January - February 1998 Oldproj

Me: "Wouldn't it be cool if we could, like, download all the UNIX commands into our brain so that we'd know them all?"
Clara Sturges: "Yes, that's why computers are cooler than you."

"The commandments given here precede all earlier commandments." -- Chemistry 223Lb lab manual

Me: "Wait, isn't 'hymen' another word for a female?"
Sean Smeland: "Dan, you obviously have a lot to learn about the opposite sex."

"'Injuries'! Not 'sex with', not 'death of', but 'injuries to'!" -- Sean

"Don't be so proud of this technological game you've found yourself so good at, Commander. The ability to form random witty acronyms in under 60 seconds is insignificant next to the power of the Force." -- Me

"But nerds with ego problems? I have issues with that." -- Clara

"You can post anything you like to the newsgroup, but I'm not interested in announcements that ... well, you can guess what kind of announcements I'm not interested in." -- Professor Stanley Eisenstat

CS223 student: "Should we think of your solution as being God?"
Prof. Eisenstat: "Of course not ... my solution is a program."

"Why is she always up this late composing shit?" -- Me

"For those of you who are old enough to remember what a kilobyte is." -- Professor James Aspnes

"In this case I don't know what you do with those terms you subtract off at the beginning ... actually, I do know what you do with them; you subtract them off at the beginning." -- Prof. Aspnes

"I mean 'sloppy' in sort of a good, rigorous way here." -- ibid.

"And the answer to this objection is: 'Well, we'll worry about that later.'" -- ibid.

"Changing your constants retroactively hides a multitude of sins." -- ibid.

"I'm always wearing green. People know that by now. I'm the guy in green who's always offsides." -- Me

"That was the most straight-faced piece of crap I've ever seen." -- Me

"She loses sandwiches in the folds of her flesh." -- Sarah Beck

Clara: "Do I have like green stuff all over my face or something?"
Elizabeth Saunders and I, simultaneously: "No, you have green stuff all over your body!"

"Don't drop it into your folds of flesh." -- Me

Clara: "I didn't realize it was plannable until you planned it."
Me: "Everything is plannable."

G'Kar (as master of ceremonies at Sheridan's Presidential inauguration on Babylon 5, immediately following the second of two failed assassination attempts): "Do you want to be President?"
Sheridan: "Sure."
G'Kar: "Then put your hand on the book and say, 'I do.'"
Sheridan (placing his hand on the book): "I do."
G'Kar: "Good. Let's eat."

"... a grievous faux pas ..." -- Me

"All right! Now come the rabbits ..." -- Prof. Eisenstat

Clara: "The Vorlons are gone."
Me: "Yes, but one stuck around just to kill alligators."

"I am just ... I'm just goofy, that's all." -- Professor Ronnie Lee

"I give a buck for anyone who knows the answer." -- ibid.

"And ... you know ... 2 is not a very big number." -- Professor Aspnes

"So, Stalin went back to ... well, wherever you go when you die if you're a Communist." -- ibid.

"Maybe after a while we get bored with deposing emperors and we set up a republic or something." -- ibid.

"How do we build a balanced heap? Well ... let me rotate my Coke here so it actually functions ..." -- ibid.

"We've abolished zero! We don't believe in zero! It was just some horrible mistake the Arabs imposed on us back in the 13th century." -- ibid.

"Again ... no rabbits ... just straightforward simple arithmetic." -- Prof. Eisenstat

"You're CRUDE!" -- Sherry Farzan-Kashani

"Awwwwww ... rites of passage ... " -- Sherry

"Yes, modulo the above remark." -- Prof. Eisenstat

"One man was killed and three children wounded today in a shooting during a parade in Baton Rouge, La., honoring the late Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. Authorities say the shooting occurred when participants in the march had an argument.... Police say they've ruled out any racial motivations in the incident because both shooter and victims were black." -- Reuters, 1/19/98

"White House spokesman Mike McCurry said Clinton wanted to provide answers 'sooner rather than later' but that it was taking time to assemble all the facts." -- Reuters, 1/23/98

"Please don't go ... you're the only Asian I know?" -- Sean

"I hope your mom isn't fat." -- Me

"You should not assume that computers are deterministic!" -- Prof. Eisenstat

Me: "... Who were you doing this WITH?"
Elana: "And what are you talking ABOUT?"

