July - September 1998 Oldproj

Hanif: "You're not making windchimes or slinging trafe?"
Shana Katz: "No ... I've even stopped cringing when I hear windchimes."
Me: "What about cringing when you see trafe?"
Hanif: "I cringe at trafe, but then I eat it."

Me: "Probably his connection got dropped."
Shana: "Oh ... like Diablo."

"Hey, guess what. You were right. I have no idea what that quote was from last night, because it wasn't in my buffer." -- Me

[grossman] so I completed my pyramid
[ssmeland] ??
[grossman] 5*5 Coca-Colas on the bottom, 3*3 Pepsis on top of that, 1 Coke on top of that -- in my office
[ssmeland] typical
[grossman] what?
[ssmeland] it ... mean[s] you're really a programmer
[grossman] oh!!! I thought you meant because I was Jewish!!!

Me: "How's your aunt related to the corporation?"
Jimmy: "She's Mike's wife. Mike Wambsganss is my uncle."
Me: "Really? Wow. So if I killed him that would be a bad thing?"
Jimmy (straight-faced): "No. I'm in his will."

"I have a quotation for you. It was the logout message from when I logged out of the joyce computers: 'The two most common things in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.' I thought of you." -- Rebecca Goodman

"You suck, and the fact that listening to you sing makes me happy is a reflection upon my own lack of musicality." -- Shana

"Julie and I watched Nine Months the other night, and when it was over we were both dripping estrogen ..." -- Shana

"A vigilante who shoots a rapist with his Mac-10 and then holds up a bank with the same Mac-10 is still just a thief. The vigilante who picks off the rapist but keeps his day job is a hero." -- Sean Smeland

Sean's little white angel: "No, Sean, no! Don't even think about it!"
Sean's little red devil: "Oh, let him think about it ... it was fun."
Sean's little white angel, developing a pinkish hue: "It would have been more fun to shove C4 down Sumit's throat! Muhahaha!"

"You got broken piped." -- Rebecca

"And there is a peninsula in my kitchen ..." -- Rebecca

[rgg4] i thought you got broke again
[grossman] no ... my pipe is solid

[rgg4] :(
[grossman] :)
[rgg4] :(
[grossman] :))
[rgg4] :(((
[grossman] :(
[rgg4] :()()()()(
[grossman] :))))

[grossman] I need my tonsils out for other reasons
[grossman] they do weird things
[rgg4] like juggle?
[grossman] you'd be surprised

[rgg4] is there an amusement park near you?
[grossman] what do you call my bedroom?

[rgg4] i haven't run all week,
[rgg4] and i've eaten like a horse.
[grossman] good ... you need some fat on those bones of yours
[grossman] you're like a stick
[rgg4] a really fat stick

[ssmeland] You aged five years from the stress of computer programming this semester.
[grossman] Oh ... so then I'm 8 now?

[grossman] if we could put it in words, we might have a better chance of resolving the problem, but we seem to be having difficulties with our lexicon
[ameyer] yeah, it's always hard to argue when you only use grunts

"The only thing to do is first decide about what you are arguing; otherwise you'll never finish." -- Anne Meyer

[ssmeland] You know what they got arrested for?
[grossman] Shoot, I can't remember ... but the fine was 5 lbs.
[ssmeland] Yes.
[ssmeland] Pissing on a wall
[grossman] Oh ... right ... them, Jesus, and Jesse Helms
[ssmeland] I thought of you
[ssmeland] Actually, Helms could stand to lose five pounds.

"What ... you mean MY vegetables?" -- John Miller (do NOT ask)

[rgg4] I need to kick my ass into gear
[grossman] make sure you pop the clutch

[grossman] yeah, so is my mom
[rgg4] yeah, so's your mom!

"Celine Dion? Why couldn't she have been on the Titanic?" -- a Classic Rock "Quick Review" from WARW 94.7

"Oh yeah! Go God!" -- Sean

"I got ten bucks that says, 'Hi, I'm ten bucks!'" -- Sean

[ssmeland] Dude, your memory is reflective of your buffer, not your plan
[grossman] Right ... Ian was never in my buffer

"With friends like that, who needs enemas?" -- Classic Rock 94.7

[ssmeland] Hey, if I drop nukes in the atmosphere, will you have more free time?
[grossman] Why?
[ssmeland] I'm thinking of ways to destroy the computers of the world, so you'll have less work.
[grossman] I'll have less major too
[ssmeland] But your classes will be easier!
[ssmeland] They'll just be history classes

[grossman] trying to fit it into an impossible question
[grossman] err ... schedule
[grossman] an impossible schedule
[ssmeland] that's quite a typo

10. talking in the bathroom
11. talking before sleep
12. fighting with sheets
  -- Sean, listing things I have to make time for in my schedule next year

[ssmeland] You know what they say about the size of a man's accent ...
[grossman] No, Sean, what do they say?

