May - July 1998 Oldproj

"I've had my brain since high school." -- Jenn from Fargo, MN

"Yes, now I can't find me either." -- Sean Smeland

"I like to ... oh, wait. That was almost wrong. ... I had to pull up to get partial credit." -- Sean

"The Photoduplication Service can provide microfilm or facsimile prints of over 40 million items in 10,000 separate manuscript collections, including:
* The Magna Carta
* Presidential papers
* NAACP papers
* Thomas Jefferson's draft of the Declaration of Independence
* Papers of Frederick Douglass
* Drafts of the Bill of Rights and the Declaration of Independence"

[ssmeland] OK, I'm making the jump to light speed
[ssmeland] See you in
[ssmeland: End of message]

"Dude ... just because your ass is involved doesn't mean I was referring to anything anal in nature." -- Me, to Rebecca Goodman

Me: "That's because there's nothing RESEMBLING a piece of Kosher meat ANYWHERE near Northern Virginia."
Shana: "Except for you, dear."

"Crumpet-eating whores." -- term used by Larry the Cable Guy on Baltimore's 98 Rock for "The Spice Girls"

Me, at the Library of Congress, holding a 400+ page book covering ALL of modern naval mine warfare: "Does the Library have any special service whereby I can get a copy of this whole book?"
Guy behind the counter, with an expression on his face like I'M the stupid one: "Well, we have copier machines right over there."

"I keep fingering you, and there's nothing there." -- Me, to Shana

"If you have something that you would like to have hung - please send me an email." -- Maribeth, Metron's Human Resources Administrator

"Huggle Wuggles," -- Anne Meyer's first non-adverbial pre-signature phrase in recent memory

"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure." -- a professor at the University of Chicago

[ssmeland] Hell yeah.
[grossman] Dude ... hell YEAH!
[ssmeland] No, HELL yeah.
[grossman] Oh ... well yeah.

[ssmeland] I was going off about pneumatic tubeways, and she was applying them to the office executives.
[grossman] That sounds obscene!

"Well, a little bump on your head is better than a little BODY on your head." -- Sean

"So, wait, your memory only extends as far [back] as your buffer?" -- Sean

"I must now go witness some meat." -- Sarah Beck

[ssmeland] Or are you more afraid of them defacing the Capitol?
[grossman] Something like that ... but that's [more] for Jesus and his urine.

"May he die a thousand painful deaths every night in his dreams. ... Being able to punish people in their dreams would be so effective. In ten years, the pantheon Webmaster will die more than three and a half MILLION times painfully. Where else can you get that kind of return on an investment?" -- Sean

"As we have said, integer variables are variables that can only have values that are whole numbers. The number of players on a football team is an integer, at least at the beginning of the game." -- "Beginning Visual C++ 5.0"

"Is he promiscuous, or just African?" -- Sean

John Connor: "We won't make it, will we? Humans, I mean."
The Terminator: "It is in your nature to destroy yourselves."

"That wasn't just pretty; that was beautiful. [Camera switches from replay to a shot of Dennis.] I'm talking about the play -- not Dennis Rodman." -- Bob Costas, during Game 3

Warren: "Guess who just passed away. Bob Hope!"
Sean: "Really?"
Charlie: "Oh no."
Warren: "That's two legends in one month. Can you believe it?"
Charlie: "At least they don't have to worry about the year 2000!"

Stuart Scott (of ESPN): "We could beat around the bush and talk about your 10 scoring titles or your five MVP awards, or we could talk about what everybody wants to know. If you had to make a decision right now, would you come back next season?"
Michael Jordan: "That's a hard decision to make right now because there are a lot of unanswered questions. Scottie Pippen. Phil Jackson. Keeping the whole team intact. So it's like walking in the dark. I don't want to walk in the dark. I've got better vision when I walk in the room and make sure the lights are on."

