Fall 1997 Oldproj

"It doesn't come with a hairnet." -- Hanif

"Rubber gloves rock my world." -- Sean

"What is it about the Orthodox community that makes us gossip?" -- Me

"I never thought that I'd be struck in the face by that part of a woman's body." -- Sean

Sean: "We need to get some Wonder Bread." [Drops the Jif.]
Me: "Not anymore."

"We're always laughing because he's an extreme lover of fried chicken." -- Hanif

"Why? What do they do? Do they die?" -- Me

"I just wanna know. Not that I wanna know." -- Hanif

Hanif: "Who's this Adina B. Kaplan?"
Me: "You don't wanna know."

Sean: "It's juice about Gary."
Hanif: "I DEFINITELY don't wanna know."

Me: "I'm suffering Lauren withdrawal."
Sean: "I'm sorry. Brita?"

"I love that you can see this woman's underwear, but she's really ugly." -- Sean

"Well, we're all sitting here with these big breasts, and you've just got a little leg." -- Sean

"Pink. Yay!" -- Hanif

"Where does a church end and a cult begin? It's very simple. It ends when they get a compound." -- Hanif

Hanif: "My friend Ellie, who never shaves her legs, says that guys think she just has really soft skin."
Shana Katz: "That's not skin, that's fur. Your friend Ellie has a pelt."

"Shit! I haven't finished with the last quote yet!" -- Me

Sean: "Does anybody want any Brita?"
Hanif: "It's pronounced Brita."
Sean: "No, then it would be spelled B-R-I-T-T-A."
Hanif: "But in the commercial it's pronounced Brita."
Me: "Yes, but in the commercial they also play flutes."

Hanif: "Throw a baby at him."
Sean: "I DID!"

Hanif: "Brain damage, paralysis, et cetera."
Sean: "That's what happened to Jamie."

Sean: "You don't shokel in a mosh pit."
Hanif: "You also don't doven in a mosh pit."

"You know she hasn't, because otherwise she'd be saying 'hoser' every five minutes." -- Hanif

Me: "What's your name again?"
Shayna Strom: "Shayna."
Me: "Okay, cuz I have to write down your name in case you say anything funny.... Shit! That was funny!"

"Can I drill a hole in the back of your head?" -- Christian Williams, to a metaphysical girlfriend

"Someone's in the shower ... it sounds like a girl." -- Dan Farkas

"You have to pick ... and I have to pee." -- Elana

"I would hug you, but I'd have to touch your arms." -- Shana

"I've never been a man smoking a cigarette, so I wouldn't know." -- Lindsey Ricker

"Shit, Lindsey, we're guys." -- Shana

Lindsey: "Is my chest hair showing?"
Shana: "Damnit! I shaved this morning!"
Lindsey: "I hate stubble."

"So is Spiro Agnew, like, your dad?" -- Shana, to Sarah Beck

"So, my FAVORITE Richard Nixon dream was that my freshman year floormates were all members of his Cabinet." -- Sarah

Me: "My favorite recurring dream involves a naked dead girl."
Sarah: "Let me just say that Richard Nixon is always fully clothed."

"But that was my most exciting Richard Nixon dream by far." -- Sarah

Me: "Do you dream about any other presidents?"
Sarah: "No, just Nixon."

Shana: "Do you dream about any of Nixon's other vice presidents?"
Sarah: "No, just Spiro."

Shana: "Spiro's always been a hard-ass."
Sarah: "Ick. Spiro."

"What did you do? Get RamHalver?" -- Me

"I don't exactly rise with the chickens. I usually like to rise with the matzah." -- Me

Sean: "Yeah, I'll meet him at your wedding. When you marry my butt ... as per its father's shotgun."
Me: "I am not marrying your butt."
Sean: "Tell that to my butt's father!"

"Dude, you're the one who goes after butts. I like dolphins, remember?" -- Sean

Me: "God damnit!"
Sean: "What the hell are you doing?"
Me: "I'm trying to show you my butt."

Hanif: "So, in my fridge, I've got seven pounds of chicken for $2.49. I can't believe it's thirty five cents a pound."
Naeem (in grave seriousness): "Yo, Nif ... that's not chicken, man."