Anne Remsen: "Nihongo do-o desuka?" ("How's Japanese?")
Me: "It's okay."
Sean: "Zack???"

Clara: "Dude, don't wax nostalgic about variable names."
Me: "Yeah, there's some major waxing going on here."

"http://www.torah.org" -- a citation on a friend's .signature

"Suave? Chic? You look more like a chemo patient." -- Netanya Sandler

"Let me take the remaining time to explain Existence and Uniqueness. What does it all mean? What are its social ramifications? How will it help my thesis?" -- Prof. Lee

"In green letters!" -- ibid.

"Depending on how polite people are about this, it could get very exciting." -- Prof. Aspnes

"Any other questions that I can shove under the carpet and not worry about?" -- ibid.

"It's perverse, isn't it." -- ibid.

"Did that make any sense whatsoever? I hope not ..." -- ibid.

"Uhhh ... I sense pain." -- ibid.

"You know, I could swear that when I started this explanation it was five minutes later than it is now. Which could be proof that doing a lot of integrating allows you to travel backwards through time." -- ibid.

"I'll make your rumba not cheesy, I proooomise." -- Clara, volunteering her ballroom dance skills

"What makes you think I want to make life easy for you?" -- Clara

Me: "Dude, you can't just throw chins at me. They have to have form, substance."
Sean: "Mine are detachable!"

"And besides, we must make allowances for freak carriage returns." -- Sean

"Except that now your chins look like a bunch of Pringles." -- Me

"To live is to say 'no' in Japanese." -- Sean, referencing Metallica out of copyright AND mispronouncing Japanese in his head in the same sentence

"P.S. Clinton came here to speak today ... unfortunately, he had trouble leaving. Air Force One got stuck in the mud at the local airport! Gore's plane had to come back and pick him up." -- Paul Kawka, at U of I

Chao Sensei: "Perkins-san, nihon-no zashi-ga arimasuka?" ("Mr. Perkins, do you have a Japanese magazine?")
Perkins-san (misunderstanding 'zashi' as 'textbook'): "E, nihon-no zashi-ga arimasu." ("Yes, I have a Japanese magazine.")
Chao Sensei (in mock amazement): "Ah! So-o desuka! Misete kudasai!" ("Ah! Indeed! Please show it to me!")

"Yo momma's so fat, I rolled over and I was still on top." -- Clara

"... Iraqis would fight with 'all their capabilities' if the United States were to launch military strikes against Baghdad ... " -- Reuters quotation of Saddam Hussein, who is apparently still unclear on the concept of Tomahawk cruise missiles

Sean (looking into my mouth, while speaking in a deep, ominous voice): "The Rebels are there, and I am certain that Skywalker is with them."
Me (in a poor British accent): "But Sir ... there are so many uncharted regions of Dan's mouth ... "

"And as everyone knows, one more than nine is ten." -- Prof. Eisenstat

"And then the Lord got an 'NFS write error'." -- Me, having Unix troubles

"If some part of your brain damaged -- like me -- if some part is missing ... that's okay, you just integrate and recover the lost information." -- Prof. Lee

"If this sign bothers you, just pretend you know what you're talking about." -- ibid.

"I just want to make sure I get the right thing ... not that it matters ... it's just good to agree with the book." -- ibid.

"We still have some time! There is really nothing on your lunch table! Nothing! They use that stuff to feed dogs!" -- Prof. Lee, 13 minutes before the end of class

"So it's more like going to purgatory than it is like going ... anywhere else." -- Professor Aspnes

Me: "You can't be tired! I'M tired! You had a Snickers! Packed with peanuts, Snickers really satisfies."
Clara: "I'm satisfied AND I'm tired."

"The compiler will print out some obscure error message that says something you can't understand. It knows what you did wrong; it just doesn't want to tell you." -- Prof. Eisenstat

Prof. Eisenstat: "... a raft of errors."
Me: "A RAFT? What's a raft?"
Clara: "You know, like a gaggle of geese ... a raft of errors."

