April - May 1998 Oldproj

"You could fill the hole. Oh, wait, that's what Christians are for." -- Me

Shana Katz: "I saw her in the dining hall actually mashing a piece of bread to make a bacon and egg sandwich in her attempt to keep kosher for Passover."
Jeff R.: "That's ... really retarded."

Ophir Agassi (to Clara Sturges): "Eat the pickle; it builds character."
Me: "And chest hair."
Ophir: "And chest hair. If you're going to marry a Sephardi ..."

"Jews are used to collective eulogies, but Israel will not die so that the world will speak well of it." -- Golda Meir

Me: "Dude, you're blaspheming!"
Sean: "Yes, but I'm allowed to."
Me: "Well then I'll inflict a Jihad on you!"
Sean: "You can't do that."
Me: "Yes I can. Look. I declare a Jihad against you."
Sean: "Dude, the Muslims declared a Jihad against the Christians, not against their god!"
Me: "But you're not God!"
Sean: "To some!"

"Members of Clinton's Cabinet were president."
"Attorney General Janet Reno read to youngsters from one of her favorites: 'Queen Janet from the Bunny Planet'."

Me: "What's that?"
Andy K.: "It's my 'Ode to Recursion'."

"Then what we're going to have to do is massage the tree ..." -- Professor Stanley Eisenstat

"Fight your way up to your level of confidence. Can you beat your parent? Yes. Can you beat your parent? Yes. ... Can you beat your parent? No, because you don't have a parent." -- ibid., explaining binary max heaps

"It's about time you learned complex numbers. That's my point of view." -- Professor Ronnie Lee

"Set b equal to one. [writes '2' on the board] No ... set b equal to ONE. [erases and writes '1']" -- ibid.

"The point is ... what's the point in here?" -- ibid.

"If it's obvious that you're doing this kind of thing, we'll probably beat on you." -- Professor James Aspnes

"You don't have a whole bunch of computers getting up on their little wheels and all going over to one side of the room to beat the bejeezus out of the evil computer or something." -- ibid.

"It's this chimera that was invented by the Antichrist or someone to confuse computer scientists." -- ibid.

"This is the same argument that says we can't increase the birth rate by assigning nine women to work on each pregnancy." -- ibid.

"... a fixed number of processors. Somewhere between one and infinity." -- ibid.

"But I guess they figured that no funding agency would give them money for a project called 'SCANDAL'." -- ibid.

"Due to a power switchover, there will be a probable loss of power and/or power surge between 8 and 9 am tomorrow (Wednesday) morning." -- Master Harvey Goldblatt, in an email mailed Wednesday at 10:14 AM

Me: "I think it tastes like Death Incarnate. Like if you walked up to Death and shot him in the back of the head and then ate his arm --"
Elizabeth Saunders: "-- I don't think that would taste like coffee yogurt."

Matt, as I put away the notebook in which I just wrote down the previous quote: "Are you on Hillel ExComm?"
Me, halting in my motion: "What?!?!"
Matt: "Are you on Hillel ExComm?"
Me: [uncontrollable laughter, as I reopen the notebook]

Elana and Me: [sing first two stanzas of 'Silhouettes on the Shade']
Matt: "So the narrator of this song is a stalker?"
Me: "No, listen to the rest of the song!"
Elana and Me: [sing the rest of the song]
Matt: "So, he's a very bad stalker."

"Oh, Dan, I'm supposed to yell at you -- Look! Did you see that turkey!" -- Mrs. Smeland

"My grandmother could not have done better, even if she kept kosher." -- Sarah Beck

Sean: "Do you want anything?"
Elizabeth: "No."
Me: "Yeah, now you're just gonna mooch."
Elizabeth: "I won't mooch much."

"This book has a message. The message is, 'The Messiah is coming. You just have to wait a long time.'" -- Prof. Lee, on our DiffEq's text

"Ohhhh ... I switched my inequalities. Sorry about this panic. The book is correct. Don't write to the publisher yet." -- ibid.

