Summer 1997 Oldproj

"Have a neat summer." -- Shana Katz

"I'm going to the Woodstock Renaissance Faire this weekend ... life isn't COMPLETELY dull!" -- Shana

"I'm told you can see these stereogram things in under 3 seconds. Is it true?" -- Secret Agent Shana

Netanya Sandler: "She asked me what I've been doing."
Me: "Or whom."

"He started to lick his ass, and then he went to sleep." -- my Mom

"Well, nail me to a cross ..." -- Craig Kilborn, on "The Daily Show"

"I'm peeling. I don't want skin cancer." -- Elana

"Did you hear this? Clinton may be asked to display his genitals as court evidence in the Paula Jones case. I suppose the one good thing for the White House is that this will be the one piece of evidence that doesn't have Hilary's fingerprints all over it." -- Jay Leno, on "The Tonight Show"

"It's not like I'm the AP. I'm not going to tell anybody." -- Larry Schooler

Lieutenant Corwin: "So, I guess from here on out the operational phrase is 'Trust no one'."
Commander Ivanova: "No. Trust Ivanova. Trust yourself. Anybody else -- shoot 'em."

Ozden: "The protocol says to use DNase to get rid of the viscosity."
Me: "Why don't you just use Castrol GTX? It protects against 'viscosity and thermal breakdown'."

"Pssst, Garibaldi. Bruce Willis called. He says he needs his DNA back." -- Hanif

Me: "Good call-age."
Sean Smeland: "Unlike Harvard."

"He's really devoted to her. He honestly calls her every ... so often." -- Vandana Chinwalla

"And with their only hope resting on the meek Centauri assistant, Londo and G'Kar have something else in common ... a snowball's chance in hell!" -- Final sentence on the back cover of Babylon 5 Book #8, "Secret Agendas"

Me: "Love abides no boundaries."
Elana: "But what if the person you love is a murderer?"

"Pot's a misdemeanor; decapitation seems a bit severe." -- Lieutenant D'Gusta, in "The Relic"

"I am one with the chicken. I am one with the chicken." -- Joey the Bellhop, in "Beverly Hills Ninja"

"My h-h-h-hipph!" -- Sean, who else (well, aside from the rest of those wacky Spizzwinks)

"Are you referring to literal family, or metaphysical family?" -- Sean

"I put my bat up on that pitch. When I dip, you dip, we dip." -- Stuart Scott (a la Freak Nasty) on Sportscenter, 7/22/97

Dave Ross: "Hey, my sister's a babe."
Me: "Can I put that on my project?"
Dave: "As long as you don't fuck her."

"'Props' doesn't do you justice." -- Sean

"She's not to die for ... she's to live for." -- Me, being infatuated with the girl from the train

"Oy, did God test my friend Boris. First, the Cossacks ravaged his wife. But since his wife looked like a herring, it was really more of a test for the Cossacks." -- Billy Crystal, on "Soap"

"Yeah, that works really well! They did it on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles once." -- Me, who else

Sean: "Hmmm."
Me: "Quite."

"Any attempt to interpret this paragraph would be stupid." -- Sean

"Wheeee!" -- Sean

"I need to get all my rocking done now, in order to make way for you tomorrow!" -- Sean

"Last night at the gym, Frank had an epic battle with an insurgent treadmill." -- Sean

Sean: ":)"
Me: "Quite."

Valerie Bailey: "You just want to be a guy with a gun."
Me: [long explanation about how I want to serve my country and go undercover in places and roles and situations where nobody knows me]
Val: "So you just want to be a guy with a gun."
Me: "Well, yeah."

"You have a date? With some bond you met on pubic transit?" -- Anne, whose comments are always made funnier by the fact that she does not possess the letter "L" on her keyboard

"Is any of this going on your pan?" -- again, Anne

Me: "Did you ever see 'Strange Brew'?"
Val: "Yeah. I hated it."
Me: "Really? Why?"
Val: "They always said 'eh!'"

Sean: "Although, according to James Joyce, being posthumous is a mitigating factor, so at the very least, we can absolve such sheep of any guilt they might possess with regard to any forthcoming slaughters of Scottish scientists."
Me: "Quite, but that's only common sense. And plan material."

"Augh! Mucus buildup!" -- Sean

"Nonetheless, thank you for the sentiments. And the pronouns." -- Me

Me: "Franklin W. Dixon!!!!"
Sean: "What?! What do the Hardy Boys have to do with this??"
Me: "Do with what?"
Sean: "With ANYTHING?!"

Sean: "And last night on AOL I invoked Samuel Beckett!"
Me: "Who were you invoking with?"