"You're still on the rebound from the fact that I got naked recline from [name excluded to protect the quasi-innocent] ..." -- anonymous male Yalie

"It could be worse; you could be President Bill Clinton." -- Surf, on Classic Rock 94.7

"Is that a Walkman in your pocket, or are you just happy to hear us?" -- Classic Rock 94.7

"I tend to rate women on a scale of 1 to 1000. I'd give her about an 8." -- Zoltan (stolen from Avi Kogan's .plan -- akogan@fas.harvard.edu)

[grossman] sorry, that was poor
[rgg4] that was poor like a third world nation

[grossman] what did you say that was funny this weekend?
[rgg4] i don't know
[rgg4] i don't have a plan
[rgg4] so it's not my job to remember the funny things that i say
[rgg4] that's your job

"I'm paying for you too ... make it worth my while!" -- Shana

Rebecca: "'Shut the fuck up' is such a cool phrase because depending on the inflection, it can mean so many different things. It can mean 'close your mouth' [or] 'get out' [or] 'you're really pissing me off and if you don't be quiet I'm going to get medieval on your ass and plot to kill all of your family and your unborn children, etc.'"
Me: "I'm so proud of you."

"It only takes one person to start a nude beach." -- public service announcement from Classic Rock 94.7

MIT guy: So if I ask this girl out, do you think she'll say yes?
Zoltan: The odds are good, but the goods are odd.
-- again, from Avi Kogan, akogan@fas.harvard.edu

"No, even I don't think that's a word." -- Rebecca, in response to my asking whether "lattest" is a word

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him, and pitch to the rhino.

"If two trains are 120 miles apart and are traveling toward each other at a constant rate of 30 mph and 40 mph, respectively, how far apart will they be exactly 1 hour before they meet?" -- actual question on an official ETS-authored GRE computer practice test

"I was discussing you and your practices with my professor." -- Rebecca

[grossman] Hmmm ... sex with Pooh.
[rgg4] No. That's wrong.

"He and Charlie are furry voyeurs." -- Rebecca

[grossman] well, what if you can't do what my outer voice asks you?
[rgg4] i'd punch you
[grossman] huh? why?
[rgg4] that ought to silence the outer voice
[rgg4] or at least change it's subject
[rgg4] to "why the hell did you punch me?"

"I don't like to spend a lot of time poking around in my subconscious on these issues; there's albino alligators living down there, y'know." -- JMS

[rgg4] i'm hungry, but alexa isn't home
[grossman] wait ... alexa is your source of food?
[rgg4] no, she's my source of entry

[grossman] Have you heard from [Christian]?
[ssmeland] maybe ...
[ssmeland] I ate a little
[ssmeland] I ate a lot
[ssmeland] I was there when Christian was heard from. That's all I'm saying.

[ssmeland] Hanif has a polan? Wow. Would that make him a Polaner?
[grossman] No, that's a jam.

"WASH ME" -- seen on a VA license plate

"I suspended myself and lost my train of thought." -- Rebecca

"Feeling KK acid stomach coming on. Only one more year, Dan! We will prevail!" -- Sarah B.

"... per the Vorlon connotation of 'nigh'." -- my vote for Sean's impressive word formation of the day

"Oh ... is that the thing you heard about from that other dude?" -- my impressive word formation of the day

"... until I ho myself out to another lab." -- Clara Soh's IWFotD

[ssmeland] Dude, bunnies suck.
[grossman] Yes, especially half-dead bunnies.