Hanif: "Elizabeth, you look like a deer in headlights."
Elizabeth Saunders: "Shaaana! He said I was a deer with head lice!"

Patron: "Can I have a ham and cheese sandwich?"
Shana: (looking at ham and cheese in case) "No. You can only have bologna, with nothing on it. Well ... maybe mayo."
Patron: "Can I get it on a hard roll?"
Shana: "Well ... no. Take your bologna and get the hell out of my store."

Hanif: "Have you ever had anything that was 'That bad'?"
Shana: "My grandmother was a nurse when she was fourteen--"
Hanif: "Your segue ability is nil."
Shana: "But this was a soft-boiled egg story!"

Hanif: "Hope Tryon IS a segue."

Hanif: "You really have to learn how to segue."
Shana: "You know what your problem is? Lateral thinking."

Me: "You don't know Orla?"
Anne Meyer: "No. But I've met her on your plan."

Kyle: "Hey Stan, did you see that rainbow this morning?"
Stan: "Yeah, it was huge!"
Cartman: "Hey! I hate those things!"
Kyle: "Nobody hates rainbows!"
Stan: "Yeah, what's there to hate about rainbows?"
Cartman: "Well, you know. You'll just be sitting there, minding your own business, and they'll come marching in, and crawl up your leg, and start biting the inside of your ass, and you'll be all like, 'Hey! Get out of my ass, you stupid rainbows!'"
Stan: "... Cartman! What the HELL are you talking about?!"
Cartman: "I'm talking about rainbows! I HATE those frigging things!"
Kyle: "Rainbows are those little arches of color that show up during a rainstorm!"
Cartman: "... Ohhhhhh. RainBOWS! Oh, yeah, I like those. Those are cool."
Stan: "What were you talking about?"
Cartman: "Huh? Oh, nothing. Forget it."
Kyle: "No. What marches in, crawls up your leg--"
Cartman: "--Nothing!--"
Kyle: "--and bites the inside of your ass?!"
Cartman: "Noooothiiiing!"

Stan: "Officer Barbrady! Mr. Garrison's going to kill Kathie Lee Gifford!"
Barbrady: "Oh my God!" [enters flashback]
    Mr. Garrison (carrying brand-new high-powered rifle with telescopic sight): "Officer Barbrady, where can I go to get a good sho-- view of Kathie Lee?"
    Barbrady: "Why don't you try the Book Depository ... try the Book Depository ... the Book Depository ... Book Depository ... Depository ... Depository ..."
Barbrady [continuing]: "He could be anywhere!"

"I love being a random person who can come anytime." -- Netanya Sandler

Stan: "Sparky will kick his ass."
[Sparky and Sylvester begin fighting. Sparky begins engaging in other activities.]
Cartman: "Well, Sparky's doing SOMETHING to his ass. He's not kicking his ass, but he's definitely doing SOMETHING to his ass."

Hanif (both of us adopting convincing Mexican accents): "I'm going to call you Ernesto from now on."
Me: "Hey! Ernesto! Ven aca!"
Hanif: "Ernesto!"
[Yes, I WILL be responding to Ernesto from now on, in case you want to call me that]

Me: "Do you have Enya?"
Lauren Beslow: "No, but I have her older sister."

Cartman: "Yeah, dude, I think your dog is gay."
Stan: "What do you mean?"
Cartman: "That dog is a gay homosexual."
Stan: " ... He's just confused."
Kyle: "I think the OTHER dog's the one that's confused."

Cartman: "Stan forgot to mention that his dog is a gay homosexual."

