"I always considered the = to be the counter in a hold up, so X + 1 = 4 is like how may I and my assistant 1 help you and then another X walks in and tells 4 like 'get the fuck down' and then shoots him so now it looks like 1 = 4 -X and X still has his gat out." -- Mike J.
[sean] if you want cheap property, you look at bremerton ...
[sean] it's only a ferry ride away!
[alex] i heard capitol hill is where you go if you want to ride a fairy
"Google [Maps'] disclaimer on the results: These directions are for planning purposes only. You may find that construction projects, traffic, weather, or other events such as pile-ups caused by drivers blindly following crazy directions may cause conditions to differ from the map results ..." -- Dave C.
[rebecca] I learned that one from the best...
[rebecca] best _what_ I'm not sure...
[me] hmph
[me] I'll have you know
[me] that I've won "Least Productive SDE of the Year" 2 years running
[me] so there
[alex] I don't really celebrate her birthday, I celebrate the fact that when I graduated
high school and [entered] the military she was still in elementary school
[cash] that must have been very hard for her, you away in the military, her still
having to deal with long division
"It's the last day for pre-orders for my daughter." -- guy apparently trying to sell Girl Scout cookies
"Sadistic brutal violence including a rape and disturbing images, language, nudity and some drug use." -- MPAA explanation for giving an "R" rating to The Last House on the Left
[cash, quoting a news headline] Amazon Web Services Help Fuel Blow-Out Quarter
[cash] uh
[cash] Cool Aerodynamic Mirrors Help Fuel Fast Race Car
[alex] heh
[alex] Shaving Body Hair Helps Swimmer's Time
[cash] so i was asked to do a code review
[cash] and what i did, as always, was code criticism. I didn't give a Roger Ebert-
style thumbs up or whatever, but rather suggested some things and pointed out some ways
to improve it and so on
[cash] and so of course, the question came back: is it okay or not okay?
[cash] and i responded:
[cash] I apologize for giving details without endorsement. It's a bad habit.
[cash] I, Cash Herbert Marcuse Richard Matthew Stallman Xxxxx, believe with
every fiber of my being that you would be doing the right thing -- not just an OK
thing, but the exactly right thing -- if you checked in this change, and I urge you to
do so.
[cash] Go in peace, brother.
[cash] Cash
[cash] and he wrote me back and asked if i really had five middle names
[me] i was in a long meeting today and I started going off about how the XXXXX people suck
[me] and I was about to call them cunts when i realized there were women in the meeting
[me] so i hesitated and proceeded to call them twats
[me] which i think was not much of an improvement :(
[cash] i'm trying to maintain some sort of camaraderie in my team despite the fact
that i wish them all slow murder
[james] slow suicide is better
[james] less work for you
[cash] i'd ... i'd like to be involved, somehow
[james] watch
"I'm not the porn expert that you are." -- Rebecca
"No! A manly bubble bath! Say, cucumber-flavored." -- Adam
"No, you know what's manly? [unbuttons shirt seductively to reveal chest hair]" -- me
[adam] a/s/l?
[cash] 15 days/female/inside your ear, laying eggs
[adam] I don't think most developers would know what to do with a hooker anyway
[me] duh
[me] have her do your laundry
[me] orally
[michael] nah, i had to get an mri on my shoulder cause my doctor found some lump in
the muscle. apparently he just doesnt get the fact that im so ripped my muscles have
muscles
[cash] yeah, that's what happened with my prostate.
[michael] she looks like one of the goombas in mario, everytime i buy coffee from her
im afraid a portly italian plumber dressed in all red is going to leap over the counter
and smash her flat
[michael] and then snatch up the starbucks gold card that pops out of her corpse
[cash] frankly, i doubt it could accommodate my penis, which although of modest length,
is of massive circumference
[me] cash is confusing his nipples with his penis again
[cash] doing it with me is like fucking a discman
[cash] i bet jesus was a total know-it-all
[cash] Jesus: "That's not going to hold me."
[cash] Centurion: "Shut up and keep walking."
[cash] Jesus: "No, I mean, you just used one nail in the center. The crosspiece
is going to swivel."
[cash] he's all, "I just don't think you want me up there moving my arms around like
a cheesy novelty clock, that's all."