"If you look carefully, you will see that you are trying to copy one folder into another which ALREADY resides in the original folder. This is too confusing." -- Peter's Macintosh

Reena Barnett: "Did I hear you say you're done?"
Netanya Sandler: "No, you probably heard me say something like, 'I'm drunk'."

"... which looks like a very bad idea, so there must be more associated with that sentence." -- Prof. Eisenstat

"... or our notorious 30 lb. barbell with the signature of Genghis Khan on the side of it." -- Prof. Aspnes

"... make this c over 2 to the k, where 2 is ... well, we know what 2 is." -- ibid.

"It's supposed to be a thumbs-up signal, but it does look as if he's holding a knife." -- ibid.

"Graph paper is what people used before they had computers when they wanted to plot things up." -- ibid.

"... which was discovered in 1979 or thereabouts by any number of Russians." -- ibid.

"Binary search with blobs." -- ibid.

Me: "I can't multiply."
Prof. A: "Oh, I'm sorry."

"I can't really describe what the inverse Ackerman function is, but for all intents and purposes, it's less than 3." -- Prof. Eisenstat

"Pomcari didn't prove it. Bendixson proved it. Because Pomcari didn't prove it, why should we prove it either?" -- Prof. Lee, on the Pomcari-Bendixson Theorem

"Let's erase this theorem. You've all memorized it by now. You've had it tattooed on your forearms." -- ibid.

"I should probably start lecture now, although since you've already turned in the course evaluation forms ..." -- Prof. A

"Fortunately, the Adversary, being omnipotent, has an infinite supply of chalk." -- ibid.

"If you have a bunch of servers sitting out there on a network, any one of them can just drop dead within the next ten minutes, especially if it's running Windows." -- ibid.

"Yes, that's another problem. You can't distinguish between dead people and sleeping people." -- ibid.

"So the Adversary kills the general, and everyone sits around for several days, waiting for him to start to smell." -- ibid.

"Well, let me connect A to C, since that won't have an effect on anything." -- Prof. Eisenstat

"It's Friday. It's the last day of classes. It's the afternoon. You all wish you were outside? Well, let's continue." -- ibid.

Anonymous Yale female: "Did I ever tell you I had a musical orgasm?"
Me: [mouth opens, confused stare]
Anonymous Yale female: "I think."

"BAM! YSEC should hire us." -- Me, emptying our 18 desktop recycling bins simultaneously

"Are there any questions? Aside from the fact that I blew the last part of the lecture?" -- Prof. Eisenstat

Sarah: "Yeah, they want me to eulogize Abe."
Me: "Eulogize?"
Sarah, subtly sarcastically: "Oh. Pardon me. Freudian slip."

Texan dude: "Say, Pardner, that's one crazy get-up you got there. You with the show?"
Austin Powers: "No, actually, I'm English."

"Dude, some time I'm going to have to tell you breast stories." -- Sarah

"Forgetting geometry is like waking up and not knowing what sex you are!"

"Half the western WORLD would score higher on this test than you guys did!"

"My DOG could pass this test!"

Hilary: "Doc, how am I supposed to find the surface area of this toroid?"
Doc, manually affixing Hilary's pencil to her hand: "Well ... you take your pencil, and you put it in your little PAW ..."

"This problem is TRIVIAL! It's BABYCAKES! Don't waste my time!"

Doc's Rule #1: "At no point shall any girl get a higher grade than any boy."

Doc's Rule #2: "If any girl scores higher than any boy, all the boys with a lower score receive the same score as the girl with the highest score."

Doc's Rule #3: "All word problems shall be associated either with automobiles or sporting events."

Sean: "Dan, that was poor."
Me: "What?"
Sean: "You just referenced 'Spenser, For Hire'."
Me: "Dude, 'Spenser, For Hire' rocked!"
Sean: "No, 'Spenser, For Hire' did NOT rock."