"Ick ... lack of terminal glottal!!!!!" -- Me

"He is a punk. I have a phone. Does that answer your questions?" -- Me

"I go by Joe. Call me Joe. Joe is fine. Joe is simpler to spell, quicker to type, friendlier on-screen, one syllable. Michael is two syllables, and I don't respond to it. Straczynski, pronounced just right and with the proper force behind it, can actually strike a cow dead at twenty paces." -- J. Michael Straczynski, on how he likes to be addressed in emails

"The opinions expressed herein are probably not those of Qualcomm. We don't really agree on all that much...." -- .sig of a Qualcomm employee

"He's so dumb, he couldn't program his way out of a for-loop." -- seen on rec.humor.oracle

"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean there isn't someone out to get me." -- Aaron Brezenski

Sean, to Elizabeth Saunders: "Log on again tomorrow. We're usually here."
Me: "We're always here."

"Whoa! I can see again!!!!!" -- Elizabeth, upon Sean disconnecting from ytalk

"If it were proven that there is no God there would be no religion. But also if it were proven that there is a God, there would be no religion. The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty: not knowing what comes next." -- Ursula K. Le Guin in "The Left Hand of Darkness"

"The waiter was definitely a prick, but then, he was also French, so what do you expect?" -- Tom Maddox

"An IF that is nested inside another can also contain a nested IF. You can generally continue nesting IFs one inside the other like this for as long as you know what you are doing." -- "Beginning Visual C++ 5"

[ssmeland] I just logged into morpheus.
[grossman] Spontaneously? Are you saying your connections are autotelic? Isn't this what caused Judgement Day in T2?

"I can see your morpheus." -- Sean

[ssmeland] Mmmm, mmmm! Kentucky-fried lovin'!
[grossman] So YOU'RE the "chicken lover" from South Park.
[ssmeland] Who said anything about chicken? ... KIM'S from Kentucky.
[grossman] Ohhhhhhh ... is she FRIED?
[ssmeland] No, but she's so hot I'M getting fried.
[grossman] Hmmm ... then the grammar almost but does not quite work out in your phrase. Because your loving is not Kentucky-fried -- maybe Kentucky-FIRED.
[ssmeland] Nah, it works. I'm Kentucky fried.
...
[ssmeland] Actually, I'm not. Kim's not from Kentucky. She's from New Milford.
[grossman] Oh ... she changed her place of birth in the last two minutes? Why did you think she was from Kentucky?
[ssmeland] I didn't think that.
[grossman] Then why were you Kentucky-fried?
[ssmeland] I'm not.
[grossman] Shall I cut and paste from your previous statements?
[ssmeland] You can. It would do you no good.
[grossman] You're strange.
[ssmeland] Yes, but I'm enjoying my fried chicken.
[grossman] [sigh] Time to compile some more.
[grossman: End of message]
[ssmeland] Compile this.
[ssmeland: End of message]

"Quick moment for us ... You know, it's people like Magic Johnson and Wilt Chamberlain who made basketball the sport it is today, and while Michael Jordan will be winning his sixth championship ring this year, it's important to remember that he's playing a game that they built. It's just like here at The Daily Show. Some day, I'll be gone, and another person -- or woman -- will be sitting right here. And when that day comes, we should remember that they're part of a network that was built ... by South Park." -- Craig Kilborn, on The Daily Show, 6/9/98

"This week over 2500 people have died in India as a result of a tremendous heat wave they're having there. So ... I guess they have time to build an atomic BOMB, but not an AIR CONDITIONER." -- Jay Leno, 6/9/98

"When hell freezes over, we can all play hockey there." -- .sig on RASTB5M

Lopez: "Do you want to go to the video store and take another look at the ALAMO?!"
Other radio guy: "Oh! Yeah! FIVE MILLION GUYS come and beat up a guy and his friends and suddenly Mexico's a WORLD POWER! ... When you can run a car engine on fajitas, then come talk to me."
Lopez: "You can!"