[cash] and the centurion's like, "Tell you what. You concentrate on the lugging
portion of the journey right now, and I'll double-check the structural integrity when
we get there."
[adam] I paid a doctor some good money to ensure I never have babies
[adam] It was worth the pain
[alex] he gave you a boyfriend?
[cash] being homicidasexual is perfectly normal
[alex] that's how my dad died
[cash] oh, let's get this out right now. i've had sex with men.
[cash] i'm not ashamed of that
[cash] but i am slightly ashamed of owning cure albums.
[cash] so after he said it, i told him to fuck himself twice (one instance, two fuckings of himself)
[cash] can you be as specific as "target [person]"? i don't mind going down
for the cause
[cash] west side, fourth floor, [building]; you'll make me a happy man
[alex] well, the missiles i [used to work on were] nuclear, so I don't think I
have to be very accurate...
[cash] best thing about using this shit mac mail client: it's better than outlook
[adam] I think a dog delivering printouts of e-mails that I had to re-type would be
better than outlook
Alex, forwarding an email for a friend: "Looks like I am moving apartments again, so if
anyone has any spare boxes etc etc, I would appreciate it."
Outlook user, replying to the wrong thread: "Salty's on Alki beach. Really nice view.
Best to go there when it is warm."
Alex: "Do they serve corrugated?"
[alex] I just saw you heading to specialtys
[cash] wasn't me
[cash] i got a haircut; maybe you saw a yeti
[me] so my cleaning people are coming for the first time on Monday
[cash] hide your dildos and pictures of dilip
[me] unfortunately I have this problem with people seeing my place in a messy state
[me] so I'm likely to clean before they show up
[cash] that's such a ridiculous waste
[me] true
[cash] if anything, i make unnecessary messes when i know the lady's coming
[cash] tip over cans of enchilada sauce
[cash] "whoops, on my way out, can't pick up the five-pound bag of rice I just upended."
[cash] the night before i eat ethiopian food
[me] she was telling me that her crew will take out garbage, recycling, etc.
[me] and i'm like ... uh ... no, really, I can do that
[me] i don't want to feel like a complete douche
[me] i'm just looking for someone who can clean my floor more competently than I can
[cash] so why aren't you on jdate?
[me, quoting idiot client] "Please look into this to see why we don???t have them."
[me] WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE STICKING IN THE WORD "DON'T" THAT REQUIRES 3 BYTES?
[cash] a super-apostrophe
[cash] not apostrophe, but THEpostrophe
[cash] 2^24 bits of contractive goodness
"Large Area Rub (11 x 8) - $15" -- posting on company's internal for-sale list
[me] you're evil
[me] you just made my partial chubby turn inside out and run back inside my body
[alex] well, it didnt have a long way to go...
[adam] Even if you don't get promoted, I still want you on my staff...
[adam] ... big boy ;)
[alex] lets just say, apostrophes to me are like a hot chick staring at Adam. I know theres something Im supposed to do but I just make a mistake and let others point [it] out
"Mediteraininan Gazebo" -- subject line on a message to the company for-sale list
[adam] I set up a VIP in my pants
[adam] It seems to get no hits
[adam] I think it's a DNS issue
[seanr] wrong port?
[adam] No route
[adam] The boys are back in town
[me] you got your vasectomy reversed?
[cash] For those who, for countless generations, have known nothing but toil and
subjugation must be granted, at all costs, the precious gift entitled to all of their
star-traveling kind: freedom!
[cash] i believe that that sentence was written by the author of the old fart tool
[cash] For those who (75.3%), for countless generations, have known nothing but toil
and subjugation (24.7%) ...
"You might be asking yourself how I could possibly have decided to change the name of the .properties file that the class was looking for and _simultaneously_ decided that the class was not looking for any .properties files. This was made possible due to my complete and utter lack of a cerebral cortex." -- me
"I know a spider is just a tiny, eight-legged cat." -- Cash
[adam] Anyway, time to get sweaty with a bunch of men. bbiab
[adam] She has a child and I'm fairly sure she's seeing someone
[cash] her child is already dating?
[me] why would you need to get washed afterwards?