"Ok, stpid boy." -- Sean's Impressive Spelling Mistake of the Day

[grossman] hinking is fun
[ssmeland] hinking is nasty

"The United States is a favorite target of militant Islamic fundamentalists." -- an AP report on clari.news.briefs, forgetting (or purposefully ignoring) that ALL Muslim fundamentalists are militant

"it woudlnt' be a conversationg with me if i didn't maul the english language would it?" -- Rebecca

"Short and concise, yet focused and well written." -- recommendation provided by Stanford's CS department for how my Statement of Purpose should be

"I wouldn't go to my own circumcision!" -- Brian

"There are so many lawyers waiting in a line to see me that you'd think I had tobacco leaking out of my breast implants." -- Mr. James, on Newsradio

"And so I forgave him, telling him, 'You know I couldn't stay mad at you.' And then we went out for sushi." -- Rebecca

"Isn't it cute to see all these darling vladi-posters trying to come up with bases for acronyms? Amateurs." -- Sean

"Falling Rock" -- many signs on the PA turnpike

"Consider this a sign from God." -- a PA billboard advertising www.judaism.com

"I would say 'Your mom!' right now, but, well ..." -- Me, to Rebecca, with her mother sitting five feet away

"Man! Your TONSILS have tonsils!" -- Dr. Goodman, examining my throat

Dr. Goodman: "You should be taking an anti-inflammatory. I'd say three ibuprofen, three times a day."
Me, being stupid, not on purpose: "But the bottle says not to take more than six in a 24-hour period."
Dr. Goodman: "... Unless otherwise instructed by a doctor. I'm a doctor."

"Confucius say: Oral sex can make your day. Anal sex can make your whole week." -- WDVE Pittsburgh morning show

"Are you being a girl now?" -- Me, to Rebecca

"Close your legs; my feet are cold." -- Rebecca

"Actually, Pittsburgh is only six blocks wide, and it just seems big because I'm going a different way each time." -- ibid.

"UP (University of Pittsburgh) is the devil." -- ibid.

Me: "Wait ... were we talking about anal sex last night?"
Rebecca, laughing: "No."
Me: "Oh, then that must have been the dream."

Average number of miles per hour by which I exceeded the speed limit during my 460-mile road trip this weekend	15
Number of speeding tickets I got	0
Number of cop cars I saw	1
% utilization of the "Emergency Pull-Off" zones on the PA Turnpike	1
% usefulness of the "Emergency Pull-Off" zones on the PA Turnpike	100
Time to get from the PA/MD border to home, in northern VA, in minutes	45
Amount of Babylon 5 (at 7:00) that I missed by leaving Pittsburgh at 3:30, in minutes	14
Number of Mason-Dixon Line demarcators I passed, in signs	1
Number of said signs that even remotely coincided with the PA/MD border	0

"This road is meant
Only for airport users.
Don't risk a ticket
From our police cruisers."
  -- a series of four signs on the Dulles Airport Access Road

"No man is a failure who enjoys life." -- William Feather

"Come on, Mr. President. Should you really be living in a *White* House? Let's paint that thing ... cream, shall we?" -- DJ on DC101

"Dave: 'General Sherman was a visionary. He just didn't have the nuclear arsenal to do it right.'" -- stolen from ~sdk23/.plan

"So we are joking around, Farber and I, since we can be very affable ..." -- Sarah

"It's summertime; put that top down! ... Okay, now how about the bottoms?" -- sound byte on Classic Rock 94.7

Me: "Okay, I sent you the [faxes]. Hope they weren't intercepted by rebel spies."
Dad: "They were, but I rescued them."

"Dear Mr. Robinson," -- the funniest salutation I've written in a long time, as it conjured up images of Eddie Murphy, whereas the Mr. Robinson in question is the new executive director of the Slifka Center

[ssmeland] Let's play a game. It's called fall off your chair and twitch.
[grossman] Retchin Judy! From Milton Bradley, right?
[ssmeland] Have you won yet?
[grossman] It's a companion pack ... buy Trivial Pursuit V, get Retchin Judy for half price.
[ssmeland] Yes, it comes with a complimentary set of MY ASS.

[grossman] She can more.
[ssmeland] But can she |more?

"The Monica Missiles" -- apropos headline in a Turkish daily newspaper

"So I can feed you soft food and stuff like that, as long as you keep your navel covered, you lousy math major, you." -- Sarah

Me: "Go Lutherans."
Sarah: "They rock my world."

"... and says, 'What ARE YOU DOING?' and I say, 'Chill, Grauman, I'm putting on my clothes,' and then he says, 'No, really, what are you DOING that takes so long?' and I said to him, 'JESSE, I'M PUTTING ON MY PANTS SO I CAN COME OVER. I'LL BE RIGHT THERE!' and he says, 'AAAAAAA! Don't tell me THAT!!!!'" -- Sarah

[ssmeland] So, Moses had a bad lisp
[ssmeland] Confucius was BUTT ugly
[ssmeland] Jesus was scrawny
[ssmeland] and Joyce was completely incomprehensible
[ssmeland] Hmmm

[ssmeland] Yeah, your mom.
[grossman] Speaking of my mom, I should get back to work.

