Jan - Dec 2008 Oldproj

"Preventing people from having sex isn't the government's business... it's Blizzard Entertainment's business." -- me

[cash] they just dragged some new grads into my office and asked me to talk about my group
[cash] "what do you do in a typical day?"
[cash] "more than the recommended dosage," I said

Jason: "Why not pay it? I assume you were parked in a Diamond lot at the time you received the ticket, and were beyond the time limit?"
Me: "Newp. He was just driving past, and they shot a suction dart onto his window with a ticket attached."
William: "Actually, I [had] stopped in the street to let a line of baby ducks cross (which were decoys) when the parking attendant jumped out of the bushes, shoulder-rolled over the hood of my car, left the ticket, and disappeared into the night."

"That's the benefit of midget porn. It takes less space on your hard drive." -- anon.

Cash: "We at [company] have a firm policy of hiring people regardless of differences in race, sex, religion, sexual orientation, or ability to do a sort in less than O(n!)."
James, correcting him: "We at [company] have a firm policy of hiring people regardless of differences in race, sex, religion, sexual orientation, or ability."

Cash: "I grew up in a state where [MLK day] wasn't a holiday. Every January 18 or so, the editor of the big paper would remind us that [MLK] was a communist and a plagiarist and an adulterer."
Me: "Was that Arizona?"
Cash: "The other one. New Hampshire."
Me: "Ah. [State motto:] Live Free (as long as you're not black) or Die."

[me] tear gas is for pansies
[me] for real men you need to use something stronger: diarrhea gas
[cash] can they distribute ethiopian food in a gas canister like that?
[me] yes
[me] they use specialized blenders
[cash] awesome
[me] with the following settings:
[me] chop, dice, mince, puree, weaponize

Nghia, commenting on my psyche: "You're dark."
Me: "Thanks! I try to tan as much as possible, though I think most people would still say I'm pale. I mean ... no one's ever come up to me and said, 'Hey, Dan. You're black, right?'"

Juan Escalante Gonzalez: "Acetaminophen is the only pain killer (that I know of) that does not make my eyelids swell really bad. ... Pretty much everything [else] I've tried disfigures my face and requires a shot to get back to normal."
Me: "Have you considered taking the medication orally?"

[matt] okay to be clear, he was really smart
[matt] just had no idea how to act in a company
[matt] or society
[matt] and he also had a small case of ADD
[matt] and by small i mean huge

[cash] "I saw this at the Waterfront Film Festival in Saugatuck, Michigan."
[cash] oh, the old WFF
[cash] i have to say that that's one of the top three film festivals in the saugatuck metropolitan region

[cash] anyway, i was a cunt when I was younger
[james] that's why people fingered you?

"Shh! Don't confuse the issue with logic!" -- me

[anonymous 1] i would bone her seven ways from Sunday
[anonymous 2] i can only think of three ways
[anonymous 1] you clearly have never had sex with a leper

[cash] i figured out my problem
[me] is it your underpants?
[cash] do not call release() when what you want is Release()
[me] especially not in your underpants

"That guy is gayer than Christmas on Fire Island." -- Cash

John Connor: "I guess when they say you can't fight City Hall, they really mean it."
Derek Reese: "Well, whoever said that didn't have as much plastique as we do."

[michaelj] and i was like "fuck that, i'm going to be admiral ackbar"

Margaux, half to herself, in the middle of the work day: "I just feel like a beer."
Me, calling across the office: "What's a beer feel like, Margaux?"
Margaux, sing-songing: "I hate you, Dan."

"The design review I'm in has a document written by someone who thinks apostrophes mean, 'Here comes an S!'" -- Cash

Justin: "I don't understand why you include this irrelevant hyperbola [sic] ..."
Cash: "(y^2 / 9) - (x^2 / 16) = 1. This is a pretty relevant hyperbola."

"My Latin's rusty. I think this track's title means 'I bone my sweet Jesus'." -- me

Jennica: "When do you typically hear about your acceptance or rejection to a law school? (I didn't apply nor do I ever plan to.)"
Matthew: "Then it's probably going to be awhile."

"I am simply asserting that things fall down. This should come as no controversy." -- Chris C.

Matt: "That research is really awesome. I would love to be able to have someone clone replacement parts for me as needed."
Cash: "They're called 'interns'."