[cash] because when i come i actually emit semen, instead of butterflies or whatever
the fuck comes out of your spectacular cock
[me] <-- fairy dust
[cash] see, i'm asking because i love getting fucked in the ass, but i really don't enjoy the company of men.
[cash] i don't DISLIKE feet
[cash] like, i would prefer that my woman have them
[me] she never seems to notice me if i ever pass her
[me] probably because my massive penis blocks me out
[me] or perhaps there's gravitational lensing going on around me cuz of it
[adam] Well, I noticed her ink, she noticed my ears
[adam] It goes with the territory
[me] i noticed her boyish good looks
[me] how did she give you her number? did she tattoo it onto your leg?
[adam] No, onto the head of my penis
[me] hmm
[me] must have left off the area code
[me] for sure
[me] probably the prefix too
[me] don't forget to write that down
[cash] i have been reviewing some of the books i read (usually ones that don't have
a lot of reviews already) on amazon lately. 32% of people think my reviews are not
helpful, which seems strange to me.
[me] 32% of people don't agree with you, is more like it
[me] or it's possible they don't understand you because you use capital letters and
punctuation
[adam] I got super excited when I got my Craftsman 27mm socket in the mail yesterday
[cash] tools are pretty cool
[cash] i like tools
[adam] Is that why you hang out in this room?
[alex] hrmm, whats a quick set command so that autoindent and shit isnt on when you
paste in vim...
[me] /usr/bin/emacs
Adam: "I'm a kid at heart."
Me: "And in other parts of your anatomy."
[me] i have, like, 4 or 5 favorite tenses
[me] and present is definitely in there
[cash] it would have had been one of mine.
[me] how do i change an Agent in Carnaval?
[cash] juan has gone home, sorry
[me] we used to have a Juan
[me] his name was Mike
"... and the Seattle Public Library's Ziggurat of Knowledge." -- Metro Transit bus operator, announcing a stop
[james] http://engrishfunny.com/2009/06/25/engrish-i-swallow/
[cash] so semen works better internally than topically?
[cash] that seems unlikely
[me] well, i think it definitely performs its intended function better internally than topically
[me] this is tasty play-doh
[adam] Fresh and ready for sniffing
[adam] Or whatever else you do with it
[me] i prefer "huffing"
[me] it sounds better than "rubbing on my genitals"
[me] i gave up on that show after about 4 epidoes
[me] hmm
[me] episodes too
[me] though now i'm curious about what an "epido" is
[cash] it's what they give a pregnant deer
[cash] say that not being a moron is constant across nations
[cash] call it 10%
[cash] charitably
"I had a dream about squeezing you and seeing a bunch of Play-Doh come out of your mouth." -- anon
"I'll pay for your gas." -- Manoj K. K. V.
[cash] i sent that picture to a coworker who likes asian girls
[cash] he said, "How did you find it?"
[cash] i said, "I have a script that informs me whenever someone better-looking than
me gets hired."
[cash] i can't violate my own copyright
[alex] you can if you just fold it under
"My .02 cents." -- post on company mailing list
Connor: "I mean ... you-you're ... you're totally gay, right?"
Melanie: "What?!"
Connor: "You're not?!"
Melanie: "No! ... That was just one time in college, I ... I went to Barnard. I
had no choice."
[cash] so XXXXX comes by with a weird weird core dump
[cash] and of course she knows none of C++ or gdb or Unix, so she needs help
[alex] did it have a string in it?
[cash] no, it wasn't her time of the month
[cash] they're also remaking "The Prisoner"
[alex] is it going to star you and your VP?
[cash] heh
"They have a cronjob that pages you. It's called their software." -- Adam
"On a serious note, if you want a shower you can come to my place." -- Adam
Beds and Bedding
Alex's boss: "I have to run to XXXXX, then I am going to get a hair cut. Call
me if needed. I'll be online later."
Alex: "If we get a table with an electrical outlet, I can bring my clippers and
get you all squared up at the team outing."
Alex's boss: "Thanks Alex. Do you do shaves too?"
Alex: "Yes, but only from the neck up."