"... except for Dan, whose hatred for Claire's extends far beyond my own, even to their cake ..." -- Sarah

Me, to an ant I am stomping on: "Die! You punk butt whore!"
Rebecca: "I don't think ants can be whores."
Me: "I could pimp them."

[rgg4] come over please!
[grossman] hey! I came to Pittsburgh, all right?
[rgg4] think about how much easier this is ... just walk across york street

Sean: "Liz is built completely differently from anyone else I know."
Me: "She has no arms?"
Sean: "Not that different."

"If you defecate or urinate on me, I will never speak to you again." -- Rebecca

Me: "It's a good thing I was wearing my kneepads."
Sean: "Yes, this is why we wear them: 'Oh look! That used to be a ligament! There's my kneecap rolling down the street!'"
Shana, chirping: "Yay!"
Sean and me: "What!?"
Shana: "I told you I got cynical over the summer."
Sean: "That's not cynical; that's sadistic."

"Oh. I forgot she lives on the 90th floor." -- Sean, as we begin the climb up to Rebecca's room

Me, in pain: "Ow!"
Sean: "What?"
Me: "I just hit myself on the back of the head with the hammer."
Sean, laughing: "You dork!"
Me, still in pain: "Ow!"

"This preview is rated YGC -- for 'You're Gonna Come'." -- Matt Scherb, holding a YGC banner at the beginning of a movie preview-like Glee Club skit

"This is your lucky one." -- Nate, at my third Spizzwinks(?) audition in as many years

Me: "I'll be singing Katie's solo from 'Don't Let Your Heart'."
Random Spizzwinks(?): "Yes! Awesome! Cool! Go for it! Nice!"
Me: "Actually ... um ... no."

"Oh, my God! ... Literally!" -- Me, upon seeing Katie Rasmussen at dinner

"Your roommates hips are out of control." -- Katie

"I don't know if we can allow this at the Kosher Kitchen. This could lead to mixed dancing." -- Sarah

"Are you shoveling shit? What are you doing? Are you making bagels? ... What the fuck are you doing?" -- Sarah, in response to Sean's charades

"I've never before spoken with a woman while she was beating her breasts." -- Sean

Rebecca: "I jizzed on my sheets last night."
Me: "What?!"
Rebecca: "Just kidding. I spilled milk on them last week."

"I don't just want to be known as 'that jizz girl'." -- Rebecca

"Kinda random, but, hey, free dummy." -- Peter Kaplan

"My male 'bathroom buddies' are just weird.
1. There are ALWAYS two of them in there.
2. They always sing. Loudly. And to each other.
3. They turn the sensor off and brush their teeth by candlelight (I'm not making this up!)
... At least they put the toilet seat down."
  -- a description of Sean and me as posted to the Yale Precision Marching Band e-mail discussion list by an as yet undetermined floormate, intercepted by our spies "in positions of importance"

Sean, referring to the cockpit voice recorder from Swissair Flight 111: "Yeah, but there's like six minutes of it missing from the end."
Me: "Like the Nixon tapes."
Sean: "I don't think they had time to doctor the tapes as they were goin g down."
Me: "No, that's probably why the plane crashed. Because the copilot was busy doctoring the tapes. 'Oh shit, they're gonna find the voice recorder. Quick, doctor it!'"
Sean: "No, it was because the copilot was busy giving the pilot a blow job."
Me, confused: "But they were both men."
Sean, after a moment's pause and a stern look, didactically: "They're Swiss."
Me, simultaneously epiphanizing: "Ohhh ... they're Swiss."

My computer: "Father!"
Sean, as he presses CMD-. emphatically: "Shut up!"

"Everyone at Yale is attractive mostly." -- Julie Weise

"Of course I looked at an old email of yours. Where else does one find excessive numbers of digits of pi floating around?" -- Clara Sturges

"I have a nifty little memory." -- Netanya Sandler

"I know, I know, but what can you do? ... You could go fossil hunting in Ohio, that's what you could do." -- Peter

"Actually, they inserted a leprechaun." -- Shana

Brian: "So, this woman's been in the bathroom for like half an hour. I'm starting to get really frustrated."
Me: "So is she, apparently."

Shmuel Nadata, contemplatively: "N.B. ..."
Me: "'National broadcasting'?"
Shmuel: "I was thinking 'not butch'."

"I was going to say 'universe', but 'pharmacy' works." -- Anne