Cartman: "So, you see, Simon and Simon were not brothers in real life, only on television."
Mr. Garrison: " ... Thank you for that presentation, Eric, but the assignment was on Asian culture. You get a D minus."
Cartman: "God -- damn it!"
Mr. Garrison: "Who should we call on next, Mr. Hat?"
Mr. Hat: "Well how 'bout Stan, our little South Park quarterback star?"
Mr. Garrison: "Oh, good idea. Okay, Stanley, you're next."
Stan: "Umm, I'm not really prepared either."
Mr. Garrison: "Well just make something up like Eric did."
Stan: "Okay, umm, Asian culture has plagued our fragile Earth for many years. We must end it--"
Mr. Garrison: "--Excellent! A minus."
Cartman: "Hey!"
Stan: "Wow, cool!"
Cartman: "Wait a minute! Why the hell does he get an A minus?"
Mr. Garrison: "Eric, Stanley just might lead our team to victory against the Middle Park Cowboys for the first time in decades, and we treat star athletes better because they're better people."

Stan: "Mr. Garrison, can I ask you a question?"
Mr. Garrison: "Of course, Stanley, what is it?"
Stan: "What's a ... homosexual?"
Mr. Garrison: "Hoah, well, Stanley, I guess you came to the right person. Sit down.... Stanley, gay people ... well, gay people are evil. Evil right down to their cold black hearts, which pump not blood like yours and mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clogs in their pea-sized brains, which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?"
Stan: "I guess."
Mr. Garrison: "Good, I'm glad we could have this little talk, Stanley. Now you go outside and practice football like a good little heterosexual."

Kyle: "You're gonna need to kick more ass than that to beat the Cowboys."
Cartman: "Hey, speaking of pounding ass, here comes Stan's little homo dog."
Stan: "Shut up, dude.... Sparky, where'd you get that pink scarf?"
Cartman: "Man, that is the gayest dog I have ever seen."

"And boom ... I just passed out because I had been running around, and I had no blood." -- Kevin Clark

"Just because you're in the heat of battle doesn't mean we can't go to Wawa." -- Me

"Well, he's shokeling. Now's a good time to cut off his head." -- Me

"Everyone's good on my neck." -- Me

Me: "What are you doing?"
Sean: "Scratching my leg."
Me: "With an umbrella?"

"It's not hot; it's just woody." -- Hanif

Me: "I wonder what he does. He just sits out there all day."
Sean: "He's got no life."
Me: "He's got no leg!!!"

"There's no content in this course. It's all notation." -- Professor Zelmanov, around 9:20

"Notation doesn't matter. Notation can be changed." -- Professor Zelmanov, around 9:55

Me: "Hey, you want to sign up for Pierson Assassins, don't you?"
Rachel Easterly (sitting directly to my right): "What? We?"
Me: "What?!"
Rachel: "Did you just say, 'Hey, we'?"
Me: "Huh??? I said, 'Hey, do you want to sign up for Pierson Assassins!'"
Rachel: "Oh. It sounded like 'Hey, we.'"
Me: "What?!?!?!"
Hanif: "Maybe she just heard the PIE in Pierson."
Me: "But what about the OTHER 15 syllables in that sentence?! Do I have, like, REALLY bad diction?"
Hanif: "Yeah, Dan, that's it. I think you need some work on your enunciation."

"You're about as inconspicuous as a black man walking in the middle of a lesbian pride parade." -- Random Piersonite, commenting on my Super Soaker

Elana: "I'll be in the bottom floor of the BK library."
Lauren: "Should I come find you if you get a call?"
Elana: "Only if it's a good one!"
Me: "Would [name deleted] be a 'good one'?"
Elana: "No."
Me, laughing: "Can I put that on my plan?"
Elana, laughing: "No!"

Sean: "Look at you! You suck!"
Me: "Yeah, well at least I'm not a pedophile."

Me [in a really deep, ominous, suspenseful voice]: "Where he runs smack dab into HANIF-SALIM KHAMISI PETERS-DAVIS--"
Sean: "THE THIRD! ESQUIRE!"

Typical Dan-Sean interchange
Person 1: "Hey, hoser."
Person 2: "You suck."
Person 1: "Indeed."

Elana: "If you were talking about nothing, then you wouldn't have had to say, 'Hot Farkas!'"
Me: "'Hot Farkas' is so much FUN to say."

Elana: "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
Me: "You have earplugs!"
Elana: "They haven't expanded yet!"