"I am trying to find out where everyone is seeing the system requirements. I am the Producer for this game, and I haven't even determined what they will be yet." -- Ken Prugh, Producer, Babylon 5 Space Combat Simulator, in response to apparently misguided postings to the B5 newsgroup regarding the outlandish system requirements of the game

Q to JMS, executive producer of Babylon 5: Is B5 just [various other sci-fi books and series] with the serial numbers filed off?
A: I'm sorry if I'm a bit cranky in answering this, but Jesus Christ, people, give it a rest and stop looking for references that don't exist. There are only so many permutations in the English language, and something has got to echo somewhere for everyone ... but that ain't the source. "Oh, look, he used the word THE in this episode, he must be nodding at The Ipcriss Files or THEM, just leaving off the M to throw us off."

President Clinton: "What is Pakistan's major export?"
Pakistani Ambassador: "Flies."
President Clinton: "All right ... and what is India's major export?"
Indian Ambassador: "Pakistanis."

"Michael, to the baseline, draws the contact AND the foul!" -- Bob Costas, unconsciously attesting to the existence of an inherent discrimination of NBA officials against the Chicago Bulls, as contact while driving to the basket is NECESSARILY grounds for a foul

Reporter: "Scottie, what exactly was your injury, and how did it happen?"
Scottie Pippen, shrugging, then smiling: "Took too many charges from Karl Malone."

"All the variables and data types that we have seen up to now have consisted of a single type of entity -- a number of some kind, a character, or a string. Life, the universe and everything are usually a bit more complicated than that, unless you are among those who believe that the answer is always 42, in which case all you ever need is an INT." -- Beginning Visual C++ 5

Neroon, smirking: "Perhaps there was some small wisdom in letting your people live."
Sinclair, smiling amiably: "We like to think so."

"Taco Bell is listed as a restaurant, not a gas station.
One Jack who uses gas is Jack Kevorkian.
Another name for Jack Kevorkian is 'Doctor Death'.
Keith Richards may be dead, we can't tell.
Brian Jones is definitely dead.
I can't tell WHAT Mick's saying here.
Elderly people often mumble.
People with gas are often unpopular in elevators.
In fact, people with gas are usually unpopular everywhere."

"To draw an analogy, once you have arranged for a brilliant surgeon such as Dr. Kildare, whose skills [have been] honed over years of training, to do things to your insides, letting the local plumber, bricklayer or the folks from Hill Street Blues have a go hardly seems appropriate somehow." -- from Beginning Visual C++ 5

"A 1975 inquiry into the cause of the [USS] MAINE's destruction established conclusively the ship's own magazine exploded. Before arriving in Cuba, the ship rode out a hurricane during which its coal stores were soaked. By the time the MAINE arrived in Cuba, its coal bunkers were filled with methane. A fire or explosion there would quickly have spread to the nearby magazines." -- from Guide to Naval Mine Warfare, regarding the alleged mining of the USS MAINE in 1898, which precipitated the Spanish-American War, during which "Remember the Maine!" was a commonplace battlecry among the American forces

"Yes, she may eat like a bird, but around the McDonald's Big Extra Meal, she'll eat like a large, carniverous bird!" -- narrator in McDonald's radio ad

"Their equipment is antiquated. Maintenance is poor. Their attitude seems to be 'If it ain't broke, don't fix it'. Which is fine if it's a toaster, but if it's a helicopter, you need to do the suggested maintenance procedures." -- June Dreyer, a military expert at the University of Miami, on the state of China's military force structure

"It's going to be hot as hell with clouds of smog that will burn the insides of your lungs like the fires of hell." -- 98 Rock meteorologist

B5 fan: "It's almost as if you do some of these things [in the series] on purpose. I can see it now ... [you're thinking,] 'This'll get those little nitpickers. They'll think I've screwed up for a few weeks and then I'll make them eat crow.'"
JMS, exec. prod. of B5: "Not that, no, but when some people do jump on these things, figuring it's a screwup on my part, I can't help but think, 'Don't you know what show you're dealing with here? This is Babylon 5, we don't MAKE those kind of mistakes.'"