"Cool ... I just sushi-cheffed myself." -- Me

"Daaaaaaaaaamn!" -- Spawn, upon finding out how truly cool his armor is

Hanif: "They fell."
Sean: "This PROVES you have no balance!"
H: "Hey, I have balance. The fries don't have balance."
S: "Yeah, but you are ultimately responsible for their balance, so the fact still remains that YOU HAVE NO BALANCE!"
H: "No, I am not responsible for their balance! They're responsible for their own balance!"
S: "WHAT?! Hanif, french fries are not autonomous!"
H: "Dude, wait, we're talking about McDonald's fries here."

"Whoah! Hold on a second! Did you say JESSE HELMS?!"
"Wait, what?! Please don't invoke Jesse Helms like that!"
"What?! How does this involve Jesse Helms?!"
"PLEASE stop bringing Jesse Helms into conversation!"
"Augh! No more Jesse Helms! . . . NO! This does NOT involve Jesse Helms! . . . I don't care, NO MORE JESSE HELMS!!"

Me: "That Kabba Stone has to be the most disease-ridden thing in the entire world, with all those people kissing it every day."
Vandana: "But what about that one Jewish wall? What is it? The Wailing Wall? Don't lots of people go there every day?"
Me: "Yeah, but you're supposed to stand there and pray, not lick the thing."

Vandana: "Well, what's the significance of that wall?"
Me: "Oh, it's the last remaining part of the Temple."
Vandana: "Isn't that also a holy site for Christians too?"
Me: "Yeah, I think Jesus pissed around there or something."
Ron Tomek: "Jesus pissed on the Wall?"
Me: "No, just somewhere nearby.... After all, in Jesus' time, the Wall was still part of the Temple."
Scott Fears: "Well, maybe he snuck inside and found a little back room ..."
[five minutes pass]
Ron: "I don't know, I'd still like to see this Wall Jesus pissed on."

"I wonder if Jesse Helms ever pissed on the Wall." -- Sean

"Basically, all we did in acting class was jump around the room, make funny noises, and give each other massages. Too bad I never considered theater studies as a major. Maybe I wouldn't be able to get a job after graduation, but at least I wouldn't have tense shoulders in the unemployment line." -- Anthony Young

"My cushy telnet connection works better than your cushy rectum, however." -- Sean

Sean: "So, what was so funny?"
Me: "When?"
Sean: "When you fell out of your chair and spewed Spanish at me!!!"

"I hadn't realized Samantha Fox was a Klingon." -- Me

"Eric, do you need to sit in the corner until your flaming gas is under control?" -- Mr. Garrison

Kyle: "Mr. Garrison, seriously, I have to go! Can I PLEASE be excused from class?"
Mr. Garrison: "I don't know, Kyle, did you ask Mr. Hat?"
Kyle: "I don't WANT to ask Mr. Hat! I'm asking you!"
Mr. Garrison: "W'l, I think you should ask Mr. Hat."
Kyle: "Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?"
Mr. Hat: "Well, Kyle ... NO!!! No, no! No!! Now I'm Mr. Hat ... 'n y'r-you're a little turd! Do you hear me? You go to hell!! You go to hell, and you die!!!"

"Oh, aren't we cool. We can form hyphenated moronicisms." -- Sean

"January (I mean August) 27th." -- Sean, having problmes

Sean: "Months are autonomous ..."
Me: "As are staplers."

"DOS, when it stubs its toe, keeps walking. Windows, by contrast, falls to the floor and starts retching, until it manages to crawl to the gun rack and blow off its own head." -- Sean the Wise in the ways of the PC

"You put your head upon my hip, and then I kick your queen ass to the curb!" -- Sean

"I don't do married men." -- Netanya

"--God of Chmod" -- Sean, signing a letter MOST pretentiously

"Carpentry runs in my family (yet ANOTHER reason why certain people think I'm Jesus)." -- Sean, apparently starting a trend on my .project

"I'm not going to check your region. You can check your region. I'm not interested in your region." -- Vandana, holding a Geiger counter

Dani Snyder: "So, we didn't kiss, but if we had, I would have remembered it, because, you know, he's Eric Stoltz."
Sean: "He's Eric Stoltz, a famous movie actor."
Dani: "Yeah, he's Eric Stolz, a famous movie actor, who's really good-looking."
Sean: "Yes, but he's Eric Stoltz, a famous movie actor who's really good-looking, and who is 37 years old."
Dani: "Yeah, he's old. He thinks he's 23, but he's old."
Sean: "Is he married?"
Dani: "No, he's not married, he's just old."

"When she popped out with 'No, he's not married, he's just old,' I almost choked on my pineapple juice." -- Sean