unmanaged ..." -- a line from the program summary for my work this summer

"What the hell is philosophy? Is that like psychology?" -- Rocio, another summer intern at Sandia (yes, she was being serious)

Me: "I bet she could drive a car with her [breasts]."
Keith: "No, I don't think so."
Me: "Yeah, I think so."
Keith, apparently trying to say that she would have an accident: "No, I think she would go into the curb."

"Intelligence smells better than horse vagina." -- Keith/Me (one of us said it, but neither of us wants to take credit for it)

[me] because that weekend is Anne Remsen's handfasting
[ewo3] to get married, or is she just having her hands tied together?

"New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group" -- newspaper headline

"We Brookfield divers have a saying: 'God created Candlewood [Lake] to train the faithful.'" -- Sean, a la Paul Muad'dib, referring to the nasty SCUBA conditions in Brookfield, CT

"[GLUB!] [Glub Glub!!!] [Glub glub GLUB!]" -- Me, 15 feet underwater off Breakwater Cove, Monterey, CA, yelling at and pummeling any of the hundred jellyfish that were within arm's reach

"This book is basically just a mix of some Buddhist ideas ... and some Hindu ideas ... and some bad ideas." -- Keith, regarding an awful book he had just finished reading

"They like it hot." -- Lizzie, regarding her cats

"I hope there's some pagan fun stuff that happens, though." -- Lizzie, regarding 8/11's total solar eclipse

"Like a gynecologist at a toystore." -- Lizzie, regarding ... who knows

[ewo3] just for starlet value?
[me] for naked starlet value

"I had a Finnish friend. Her name was Tuuli." -- Lizzie, effectively ending our conversation

"How do I manage my cookies?" -- FAQ on Netscape's Netcenter site

"Your football team always used to kick our football team's ass." -- the CA county cop (hailing from Dolton, IL) who did not ticket me for parking on a county road to watch the Perseids meteor shower at 1:00 am

Me: "Have you heard of the band Yes?"
Mary: "No."

"Oh, right, you're not a pagan." -- Anne R., recalling that I was not among her wicken friends when I asked her if there were any formalities of which I needed to be aware while attending her handfasting ceremony

"Yeah, I was infinite." -- Keith

Dad: "I won one of the office pools yesterday at the baseball game!"
Me: "Really? What did you have to do?"
Dad: "Well, in order for me to win, the Sox had to out-error the Rangers two-to-one. And they didn't disappoint me!"

"Everyone knows that red cars go faster than all other colors. It's a law of physics." -- Laura

"The logic in this one was tight -- i.e. no dangling Japanese guys." -- Dad, regarding The Sixth Sense (and how it was easier to follow than Rising Sun)

"... in Roman times, this must have meant 'you are good with an abacus'." -- Dad, referring to my major as written in Latin on my diploma: "Scientia Computatoria et Arte Mathematica"

"Blood pressure runs in my family." -- girl on LoveLine

"... Tellin' him he wants to introduce him to a friend of his named Aunt Jemima. Go upside his head with a busty black bottle ..." -- Adam Carolla

"The Chinese government has its own way of ensuring that its airlines will be year-2000 compliant, according to Andy Kyte in the Year 2000 Strategies department at Gartner, in Stamford, CT. According to Kyte, the government of China recently issued a directive requiring that the top executives of airlines 'must be in the air on 1 Jan. 2000'." -- CNN, "Y2K Concerns Grow Around the Globe", 8/24/99

"My handwriting teacher in grammer school gave us extra credit ..." -- Laura, apparently not learning quite enough in "grammer" school

"Stop laughing at me. There's nothing wrogn with not being able to spell." -- Laura, responding to my quoting her above and still not getting the hang of it

"'When you come in with a temperature of 107, that's not very compatible with life,' said critical care nurse Susie Faz. 'He's a very lucky man.'" -- CNN

"... minus 100 degrees Fahrenheit below zero ... " -- CNN

"If the payments described in this part are made by or on behalf of the wife or former wife to the husband or former husband instead of vice versa, wherever appropriate to the meaning of this part, the term 'husband' shall be read 'wife' and the term 'wife' shall be read 'husband.'" -- from the California State Tax Code

"A one-character regular expression is a regular expression that matches whatever the one-character regular expression matches." -- from the man page for ed(1)

Me: "Wow, that's an impressive stack of doughnuts we have today."
Jenifer: "Yes, but I don't eat doughnuts."
Me: "Is that religious?"
Jenifer: "No, it's fattening."

"I think you're the only person I know who, rather than try[ing] to store boxes at grad school early, tries to store computer space." -- Avi

"#1 0x30303038 in __0dFColorGtomato ()" -- program location recently reported to me by my debugger

"Nothing rhymes with 'is' at 3:30 am." -- Laura

"Help! Hanif won't leave. And he's pretending to be an ape and he's terrorizing the entire floor and eating bugs out of Lizzie's hair! ... And now he's reading Hamlet in our common room ..." -- Laura

Lizzie, at her YSO audition: "Hi."
Shinik: "Why don't play Beethoven Nine?"
Lizzie: [plays Beethoven Nine]
Shinik: [plays with his computer, scribbles on a list, turns around in his chair so that his back is to her, ruffles through drawers, etc.]

"Researchers say they have found dinosaur footprints believed to be more than 65 million years old in Canada's north." -- another example of CNN's stellar grasp of scientific concepts, such as when the dinosaurs went extinct

"It has been a most dismal year in a dismal century for his last-place Cubs. Everyone is being nice to the manager, because he's not expected to be back next year. The problem areas seem to be pitching, hitting and fielding." -- CNN

Me: "You've gotta get that door thing looked at."
Laura: "I've gotta get a lot of things looked at."

"EXECUTE THE TRANSLATOR" -- comment in my program

"Y5.76K" -- Ben D., regarding the new Jewish year

"Maybe you should try whitewater canoeing next, but I want to be there for that, and you'll have to find some Carnation "Instant Bathroom" if you want to actually enjoy it." -- Sean

"I recently saw Kenneth Branaugh's 'Hamlet' and was not impressed. Yes, he had a splendid English accent, but then again, Branaugh IS English, and then again, Hamlet is ... Danish." -- Sean

"I will send you a complete list with fun facts about the data when I have examined the list for said fun facts." -- Sean

"Mer-peeps" -- Me, collectively pluralizing "merman" and "mermaid"

"Thus, caviar." -- Me, concluding a line of reasoning

"Waiva Wright" -- the actual name of an account manager at the Sandia National Laboratories Federal Credit Union, CA Branch