"For example, Hillel programs should come first. Then Hillel committees, etc. The CAFTPOLEAY (Christian Association for the Promotion of Lizard Eating at Yale) should probably not have priority even if they sign up 18 months in advance." -- Dan Price, regarding the precedence of sign-ups for the Kosher Kitchen seminar rooms

"What makes you think that my version will always generate the correct answer?" -- Prof. Eisenstat, regarding the model program solutions he distributes

"Does everybody have wine or something before they come to class?" -- Chao Sensei

"Is everybody still with me? ... You can say, 'No.'" -- Prof. Eisenstat

"Charles Emile Picard (1856-1941), not to be confused with Jean-Luc Picard, was an eminent French mathematician ..." -- my Differential Equations textbook, in a footnote

"... are visual clues that THE SOLUTION CURVE IS ABOUT TO DIE." -- ibid., reminding me of that voice in the video game "Gauntlet" that was always saying, "Valkyrie is about to die" in that pleasant, lyrical, not-at-all threatening or ominous voice, which consequently never resulted in any attempted life-saving actions on my part, but this was a good thing, since I really sucked at that game, and so I played almost all of my games below the "healthy" limit, and if I had spent all of my time trying to recover from my wounds I would never have finished any of the levels

Sean: "You missed it."
Me, unrelatedly: "Shit."

[... alternatively]

Neil Diamond: "Love [you] so much, can't count all the ways I'd die for you girl, but all they can say is--"
Me: "Shit."

"It's a wonderful program! See all these dots? All these plots? Wonderful! Very confusing!" -- Prof. Lee

"I hope my picture is indicating something to you." -- ibid.

"Salvation is near! You either go to heaven or you go to hell. You better watch out!" -- ibid., upon demonstrating the less-than-sacred point of saddle node bifurcations

"First of all, rats are not insects." -- Elizabeth

"I'm not very good at drawing things on horseback. Maybe if I put a head on it it would help." -- Prof. Aspnes

"But you know, he's demonic ... so you can't expect him to look like a normal human being." -- ibid.

"So does the Adversary Approach make sense to you? Is this something you feel you could go off and do to small children when you're feeling cruel?" -- ibid.

"Hi Sean, it's Dani, and I met a BOY!" -- Dani Snyder, long distance, on our answering machine

"I have a habit of exiting Windows." -- Ophir Agassi

"Ophir, I went out a lot of windows in my day, too." -- Dennis

"Of course, 'in the limit' we will all be dead." -- Prof. Eisenstat

Clara: "I'm going to beat with you something."
Me, handing her my fluffy, gray hat: "Here."

Clara, pointing at one of my doodles: "What the fuck is that?"
Me: "It's supposed to be an Earth Destroyer, but it doesn't really look like one."
Clara: "It looks like a dog stuck through an empty roll of toilet paper!"

[ Note for all you loyal followers of my plan: Most of the Clara/Me interchanges actually take place in whispers during CS223, with the occasional audible snicker on Clara's part, to the great annoyance of the more studious members of the class around us. ]

"The best thing about Christmas M&M's is that half of them are green." -- Sean

Sean: "Do you want a green one?"
Me: "Mmmh hmmm hmmm, mm mmmhmmm mmh mm mmmhmmmh."
Translator: "Not right now, I'm chewing on my glasses."

"I don't like the fact that I'm now schizophrenic on your plan. It's bad enough that I'm already the son of God ..." -- Sean

"Oh, Jesus." -- Sean, as I begin to type the above quote into the plan

"Oh, crap." -- Sean, unrelatedly, upon dropping a green M&M, as I type the last quote into the plan

Me: "Was it a green one?"
Sean: "Of course it was a green one."

Me: "How do you spell 'yours'?"
Sean: "Just like that."