"I think that if people keep eating more, that's great ... unless they're really, really obese." -- Zehava Packer

"If you have any more questions, I'll be available after class ... which is just about now." -- Professor Drew McDermott, after spending 30 minutes answering students' inane questions regarding the problem set that was due that day

Student in CS 201, regarding last night's 12-hour long PS: "How much time should we be spending on these problem sets?"
Prof. McDermott: "Well ... for this one ... once you get the basic idea down ... it should only take about half an hour."
Class: [group chuckle with homicidal undertones]

"How mean could God be?" -- Professor Dana Angluin, describing what our thought process should be in solving a certain number theory problem

"God! Send me to hell!!! Oh wait, we don't have a hell.... That's why I wish I were Catholic, then I could go to hell.... Oh shit, but if I were Catholic, then I'd believe in Jesus, and I couldn't go to hell no matter what I did." -- Lauren

Me: "So I had this girl today--"
Rachel: "Oh, really?"

Me: "You tobacco-growing, overall-wearing, sister-fucking--"
Rachel: "No, that's WEST Virginia."

"So, when you say 'crap', do you mean 'barley'?" -- Me

"I'm sick of all this Jif!" -- Sean

Caller to 'Jesus and Pals': "Uh, this is Martin--"
Jesus: "Martin from Aston Park. Yes, I know."
Martin: "How the hell'd ya' know that?"
Jesus: "Well, maybe because I'm the son of God, brainiac."

"Ladies and gentlemen, my name is John Warsod. I've prepared a statement for you on behalf of the network.... [clears his throat twice] Fuck you.... Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. If there are any questions, you may direct them to that brick wall over there." -- President of Cartoon Central

"You can't have PART of a pigeon ... well, actually, you CAN have part of a pigeon, but we're assuming they're whole in this problem." -- Prof. Angluin, explaining the "Pigeonhole Principle"

"Since we're assuming non-fractionated pigeons ..." -- Prof. Angluin, a little bit later

"So now we've applied meaningless constants to everything ..." -- Prof. McDermott, on calculating asymptotic worst-case time complexities

"You shouldn't ever worry about the best case. Why? Well, it's just generally bad to be optimistic; that's a general rule about life." -- Prof. McDermott, justifying his method of calculating time complexities

The most mutually embarassing finale to a Dan-Sean verbal conflict ever
Me [from within my room]: "Hey, go hoser!" (trying to say, "Hey, go home, hoser!")
Sean [from within his closet]: "Exskidney!" (no clue what he was trying to say)

Me: "What the hell were you trying to say?!"
Sean: "I have no idea."

Sean: "... as defined in today's conversation, which of course was entirely irrelevant to anything in life."
Me: "Like all of our conversations."
Sean: "No, some of them are."
Me: "Not this one."
Sean: "Definitely not this one."

"She was the one coming up with all the funny stuff; I was pulling stickers out of the book." -- Me

"Don't you ever lunge at my crotch again!" -- Sean

"Did you say 'launch' or 'lunge'?" -- Me

"Well, ya know I was just trying to continue the theme of foreign sauces (as opposed to the theme of catch phrases which Dan uses to make his friends spew)." -- Anne

"Is this worthy of your plan yet? Maybe I can reword it. Just tell me -- what does it take?? I'll do anything!!" -- Anne

"You know, if I fell out of this window, it would be really cool for about two seconds. Then it would suck." -- Sean

Me: "Smell-age of cigarette smoke."
Sean: "Bad scene-age. Oh, require-age of drink. Hello Gund."
Me: "Dude, you have a short attention span. [I realize that I have just finished checking my email instead of updating my plan, as originally intended.] Oh no, wait, I have a short attention span."
Sean: "Yeah, dude, I multi-task; you have a short attention span."

"I'm definitely in a weird mood tonight. See what happens when you pick up 'Ulysses' for fun?" -- Anne

"Who am I?
I am Susan Ivanova.
Commander.
Daughter of Andrei and Sofie Ivanov.
I am the right hand of Vengeance ... and the boot that's going to kick your sorry ass all the way back to Earth, sweetheart.
I am Death Incarnate ... and the last living thing that you are ever going to see. ... God sent me."

Me: "Wait, what the hell do I have in my pocket?"
Shana: "Orange Life Saver?"