Another B5 fan: "Did you live a previous life as the Marquis de Sade in preparation for what you do to us viewers?"
JMS: "A man must have hobbies."

A third B5 fan: "How would you describe your experience with producing/ writing a long running show?"
JMS: "In some ways, you lose some things ... you lose days and weeks and months spent just writing, you lose seeing movies on the big screen instead of cable at 3 a.m., you lose some friends because you never see them anymore and they get tired of sending you invitations they know you don't have time to accept ... there just isn't time for anything else. I sat down at my keyboard in 1993 to begin work on B5. And I looked up for a moment in 1998 when we finished. That's it."

James Hetfield: "You guys wanna hear some more?"
Audience: "YEAH!!!"
Hetfield: "Or do you want to hear a LOT more?"
Audience: [deafening roar of approval]
Hetfield, imitating the audience: "Yeah, James, just play everything."

"These people make Elvis look anorexic. Stop eating! ... And they have all these ways of saying they're not fat. 'I'm not fat; I'm husky.' 'I'm big-boned.' You're not big-boned, you're big-assed! Dinosaurs were big-boned. Put the fork down!" -- Denis Leary

"It's a lie! It's not real! It's the illusion of modem-ness!" -- Brian

"God be between you and harm in all the dark places where you must walk." -- an ancient Egyptian blessing

Cool Yalies Sean and I met in D.C. on the 4th of July
Judy Gerring, John Evans, Mike Stafford, Jeremy Clain, Brian Vogt (alum), Heidi Vogt, Erin White, Sofia Yakren, Howard (a man who needs no last name), Dylan Chan, Amy Kappelman, Lucas Campos, about 10 people I know by face but not by name, and a whole bunch more -- go Yale!

Sean: "There is a woodchuck scampering across the grass outside the window in my office."
Me: "I hope that's a metaphor for something."

"I think I'm a pacifist. ... But I kinda want to join the army." -- Rebecca

[grossman] you speed demon you
[rgg4] that better have been serious
[rgg4] i am a fast typer
[rgg4] everyone tells me so
[rgg4] they think it's a turn on
[grossman] ummm ... are you okay?
[rgg4] all the hookers are using it now
[rgg4] they have these terminals set up in the brothels
[grossman] :)
[rgg4] and then the hookers type really fast and the guys get off on it.
[rgg4] really i saw it on jerry

[grossman] yeb
[rgg4] ybe

"And there is a big difference between 80 [dollars] and free." -- Rebecca

Me: "Anyway, talk to you soon."
Sean: "Not if your mouth is stapled shut."

"I love nude mice. You should too." -- Jon Bock

Sarah: "Uh, discotheques and I, we ..."
Roommate: "Oh, that's right, you're Jewish!"
Sarah: ?

[grossman] I'd miss you if you died
[rgg4] you could visit my grave
[grossman] yeah ... but that's not much fun
[rgg4] maybe i'd even haunt you
[rgg4] wouldn't that be cool
[rgg4] then i could pester you all the time
[grossman] but you wouldn't be able to log on the Pantheon :)
[rgg4] i'd channel myself
[rgg4] and make somebody log on as me

[rgg4] maybe that's why i'm sick
[grossman] yeah, what you need is an exorcist
[grossman] I think they have one of those at DUH
[rgg4] i can't make my head spin 360 degrees though

"You'd be surprised how easy it is to start a conversation with somebody when they hear you say the phrase, 'It was mildly pornographic'."-- Rebecca

"Biggs sucked. He was too busy worrying about the towers, when he should have been worrying about those fighters." -- Sean

"... activates the release of the homing torpedo which then reacts in its normal way to the approach of the target." -- Jane's Underwater Warfare Systems

"Spending hours in or on the water on special operations can mean considerable discomfort, but the right protective clothing can provide the key to personnel's efficiency and well-being." -- ibid.