[me] so i made my $475 airfare reservation and my $639 hotel reservation
[me] which seems reasonable, given that I'll only be spending 11 hours in the
planes and about 20 hours in the hotel
[me] except that the hotel doesn't TRANSPORT ME ACROSS A CONTINENT
[alex] matt swears by AMP
[matt] fuck amp
[alex] see
[alex] fuck is a swear word
Bart: "Just tell me something I want to hear."
Me: "You look great today, Bart."
[alex] dude
[alex] XXXXX's eyes follow me no matter where I move on my desk
[adam] You should see what he does with his hands
[alex] I took the browns to the superbowl about an hour ago
[me] i do everything possible to make my junk look bigger
[me] and that's all I'm saying
[cash] you hang a fresnel lens in front of it?
[me] no, i put a diorama of Tokyo around it
[me] then it looks like I have Peniszilla
[me] except he doesn't spit fire
[adam] You could have asked her about that in person if you [had shown] up to
the BBQ
[me] yes
[me] we missed you
[cash] i don't like people
[cash] i find meeting people in groups very stressful
[cash] thank you though
[me] it was stressful
[me] after Adam kept showing us his wood
[adam] It was big and I needed to stack it
[me] and the way you kept gripping it with those tongs
[adam] It's too hot to handle by hand
[cash] so what we've got now is: adam's crotch is a bald lilac-smelling desert full of loose metal. i think they shot "Terminator: Salvation" there
[cash] it's not like i'm proud of the mario mushroom that is my pecker, but at least the fat goth girls don't risk cracking a molar when they begrudgingly kiss it goodnight.
[adam] I do it because 1.) I like it and 2.) It gives girls pleasure
[adam] I'm ribbed, baby
[cash] nothing they love more than getting an IUD implanted accidentally
[me] hey that's not a bad idea right there ...
[me] tell her it's a piercing
[me] and then boom ... satellite radio up in her
[cash] if you want to sterilize your girlfriend, just get chlamydia. it worked for XXXXX
[me] so I was watching GoldenEye a couple nights ago, and I realized I can't find Famke
Janssen hot anymore :\
[me] not after the whole thing about her actually being a man on Nip/Tuck
[cash] is famke janssen the dyke from the x-men movies?
[me] yes
[cash] she looks like a man
[cash] you have revealed much
[cash] you do not want to have sex with a man
[cash] but you want to have sex with a woman who is very, very like a man
[me] correct
[cash] you should see if Pink is still free.
[mike] or fergie
[alex] doctor tried to tell me i had an oedipus complex, I just laughed and told him my aunt looks NOTHING like my mom
[cash] is it a tower defense game?
[alex] do you like tower defense games C?
[cash] is this going to be about your dick?
[alex] would that be wrong if it is?
[adam] Oh, I get it.. that's a rape joke
[anon] i would never joke about rape
[anon] i take it very seriously
[anon] given that it's the primary way I get sex
Me, attempting to convince Doug not to move: "I mean ... what do they have in Utah?"
Doug: "Parking."
[adam] I love my wang
[adam] Kid tested, mother approved
Me, entering bathroom: "[I saw some] mail in your inbox."
Brian, entering bathroom: "Was it large? Medium? Small?"
Me, at urinal: "You know, you asked me that just as I was unzipping my pants. That's a little weird."
Brian: [laughs]
Me: "It was large. ... I'm talking about your mail."
Brian: "Yeah, I assumed."
Me: "Oh, snap!"
[alex] I just dehydrated myself in the bathroom
[me] you became a hydrant?
[cash] no
[cash] he dehydranted himself
[cash] so now you can park next to him
Me: "I think I caught my cold by chewing [gum]. I get on a gum kick once or
twice a year and invariably catch a cold within a couple weeks."
Shannon: "Uhhh, maybe you just crave gum when you're coming down with something?
The causality doesn't make any sense otherwise ... Don't blame the gum!"
Me: "The gum is evil and malicious! Don't assume you can know all of its varied,
sinister purposes -- you're just falling victim to its wiles!"
Shannon: "I chew almost a pack a day and I haven't died yet ..."
Me: "*gasp* A pack a day!!! That's a sure fire recipe for lung disease!
I hear that chewing nicotine gum can help you quit."
[cash] dan gets 1 share per grant, but he's on the four-grants-a-year program
[cash] every time he gets one, he sells 33% to cover taxes, and puts the rest
into lowering his ceiling.