Me: "Man, I'm starting to get hungry."
Shana: "Orange Life Saver?"

Shana: "Would you like an orange Life Saver?"
Sean: [looks up from Genetics textbook] "No, thank you." [Returns to Genetics text.]
Shana: "Oh. Are you sure you don't want an orange Life Saver?"
Sean: [Icy stare.]

Sean: "Dr. Osaka? ... Do you call him that just because he calls you 'doctor'?"
Me: "No, he really is a doctor."

Me: "Wouldn't it suck if the gom jabbar were a FedEx package?"
Sean: "As in, you open up the package, reach in, and the skin starts burning off of your hand?"

Me: "'Wouldn't it suck ...' or 'Wouldn't it be cool ...'? They're the same."
Sean: "They're not the same!"

"I'm withering away without the love of my duck." -- Vanessa Marvin

"Why are you naked on this side of the courtyard?" -- Hanif, regarding the severe lack of clothing on my body while in a room not my own

"You look more wet than me." -- Elizabeth, after just getting out of the shower

Brenda (girl from CS 202, in her normal pretentious, whiny voice): "Can a graph have subgraphs homeomorphic to both K3,3 AND K5?"
Jesse (the TA): "Yes."
Brenda: "Can you draw an example of that?"
Reuben Silverman (sotto voce, mocking Brenda's voice): "Can you draw a fractal? ... Can you draw a dog?"

"He has good eraser technique." -- Me

"Obviously, guardian angels are in short supply in the modern world, so you can't run this algorithm this way." -- Prof. McDermott, explaining why non-deterministic polynomial time complexity problems aren't easily solved

"No new messages! All my friends are Jewish!" -- Me, shortly after the end of a Jewish holiday

Me: "I wouldn't trust her; she's wearing a cross."
Elana: "I bet she didn't even fast."

"Ohhhhh ... I try to forget that Jesse Jackson, Sr., reproduced. It's too bad they don't spay some people at birth." -- Shana

"He has a pumpkin for a head; I mean, that just screams, 'I'm going to kill you all!'" -- Sean

"I'd rather carry your laundry than see you hobbling along, looking all nasty." -- Sean

[Elana and Chris are singing the same song -- in similar keys, and in unison, more or less.]
Elana: "Look! We're singing!"
Shana: "No." [pointing at Chris with one hand and Elana with the other] "YOU'RE singing. There's no 'we' involved."

Elana: "Are you an SOB?"
Matt: "Yeah."
Elana: "I see a lot of you guys naked."

"P.S. Sorry I scared you with my diseased knee in the alleyway." -- Shana

Me: "Dude, what do I write in the note?"
Sean, thinking for a second: "... 'Your beauty drives me to incontinence.'"
Me: "Yeah, 'I'd shit in my pants for you.'"

Sean: "It was so loud, it sounded like --"
Me: "Armageddon?"
Sean: "Yeah, it was really loud."

"Okay, give me a quote." -- Me

Ivanova [crying mournfully]: "I should have at least boffed him once."
Franklin [laughs incredulously and silently]: "... did you just say 'boffed'?"
Ivanova [smiling through tears]: "It's something he would have said. ... It's not like I was doing anything else."

Franklin: "It wasn't your fault. It was just unrequited love."
Ivanova: "All love is unrequited, Stephen. All of it."

Delenn [to the League ambassadors]: "Please come in."
Londo: "Yes, come in, come in. I hope you all brought a change of underwear. You'll need it after you read what Delenn has proposed."

"The bitch of it is ... you probably did the right thing." -- President Lushenko

Lennier: "Do you know what Ivanova said at the end? She said, 'All love is unrequited.'"
Delenn [touching Lennier's cheek affectionately]: "That's not true. You don't believe that, do you, Lennier?"

"G'Kar ... the prosthetic eye Dr. Franklin made for you? Where is it?" -- Londo

"... And Babylon 5 ... Babylon 5 endures." -- Delenn

"It wouldn't work. It just wouldn't happen. It would be like casting Holy Bolt on a Fallen One. It would pass right through!" -- Sean

Me: "I'm going to call USAir and see if they have better rates."
Sean: "USAir's good stuff. It's all about real airlines."
Me: "No, USAir's not good stuff. They always crash."