"But who's going to Quebec anyways? They're all a bunch of dweebs." -- Me

[hanif] Did you see Fallen?
[grossman] No ... why?
[hanif] It STARS Azazel
[grossman] indeed :)
[grossman] I hear he's got a contract for an album
[hanif] Azazel?
[grossman] like Will Smith
[grossman] except Azazel has a bigger chip on his shoulder than Will Smith
[hanif] Comes from being woody
[grossman] :)

Me: "So a whole bunch of people in the office had fun watching the 40 foot flames shooting out of the truck, but of course, nobody told me about it."
Paul: "Programmers ... always the last to know."

"This is a big keyboard. My fingers are tiny." -- Shana

"So the Japanese Prime Minister, Hashimoto, resigned today amid the country's elections and economic problems. You know what he said? You never hear politicians say this in this country. He said, 'It was my fault.' Have you ever heard a politician say that? No. Here when a politician leaves office in disgrace, he writes a book, becomes a member of a corporation -- they become millionaires. In Japan they commit suicide. ... We could LEARN from them!" -- Jay Leno, 7/13/98

"Since it's not your fault, I guess that I'll forgive you." -- Rebecca

[hanif] indeed.itdoesn'texplainwhymyspacekeyisineffectivethough
[grossman] yeah ... what the hell is that about?
[hanif] idon'tknowperhapsithassomethingtodowiththefactthatispilledflouronit
[grossman] ha ha ha
[grossman] yeah ... that could be it
[hanif] therewasanofficetoyonmydeskthatexploded,anditwasfullofwholewheat.
[grossman] what? an office toy full of wheat?
[hanif] yup
[grossman] what the heck kind of toy has wheat in it?
[hanif] itwasoneofthosestressrelieverballoontoys
[hanif] needlesstosay,nostresswasrelieved

[grossman] have you tried cleaning up the mess?
[hanif] yesbutthewheatisunderthekeysandcloggingthecontactsmethinks
[grossman] quite ... have you lifted the keys?
[hanif] yes,buttogetbeneaththeBUTTONSyouhavetounscrewtheplateandIcan'tdothatwhileintheoffice.
[grossman] why?
[hanif] becauseIdon'thaveascrewdriver
[grossman] ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
[grossman] talk about irony!!!!!!
[hanif] shutup
[grossman] that's like 40 million screws
[grossman] and even more screwful because of the word screw
[grossman] and the fact that you could fix the problem if you had a Phillips head screwdriver!
[hanif] thankyou.mypantslooklikeijustboffedthepillsburydoughboy

[hanif] soithoughtaboutwritingslashestoseperatewordslike/this/but/then/irealizedthati'dratherwritelikejamesjoyce.seeya

"I'm mostly naked again. I have this problem in my apartment." -- anonymous Yale female

"Yeah, it's all fun and games until someone gets RSI." -- Sean

"All these choices are explained in depth in my new books, 'So You've Decided You're Too Wild To Be Wild Type', and, 'Frame-Shift Mutations for Dummies'." -- excerpted from a quote on ~vladi/.plan

"It was, admittedly, a large closet, but nothing to write home about." -- Me

"On a bet from my father, I [tap-danced] across Tienanmen Square. The guards didn't seem to mind, but on the other hand they also disregarded the kid next to me, who was pissing on the Square." -- Brian Seibert

[grossman] I'm not quite sure what you mean, but I'm sure I agree with it
[ssmeland] Oh, yeah! Blank check, baby!

[grossman] I'm cooler than all the awesomest telepaths in the world
[ssmeland] Umm...in which world?
[grossman] Any given one with telepaths as a subset of the living beings
[ssmeland] As opposed to the world in which you and I live.