Sean: "Are you saying I'm Eli?"
Me: "You say nice things about my ass, I say nice things about your Eli."
Me [after a brief pause]: "-ness."

"... it was kinda pathetic singing a four part arrangement of an e-mail forward." -- David, of Manginah, Brandeis's Jewish a cappella singing group

Me, singing "Eli's Coming": "... everywhere I go-oo-oo."
Sean:
Me: "I don't like this, Sean. You're not appeasing me anymore."

"P.S. If you have any trouble decoding, contact me@my.room.edu" -- Clara

"Dude, you planned me!" -- Clara

Me: "What does the photographer do?"
Anne Meyer: "Takes ... pictures."

Me: "Yeah, I rock."
39-year-old Internet game teammate: "Rock? As in rock n' roll?"
Me: "As in 'Rock on!'"
Teammate: "Gotcha."
Me: "Sorry. Gen gap."

Me: "Ohhhhhhhhh! Dead body! Run away!"
Sean: "Why are you running from a dead body?"
Me: "Because it's blocking my fireballs."
Sean: "Oh, THAT kind of dead body."

"Yeah, it bites my pitooty." -- Me

Elizabeth: "Daa-aan, you were supposed to back me up on this one!"
Me: "No, no ... you were just wrong!"

"Work alone." -- an instruction on the CS365b final exam

Clara: "Are you in some CS classes?"
Michael Buckstein: "No. I'm not in CS. I fear it."

"The people in my class ranged from hysterical to competent." -- Clara

Me, in the common room, where the CD player is: "Sean, I liked that song. Can we hear it again?"
Sean, in his bedroom, where the CD player is not: "Sure, I'll play it again for you, right about ... now."
Elizabeth, in the common room, amazed upon hearing the song start again: "What do you guys have hooked up?"
Me: "What?"
Elizabeth: "What do you guys have hooked up? Does he have a remote in there or something?"
Me: [dies of silent, mirthful laughter]
Sean, emerging from his room: "Elizabeth, when are you going to realize that I don't actually have to go, 'Do-doo doo doot-del-oo-doo'? It's got nothing to do with the soundtrack!"
Elizabeth: "Huh?"
Me: "Dude, he used the Force!"
Elizabeth: [laughs and stammers something unintelligible]
Me, feeling pity for her: "Elizabeth, it's on repeat."
Sean: "That's why Prometheus gave us CD players."

Brian (one of my housemates, NOT a Babylon 5 fan), listening to the stereo: "Is this the Babylon 5 soundtrack?"
Me: "How did you know?! Did you look at the CD case?"
Brian: "No, I just guessed."

Elana: "I don't think they'll care about that. I mean, if I were in charge of admissions, I'd take you."
Me: "This is why you're not in charge of admissions."

"If we compare learning C++ to walking up a mountain trail, this book seeks to guide you up the most gradual path. Between Comment Canyon and Polymorphism Point, however, are many beautiful side trails with labels like Operator-Overloading Overlook and Friend-Function Forest. These trails are not for the beginner." -- from "C++: The Core Language"

Word of the Day: Instantiate = to create an instance of

Chris: "If Delaware didn't have those wide shoulders on the edges of their roads, we would have been in big trouble."
Me: "Yeah, Illinois has those too. Unfortunately, we call them 'lanes'."

"This is where most texts point out that C++ is the language that allows your friends to access your private parts. We refrain from making such observations." -- footnote in "C++: The Core Language"

"A discussion of whether 'friend' is a good word to describe a relationship that is not symmetric will be deferred until our next book, a penetrating study, 'This Friend Has Class: A Psychological Profile of C++ Programmers Based on Their Code.'" -- from "C++: The Core Language"

"Even though IterFriend is a friend of IntStackIter which is a friend of IntStack, IterFriend is NOT a friend of IntStack. This is usually stated, 'my friend's friend is not automatically my friend' or, more formally, 'friendship is not transitive.'" -- ibid.