"Silly market ... always evaluating the perceived worth of a company instead of evaluating the worth that would maximize Dan Grossman's income." -- me

"I check Mormon mailing-list membership to see which married chicks I'm allowed to hit on." -- me

[cash] omg, we are best buds
[cash] you should introduce us so I can ask him out
[me] he's married
[cash] SO AM I
[cash] we have that in common too!
[me] apparently more married than you, though
[cash] listen, every married man is just waiting for the right married man to come along.
[me] lol

"I'm too married for sex with anyone who isn't really into functional programming and algebraic topology." -- Cash

Me: "I mean, it's midget porn. What's not to like?"
Lindsay: "I know! I've got a big screen TV, so they'd look normal size anyway."

"Plus you never know when you'll need someone to decay your muons for you." -- me

"We probably need a different (more aggressive) model for US-Music-Rap." -- Anil

"We Signed Up For Dodgeball" -- our beach volleyball team name

"Highlights of the Yale Conference of Governors on Climate Change included addresses by California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and R.K. Pachuri, chairman of the Nobel Peach Prize-winning Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change." -- from a Yale newsletter (typo left in for humour)

[me] i know who the guy is who must have written that
[me] his name is "every IMDB user ever"

"My favorite [Metro Transit] 358 experience was when a lady broke the un-lit cigarette she was holding, shrugged her shoulders, and ate it." -- Marc R.

Amanda M.: "I have been vomited on (morning commute), and had the man next to me poop his pants (night commute) on the 358."
Jason C.: "My bad."

[me] can you fit through a 6-inch gap?
[cash] can your gap fit my 6-incher?

[cash] the career development presentation today featured the world's worst venn diagram, in that it had three circles that did not, in fact, connect

"Is there some twist or something like he/she is a secret agent transsexual?" -- Dmfaust

"You need to give me XXXXX's number. I'll call her like a telemarketer and ask if she's satisfied with her current romance provider. Then I'll offer her a better deal with more minutes and an improved service plan." -- Me, to Lindsay

[me] i got a "Help Me Lose Weight" smoothie from Emerald City Smoothies an hour ago
[me] ingredients: ice, syrup of ipecac

"I will email you further if you have any other questions." -- note left by office furniture mover

[me] i keep waiting for her boyfriend to kick it so she's available
[me] cuz he's like, ancient, n stuff
[me] :D
[rebecca] lol
[rebecca] well
[me] no srsly he's like 50-something
[me] so ... any day now

[cash] jesus man
[cash] i come back from lunch and it's all rectal fish transport

[me] last Thursday at karaoke I was going to try singing Tom Sawyer
[me] and then I remembered that I absolutely suck at that song
[cash] were you going to do the fiddly guitar bits with your mouth?
[cash] do do do do do do, do do do do do
[cash] like the time i did Jimi Hendrix' version of the national anthem at karaoke
[me] :D
[me] no, but I did some nice air guitar during "Keep on Lovin' You"
[me] actually, it probably just looked like I was passing a kidney stone
[me] but I think that's part of being a good air guitarist

"I never played 'golf', the card game. I did play 'card the golfers' when I worked at a country club bar." -- Cash

"One of two things was not kind to her: (a) camera, (b) life." -- me

[me] o0
[me] :P
[me] hmm ... that combination of emoticons doesn't look so great together.

[me] how was the interviewee?
[rebecca] decent for the role we want to bring him in for
[me] head decaf-coffee dumper?

[me] i'm kidding, of course ... I like most of the women in HR
[me] cuz they're HOT MOMMAS
[rebecca] lol

Scott, skydiving instructor: "Ready to jump?"
Me: "I'm ready to fall."

Me: "I heard skydiving is really easy. You just let the Earth do the work."
Scott, skydiving instructor: "Yep. I can guarantee you there will be a landing."

[me] i was somewhat concerned that the force of the tandem parachute's opening would involuntarily indoctrinate me into the Mile High Club
[me] but fortunately the instructor's penis was more in my back area than my ass area
[cash] oh, so it was like cinemax

[cash] i didn't jump off my ottoman yesterday, which has an even lower rate of fatalities.
[me] did you leave your ottoman at all?
[cash] i try not to. he's always killing armenians.
[cash] i come back and he's shat all over my system of a down records
[cash] so they sound basically the same

[damien] We had mice in our house in Winston-Salem that tried to kill us with arson
[me] they hired someone to burn down your house?
[damien] No, they were much more enterprising and tried to do it themselves by booby-trapping our oven
[me] they put combustible breast implants in your oven?!?!?!