Sean, swinging a bottle of milk about his head and shoulders: "Okay, who am I?"
Me: "Any random hammer thrower?"
Sean: "Here ... picture James Earl Jones's head."
Me, understanding the reference: "Oh ... it was hard for me to do that with your can of milk."
Sean, staring inquisitively at his plastic milk container: "CAN of milk?"
Me, walking off to load up Telnet: *snicker, snicker*

Random Babylon 5 fan, during the very meta, "stairway to heaven imbedded in the wall" death scene: "I want to see him do that jumpgate thing and fade off into the distance."
Another B5 fan: "Yeah, I want him to go 'szhwhoop' and disappear."
Third B5 fan: "I want to see him walk into the wall."

Alan Lee: "If you die in New Haven, you get towed."
Me: "No, if you die in New Haven, you get keyed."

"I don't know which would be better, keying a dead body or watching someone key a dead body." -- Me

"Smart idea ... no doubt this smart idea came from China ..." -- Professor Ronnie Lee

"I hate complicated things." -- ibid., (our Differential Equations prof.)

"Let's try just one problem ... see if we can guess the right answer." -- ibid.

"Awake! Incredible! At this hour! Congratulations! I should give you a dollar." -- ibid., upon my correction of his solution two minutes before the end of class

"So he's still got these big arms and hands left, but you've taken off a piece of him. Yeah, this is kind of a Mike Tyson approach to solving problems." -- Prof. Aspnes

"The easy case is when the node has no children. Then we don't have to worry about leaving any orphans behind, and we can just pull out our machine gun and start mowing them down." -- ibid.

"Then we know they only have one kid, which means we can kill them with impunity." -- ibid.

"Well, let's try to do this in a principled manner as opposed to just blurting out an answer." -- Prof. Eisenstat

"I'd have them due at 3:20, but I sort of like you to come to class." -- ibid., in response to the mad rush of people who poured into the lecture hall in the MIDDLE of class to turn in their problem sets, which were due at 3:00

"C only has one-dimensional arrays. If you think it has two-dimensional and three-dimensional arrays, you are actually wrong." -- ibid.

Hanif Peters-Davis: "Dan, you're a freak."
Me: "No, it's irony."
Hanif: "No, it's freakishness."

"It's just such a fun switch to play with!" -- Sean, referring to the mute switch on his 250-watt stereo system, which when switched off with the volume anywhere above 3, makes Chernobyl look like a weenie roast

"Colgate's goalie is a SIEVE! ... No! He's not a sieve; he's a FUNNEL! ... No! He's not a funnel; he's a VACUUM! ... No! He's not a vacuum; he's a BLACK HOLE! ... No! He's not a black hole; he just SUCKS!" -- Captain Freedom and the Yale hockey fans (Go Yale!)

"Colgate, even your FANS suck!" -- Me, at the hockey game

"Colgate! Your momma so fat, I saw her hauling ass; she took two trips!" -- Me, still at the hockey game

"Hey! Old guy over there wearing a Colgate shirt! Yeah, you! You SUCK!" -- Me, really enjoying the hockey game

"Let's go, 'Gate!" -- Colgate hockey fans, wishing their school had only one syllable in its name

"I'm not having heinous amounts of fun or anything." -- Sarah

"It's HUGE, and I'm not even flexed." -- Me

Sean: "Ppppfffffff!"
Me: "What?!"
Sean: "You just threw your underwear under your pillow!"
Me: "Yeah ... What do you do with it?"
Sean: "I usually put it in my drawer or my hamper, depending on whether it's clean or dirty."
Me: "... Well ... it's clean!"
Sean: "So you put it under your pillow?!"
Me: "Those are the ones I'm wearing this week!"

[ Quick note to y'all. I've been catching some flak for the underwear quotation, so I thought I'd point out to you loyal plan followers that that quote, like most of the others on this plan, was inherently a misunderstanding. I hereby state for the record that I do not wear only one pair of underwear per week, and that I don't keep underwear under my pillow. Thank you for your attention. ]

[ I would just like to let the loyal followers of my world-renowned plan know that tonight Sean and I crucified a brownie (a kosher one at that) to our wall. We tried calling some of you to come see it before it wasted away (or was 'taken down before the even', as the Torah requires), but none of you were home. You make us sad. Come, Patsy ... ]

"Why don't you start at the top of the page, like most normal human beings?" -- Me, to Elana, as she begins writing a long list of names in the MIDDLE of a piece of notebook paper

"Yuck. If I were going to hook up with a girl, it would SO not be her." -- Rebecca Goodman

Me: "So, why do you want to be a Supreme Court Justice?"
Rebecca: "Well, I enjoy reading Supreme Court decisions, so I think I'd enjoy writing them."