Me, responding to Anne's dinner invitation: "Ummmm ... actually, if God decides to like me sometime in the near future, I will hopefully be eating with the girl of my dreams tomorrow night."
Anne: "Oh, so we're on, then?"

Me: "I suck."
Anne: "No, no ... the suckage is all mine."

Anne: "Dang -- you are one happenin' plan man."

"What's a guy gotta do to get a fantasy to come true around here anyways?" -- Me

"Kosher? That's when the cow has to be facing Mecca when you kill it." -- Quote of the Day from some girl in Wojciech (Tek) Przylecki's biochem lab

"A confident pessimist -- unusual combination." -- Elana, contemplating my existence

Me: "My heart's been racing since 6:00 when I was talking with Anne about this."
Sean: "Nice."
Me: "No. It makes me want to pee."

"When in doubt, empty your magazine."
"Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are."
"Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at."
"Never hit anyone with your hand. Hit them with something, the heavier the better."
"Keep punching."
"There's more to marriage than four bare legs and a bed."
"Sometimes you've got to spend your money. Stop saving everything for that rainy day. Ever see an armored truck following a hearse?"

Sean [as I open a new package of Mounds]: "Oh, look at you! Breaking the Mounds' hymen."
Me: [after a moment of shock and disgust]: "Dude, there are no cherries in Mounds."

"The data structures are currently about 2.7 megabytes in size and contain all of the information necessary for characterizing the current state of the world at a given point in time."

CS201 student: "It seems that s1 is sort of existing in the ether."
Prof. McDermott: "Everything in Scheme exists in the ether."

"If you can't win, don't try." -- Prof. McDermott

"So let's say we define lv2 to be a land vehicle ... with 8 wheels ... runs on deuterium ... and its color is, say, 'glowing'. ... Got the Nukemobile here." -- Prof. McDermott, having fun with object definitions

"Lindsey is just chock full o' quotes." -- Shana

"She explicitly told me not to mention her mother on my plan because it's obscene." -- Shana, regarding Lindsey's cruel censorship of Shana's budding new plan

"Yeah, you're always baggaging everything up." -- Anne

Sean: "I should try that sometime."
Me: "What?"
Sean: "Going on a diatribe and missing."
Me: "Why?"
Sean: "It seems like fun when you do it."

[Sean and I carry on in one of our typical lateral bathroom conversations while Asit Gosar brushes his teeth, silently. Sean makes poignant remark regarding my general lack of a sense of anything.]
Asit: [chuckles]
Me: "Hey! You stay out of this!"

"It wasn't a slut outfit. It was a nun's outfit ... without the habit." -- Kerry Wallace

"She had a couple of glasses of wine, and she became quite frisky. In fact, she was all over me. I was trying to get away from her, but she pursued me ... clear across the couch." -- caller on Feel Good Radio, 11/3

"I'm about as stable as a toaster oven in an earthquake." -- Lindsey, quoting Shana

"Scheme programmers use the verb cons, which has an infinitive 'to cons', tenses 'cons, cons'd, has cons'd', participle 'consing', and conjugation 'I cons, he conses, etc.' We shall make frequent use of these words." -- Springer & Friedman, imagining themselves English professors

"But I don't want to be wearing gloves to drink my Swiss Miss." -- Me

"I can't log in! I can't log in! Somebody send me mail!" -- Me

Me: "Boil!"
Sean, a la Duke Leto Atreides: "Hhhggghhhrrraaahhhnnn! Dahhhmn the boiling! Hhhggghhhrrraaahhhnnn!"

Me: "Dude, it found the song by itself."
Sean: "It's prescient ... sometimes."
Me: "That's going on the plan."
Sean: "What about 'Hhhggghhhrrraaahhhnnn! Hhhggghhhrrraaahhhnnn!'?"