Stephanie: "You could wear that."
Me, sarcastically: "Oh, this is acceptable, is it?"
Stephanie: "Yeah, I'd hold you on my arm."
Me: "That's not what I'm interested in ..."
ASPCA rep: "Are you an animal lover?"
Cash: "In some senses, yes."
Rep: "Do you have pets?"
Cash: "Yes, I have two cats."
Rep: "Great. The ASPCA blah blah blah dogs and cats blah blah blah."
Cash: "So ... I don't really care for dogs."
Rep: "Okay, I prefer cats myself."
Cash: "So if I give you money, how can I make sure none of it goes to dogs?"
Rep: "No no. Your pledge would go towards helping us build facilities and maintain no-kill shelters, blah blah."
Cash: "But those shelters would help dogs."
Rep: "Right."
Cash: "Okay, so when you guys start a cats-only charity, you should let me know. I'm not spending a dime for a bunch of dog-lovers."
Adam: "What you could do is hook up the flusher on the toilet ..."
Me: "... to like a red light/green light type of thing?"
Adam: "Well, no ... I was going to say to some clamps on his nipples."
[anon] I want to wreck that girl
[me] ...
[anon] No, seriously
[anon] She's quite the little sizzler
[anon] The things I would do to her can't be described without an anatomy book onhand
[cash] you can decide how awesome a pop act is by the length of the busta rhymes cameo
[cash] i was watching some lame-ass soul singer the other day
[cash] she apparently bought the "Friends of Busta" package, which is like the cheapest package
[cash] he just comes in and kinda yells over your chorus
[cash] you can tell people are serious if they pay for the full "Busta Patrons" package
[cash] so a cop got killed in the central district this weekend
[alex] yeah, ive been following that
[me] what was he doing at the time?
[cash] sitting in his car
[alex] they say it looks like an assassination
[me] did his head go back and to the left?
[cash] listen
[cash] tell dan [why X was fired]
[cash] and then have dan encode the message on my guest bathroom's wall in his semen
[cash] "Hmmm. According to my wall, he was fired for splatter splatter tears."
"It's not that I'm a huge fan of Al Qaeda ..." -- Cash
[me] answers the age-old question of what happens when an unstoppable force meets
a 95-pound woman
[adam] I could have told you that after T and I had sex for the first time
[me] T is impressive, but I wouldn't call her an "unstoppable force".
[me] yeah, you should read your email more often :)
[bart] my secretary reads it for me
[me] look, just because she's a woman doesn't mean you can get away with calling Adam your secretary
Me, filling out immunization consent form: "Am I allergic to latex?"
Adam, likewise: "Not after yesterday."
[cash] there is good news in this, of course
[cash] Maurice Clemmons: 4, cops: 1
[cash] i think that means he gets at least one UAV to dispatch
[cash] although i think that's how my wife's butthole got haunted
[cash] oh, wait, DOCK of the bay
[cash] sorry
[cash] Fio made principal
[cash] Boom is trying to eat my headphone cords
"Last night I was playing with three privates." -- me
[cash] i met my wife when she called me a faggot for fragging her
[cash] to be fair, it was only my second time playing Tetris.
[adam] There is no gun range anywhere near West Seattle :(
[alex] yeah there is, White Center.
[adam] Whaaa??
[adam] Where??
[alex] the entire neighborhood.
[mike] speaking of tyler perry
[mike] i saw precious
[mike] holy shit man
[cash] honestly, fuck that shit
[cash] if i want to see fat miserable people i can turn my bathroom mirror into a home theater
[cash] at the olive 8 you can sample the fine cuisine of the food machines
at the bus station
[cash] but you're steps from light rail, so you can just head on over to ...
columbia city, i guess
[me] my designer has a fabulous view of the Greyhound station
[cash] if you go out on the balcony, you can hear the vagrants being knifed
[cash] well, at least if you've maxed out sit rep
[cash] where the fuck are you getting burger ingredients for $.50?
[cash] and a "really good" burger for $3?
[cash] maybe he doesn't know what a hamburger is, and he's just eating, i
dunno, wet paper towels.
This page last updated 03/10/2010.