"... and these 4 kids get on ... no, wait, it was 3 kids and their father." -- Argo

Me: "Pascal was so much nicer than C."
Clara: "EVERYTHING'S nicer than C."

"What malloc() allows us to do is to shoot ourselves in the foot with a LARGE shotgun." -- Prof. Eisenstat

"Dan, help me out! I need digits of pi. Send me an email!!!" -- Farkas

"Dream on. Dream on. Dream on. Dream until your dreams come true." -- Steven "At the time of this song, I hadn't yet completely destroyed my vocal cords through heroin abuse" Tyler

"I have been neglectful. Sorry. No matter what method you use to go down on me, it should now be faster, and get you to the good stuff sooner." -- vladi's plan (finger him regularly: "finger vladi | more")

Elizabeth, upon seeing the crucified brownie: "Ohhhh! It's got a *nail* in it!"
Sean: "How *else* would you crucify something?"
Elizabeth: "I don't know!"
Sean: "A thumbtack??? ... QwikTak???"

Elizabeth: "What's a 'progenitor' mean?"
Deepa Prasad: "Yo momma!"
Elizabeth: [laughs]
Sean: "No, she's being serious."

"Do you believe this?" -- Prof. Lee, standing back from the chalkboard and looking at our perplexed expressions, after having spent five minutes muttering something entirely incomprehensible about complex analysis

"I see all of you are bored stiff. This [material] is terrible -- worse than your lunch. So get your lunch ..." -- ibid., at 12:44

Sarah, pointing to my unidentifiable mixture of Coke and Sprite: "Is that apple juice?"
[I look inquisitively at my drink.]
Sarah: "Yes, that's apple juice!"
Me: "No, it isn't."
Sarah: "Then it's either beer or pee."
Me, oozing sarcasm: "It's a little dark for urine."
Shana, having watched this conversation in silent mirth: "Yeah, I would see a doctor about that."

Sarah: "I'm getting too old for this shit."
Me: "Who are you, Obi-Wan Kenobi?"

"We know that grandma's actually an FBI agent." -- Prof. Aspnes

"Well ... that wasn't the shining example I'd hoped it would be." -- ibid.

"The big problem with dynamic arrays in C is that C doesn't support them." -- Prof. Eisenstat

"You can assume it will be faster. It may or may not be true, but you can assume it." -- ibid.

"That's a really cool drawing. It doesn't look ANYTHING like a dog OR a roll of toilet paper." -- Clara

Me: "I'm so gonna fall asleep."
Clara: "Why? Want a Cadbury Egg?"

"I have an intuition about these things. Trust me ... it will work out all right!" -- Prof. Lee (we still don't know if his answer was right)

"I'm running out of hotel jokes. I should try to get through this quickly." -- Prof. Aspnes

Prof. Aspnes, drawing a REALLY FAT cartoon dude next to the hash table: "So Boss Tweed comes along and wants a room and he happens to be put into the same room as the Adversary. But obviously the two of them can't fit in there ... so the Adversary gets bumped up to the next room ..."
Me, as Prof. A draws his example: "There's STILL no room for him."
[Class and Prof. A laugh.]
Prof. A, drawing this as well: "Well, then we send in our friend with the axe from two lectures ago ... gives a whole new meaning to the word 'hash'."

"I'm being careful since I've determined that I no longer have a functioning cerebrum." -- Prof. Aspnes, engaged in that really tough math concept, "subtracting from both sides"

"And there's Toto, the extremely violent and poorly-drawn dog." -- ibid.

"That doesn't really look like Sherlock Holmes. Actually kind of looks like the Wicked Witch of the West." -- ibid., drawing something that, whatever it was, was *definitely* wearing a gown (he eventually decided it was Napoleon)