"Explicit invocation of a constructor is illegal, and explicit invocation of a destructor is an advanced topic." -- ibid.

Maggie: "That must have made Lassie very sad."
Sam: "Yes, she trotted away ... very sadly. But you know what? ... She came home." [Sam tries to kiss Maggie, but she moves away.]
Maggie (smirking): "And did the little boy make it with Lassie?"
Sam (smirking back): "Yes. Yes, he did." [They kiss.]
-- from the ending of "Addicted to Love"

Kevin Canalichio: "I'm going to have to order custom blinds."
Me: "At least you don't have to burn your father on a funeral pyre."
Brian: "Yeah, I hate it when that happens."

Quote of the Night (spelled correctly)
Me: "I'm more scared of other things."
Rebecca Goodman: "Like the atomic bomb? Or my fists of furry?"

"Crap! I think my pipe just broke." -- Sean

[grossman] And then there was that goal by the Sabres where the guy was SOOOOO in the crease.
[ssmeland] He wasn't SOOO in the crease. He was BARELY in the crease.
[grossman] Yes, but barely is the same as SOOOOO.
[ssmeland] Oh, not WAYYYY, but SOOOO. Ok.

[ssmeland] Right ... but what is significant about Hastings?
[grossman] Hastings? ... 1066?
[ssmeland] What happened in 1066 in Hastings?
[grossman] Ummm ... how about, say, "The Battle of Hastings"?

Over 70% of the earth's surface is covered by water. And, whether we live near a coast, at the top of a mountain, or in a searing desert, all of us live within the ocean's influence. Today, as never before, our commerce, health, and security is directly related to the oceans around us. To recognize and celebrate the importance of the world's oceans, the United Nations has proclaimed 1998 as "The International Year of the Ocean." -- US Office of Naval Research (www.onr.navy.mil)

[ssmeland] That was very poor writing on my part.
[grossman] Oh ... yeah, you bit right there.

"So power up your PC, start Windows, load the mighty Visual C+ and we can begin our journey." -- "Beginning Visual C++ 5", Chapter One

[grossman] And what in GOD'S name is a period?!?!?!!?!?!!!
[ssmeland] "."

Captain Montoya: "Well, officially it's White Star 27. But in my mind, it's the 'Maria', named after my sister."
Lennier: "Oh. And where is she?"
Montoya: "... with God."

Seen on a bumper sticker: "Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"

"If you stacked, end-to-end, all the cigarettes the average smoker consumes during their life -- you'd really waste a lot of time." -- the loving people at www.quitsmoking.com

Me: "Hmm, I have no idea to what I was referring."
Sean: "Well, you're not alone there, and there's strength in numbers, so I suppose we're both better for it."

"Gotta love non-sexual, hockey-related French double entendres, especially since double entendres are inherently French!" -- Sean

Planet Found Outside Solar System    WASHINGTON (AP) -- Astronomers using the Hubble Space Telescope say they have, for the first time, directly seen and photographed a planet outside our solar system, a discovery one scientist called "unbelievably exciting." The object, found within a star-forming region in the constellation Taurus, is about 450 light-years away from Earth. A light-year is about 6 trillion miles. Scientists at NASA said the sighting challenges conventional theories about the birth and evolution of planets.

"Please note that the scope of our services does not include: 1) compilation of bibliographies; 2) response to requests for information connected with school assignments, debates, and contests; and 3) research in heraldry or family history." -- Library of Congress

"I'm refusing to change my plan as a form of protest of my pitiful life." -- Hanif Peters-Davis

"In the time period before Desert Storm, U.S. mine warfare forces -- while competent -- were faced with problems ranging from dated equipment, poor command, control, communications, computers and intelligence (what we now call C4I), poor knowledge of the composition, form and clutter-levels of the ocean floor, and, most importantly, a mind-set throughout the Navy that mines were 'somebody else's problem'. This has been characterized as a 'Call 911' viewpoint." -- "The Future of Mine Countermeasures"

"Better late than even later." -- Sean