"Special night idea -- RUSSIAN NIGHT!! We could all eat borscht and drink vodka, and wait [in] long lines for bread." -- Jesse Grauman, being creative on behalf of the Kosher Kitchen

"The cool thing about having laryngitis is that you rarely have a sore throat associated with it. ... And when I have laryngitis I also get myself in less trouble." -- Me

"So, you could have a three-headed coin ... well, no, you couldn't have a three-headed coin, but you could roll a three-sided die ..." -- Professor David Pollard, having a bad morning

CS201 student [asking questions about the content of the upcoming midterm]: "I'm trying to limit the scope of the test."
Prof. McDermott: "Yeah, I'm trying not to."

"See, aliens landed in medieval England and gave people these 'feet' ..." -- Prof. Pollard, countering the idea that the "foot" was based on the length of King Henry VIII's lower extremities

Sean: "I had to do away with a horsefly today ..."
Me: "Nice."
Sean: "... which is why the Rite-Aid is out."

Professor Jerome Bracken: "Just about every city in the world with 200,000 people has an airport. Even New Haven has one."
Me: "Pretty low MOG."
Professor Richard Rosenthal (of the US Naval Post-Graduate School): "Yeah, you could MOG out New Haven pretty quick."

Prof. Rosenthal: "... because Europeans don't vote ... at least not in this country."

"It's not the models or algorithms, stupid; it's the studies, and sometimes the insights." -- from overhead entitled "Some Lessons Learned by an Operations Research Academic Who Got Interested in Mobility Applications", by Prof. Rosenthal

"Organic chemistry is the study of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl." -- Mike Adams

"Boy, this is weird -- me explaining .plan philosophy to you?" -- Anne

"Forward that to me ... no, don't forward it to me ... yeah, forward it to me; I'll just delete it." -- Me

"Don't forget to finger me daily: sdk23" -- Shana's new .sig file (she's learning, folks!)

Nothing is as easy as it looks.    -- Murphy's First Law
Everything takes longer than you think.    -- Murphy's Second Law
Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.    -- Murphy's Third Law
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.    -- Murphy's Fourth Law
If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.    -- Murphy's Fifth Law
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.    -- Murphy's Sixth Law
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.    -- Murphy's Seventh Law
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.    -- Murphy's Eighth Law
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.    -- Murphy's Ninth Law
Mother Nature is a bitch.    -- Murphy's Tenth Law
It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.    -- Murphy's Eleventh Law
Murphy was an optimist.    -- O'Toole's Commentary

"RESOLVED: Sardines must be comfortable in Kenny's bed." -- The Yale Exit Players

"Funny that. I had always thought you were my equal in hapkido ability." -- my quote that the Exit Players used on stage

"Could I please have two debaters and a SILENT audience to greet them! [Two debaters walk in. Crowd is silent.] ... a CLAPPING silent audience, please!" -- Stephanie Escajeda, of the Exit Players

Audience member, suggesting an adverb: "Anally."
Dave K., taking down suggestions: "I knew that was going to come in here somewhere."

Exit Players' Jeopardy Answer: "Versacce on a porno movie set."
Exit Player's Question: "What is ... watch where you stand, you could get hit in the back?"

Audience suggestion for title of scene: "The big red shoes."
Exit Player: "Something more ..."
Me: "... of Big Gay Al."
Audience: [laughter, among those who get the reference]
Exit Player: "One more time?"
Me: "... of Big Gay Al."
Exit Player, puzzled: "The big red shoes of ... Bigayel?"
Me and other audience members: "Noooo!"
Exit Player, figuring he's just never going to get it: "I bring you to a scene entitled, 'The Big Red Shoes of ... Bigayel'. Make of that whatever you want."

Stephanie, moderating the Exit Player Debate: "Switch! And he's not pulling his ear because it itches!!!"

Me: "Can we do another one of those things where we leave a bottle of milk in the fridge for five weeks?"
Sean [emphatically]: "No. I like apple cider."
Me [starting towards my .project, then pausing]: "Wait. What did you say?"
Sean: "No. I like apple cider."
Me [resuming my motion]: "Okay. Just checking."