[alex] I dont care what you wear, Im still not going out with you
[me] Alex: you haven't seen me in my clothes
[me] hmm
[me] that came out wrong

[cash] just bring a map
[me] a map to my penis?
[cash] a map of the world, with your penis outlined

[anon] i don't like it when the girl just lies there
[anon2] huh?
[anon2] you actually talk to em?
[anon] well, i want them to react when the donkey punch comes

Jacky: "Why?"
Cash: "Because I am racist against Chinese people."
Jacky: "I have never seen any evidence of that."
Cash: "For example, I do not like you."
Jacky: "Why are you racist against Chinese people?"
Cash: "Because I'm angry that General Tso outranks Colonel Sanders."
Jacky: "There's no General Tso's Chicken in China. That's an American dish."
Cash: "That's false; I often have it in Chinese restaurants."
Jacky: "But we don't call it General Tso's Chicken."
Cash: "Another reason I don't like the Chinese: they are deceptive."

[alex] i'm thinking about being mj for halloween
[mj] you better smear some rogaine on that babyface of yours if you want to be me
[alex] I got that covered
[alex] gunna glue a cat to my face

[cash] so he says, well, we're going to have the XXXX team do a lot of this shitwork [so you don't have to]
[cash] and i say, well, sparky, the last two projects XXXX did were complete shit from shitville, so I'm not thrilled at that decision

[cash] CNN projects Obama wins New Jersey, Illinois, Connecticut; McCain takes South Carolina, Oklahoma, Tennessee
[cash] CNN projects sun rises, sets

Kim, upon seeing me for the first time in weeks: "You are such a smart-ass."
Me, gleefully: "I know."

"I get raped." -- Kim

"You are such a shit-disturber. I love it." -- Kamil

[me] oh
[me] hah
[me] hmm
[me] nvm
[me] lol

Seller: "HD-DVD blowout. Best offer by EOD today gets them all. Bidding starts at $2."
Moron 1: "I'll give you $3 for Last Samurai."
Seller, being gracious: "CLARIFICATION: I will not be selling these individually. It's all or nothing."
Moron 2: "$5 for Hustle and Flow."

"I lived in the international dorm at school. What I remember about the exchange students was them all getting raging drunk and everybody fucking everybody else (me not included, though, since I was actually pursuing a real degree and had to like, study and stuff. Also I hate people.)" -- Damien

[damien] Dan: I was 5'3" until I was about 23 so I understand your pain
[me] what happened to you when you were 23, damien?
[damien] I grew four inches in three years
[cash] he had his legs installed.

[me] that's pretty weird
[cash] i think that may not be growth
[cash] that may be radiation
[me] right
[cash] did you get super powers?
[damien] Well, I stopped growing, and as far as I know I can't shoot magnetic lasers from my nose or control the color purple

[me] LISP 4 EVER
[damien] ((((((((((((((((((O)(RLY)))))?))))))))))

Jeff: "How far away is IND1 from IND2?"
Cash: "Well, Lian said that IND1 is 30 minutes from her hotel, and IND2 is 40 minutes from her hotel, so by the triangle inequality ..."
Jeff: "Does anybody appreciate you as much as you do, Cash?"
Cash: "I keep hoping."

"Stop thinking you're smarter than me, Firefox. Almost nobody is." -- Cash

"I get much better results by starting quickly and then slowing down a bit. Otherwise I am likely to overwhip." -- Cash

Presenter: "What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?"
Contestant: "I don't know, I wasn't watching it then."

[me] i'd freak out too if Matt Daemon was causing problems
[cash] you are affleckted with a case of acute punnery

[cash] god, i'd fuck a specialty's bag with mustard spilled inside

Sarah L.: "As he said, he wasn't taught to avoid people of other races, just to not be socially or romantically involved with them. That leaves what?"
Me: "Marriage."

"Unless you have half a dozen very hard rectangular breasts, we need to talk." -- Barry

John: "Thanks. I cleared my private data and now it's back to normal."
Me: "That sounds like something you should keep between yourself and your proctologist."