"Any of several South American trees of the genus -- oh, that sucks." -- Sean, finding a Webster's definition he apparently didn't like

"Pax, waving for B.J. to come back, and Michael flips it in to B.J., back to Michael. Michael, 11 seconds. Across the timeline he comes, goes to Pippen. Pippen runs down the lane. Dumps it out to Horace. Paxson for THREE ... YEEAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! YEEEAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"
"HE HITS THE THREE!"
"THREE AND NINE-TENTHS SECONDS LEFT, AND THE BULLS LEAD 99-98!!"

Noah Mamber: "I happen to like Bishop Tutu Corner."
Larry Schooler: "It is an outstanding corner."

Prof. McDermott: "I've had a lot of questions about the problem set, meaning that there have been some gaps in the material I've presented in class. So ... the problem set is postponed two days."
Class (used to problem sets being postponed in CS201, and quite relieved in this particular instance): [mixture of applause and laughter]
Prof. McDermott: "But ... don't start counting on this."
Class: [sarcastic laughter]

Sean (a la Jack Nicholson): "You want to shokel?"
Sean (a la Tom Cruise): "I want to DOVEN!"
Sean (a la Jack Nicholson): "YOU CAN'T HANDLE A DOVEN!"

"The bat, Wendy. Gimme the bat, Wendy. I'm not gonna hurt ya'. I'm just gonna bash your fucking brains in."
"Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?"
"Where does he get all those wonderful toys?"
-- Jack Nicholson, at various points in his career

"Ooooooh, sounds like Apocalypse." -- Sean

"The problem is those cushy things were so erratic. Cushy things never fly well." -- Sean, regarding the inherent problem with Assault on "American Gladiators"

Sean (after spouting some raunchy gibberish): " ... no, never mind."
Me: "Where were you going with that?"
Sean: "Ummm ... nowhere fortunate."

Elana: "No one takes a scarf, right?"
Me: "Yeah, no one takes a scarf."
Elana: "It's a nice scarf ... it's black ..."

Me: "You want to see me in tights? Is that the idea?"
Elana: "Well, not tights ... tight-fitting pants." (this made non-erotic sense in context :)

"There's a lot to be said for a clunky method that always works." -- Prof. Pollard

"OK ... so, I'll give you some clunk on Friday." -- Prof. Pollard, giving us something to look forward to for next time

"All I know is that I walked in, the room was dark, you were on the couch dying, and 'Dust In the Wind' was playing. It was very surreal." -- Sean

Tek: "You've got 98 gold pieces, Campos. What the hell are you trying to do?"
Lucas Campos: "Oh shit! I don't know what I'm doing."

"This is it! We can't do anything else. I defy you to optimize this any more!" -- Prof. McDermott, after students made several corrections to the program he had written on the board

Prof. McDermott: "There's this key notion that keeps popping up ..."
Me (under my breath): "No pun intended."
Prof. McDermott: "No pun intended."

"Never mind, I found Chipmunk BASIC on the WWW, and it's workin' like nobody's baby's bottom." -- Peter Kaplan

"You can tie me down. This is written consent, I will verify it verbally, and sign any form of writ you desire." -- Shana

"On the other hand, I sure was up early this morning! I deserve pity! ... Tie me down!!!" -- Shana

"... I keep mixing up Vichtenstein and Liechtenstein." -- Anne

Me: "That's my thing! Don't pull it out! It needs to be tucked in!"

... or, alternatively,

Sean: "What is this crap on your bed?"
Me: "That's my thing! Don't pull it out! It needs to be tucked in!"

"Oh, my God, that needs to go on the plan soooooo bad!" -- Me

Shana, semi-orgasmically: "Ahhhhhhhh!"
Elizabeth (in response to onlookers' confused stares): "I touched her."
Erika G. (after a moment): "Where?"

Me: "... because if everyone had everything in common with me ..."
Sean: "The world would be a very boring place ... and it would be over very quickly."

"At first I laughed loud and hard, and then I wondered what the hell you were talking about." -- Me

"I have some taste ... I think ... maybe not." -- Andrew Cohen

"I think she went out ... she was dressed. I don't know how dressed." -- Shana

Hyunae Chang: "How'd you do that?"
Me: "I'm special."
Hyunae: "No you're not."

"God, I've got to remember not to talk while you're on email." -- Hyunae