Jan - Dec 2007 Oldproj

"You've really outdone yourself this time. I've heard (and told) some awful puns, but that one takes the cake. I hereby dub you Dan 'Cake-Stealer' Grossman." -- Dave W.

Me: "So what exactly happened to your pants?"
Adam G.: "If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me that ..."

"This is the best code review I've seen this week!" -- Mike Lanzetta, @ 11:32 Monday morning

Me, driving: "I'm going to slow down. I wouldn't want to break any more of your appendages."
Girl 1: "Oh, I've already broken just about every part of my body."
Girl 2: "Except your hymen."

Jim L., explaining a Seattle Dept of Health restaurant closure notice: "Potentially hazardous foods at unsafe temperatures = Basically this could be soup that's too hot."
Chris C.: "Or not hot enough."
James P.: "Right, there are any number of places where they don't even heat the gazpacho at all ..."

"I sit right behind the elevator motor for [building]. ALL DAY LONG thrum blonk slam whirr grnnnnnnnnd thweek harrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg. It's like listening to a technical program manager explaining something, but it's more articulate." -- Steve M.

Lindsey D.: "I'd say it's a good place to take kids, but not a date."
Me: "So that's something of a dilemma for NAMBLA folks, I suppose."

Me, to employee in elevator at 3pm: "You wouldn't be taking off early, would you?"
Employee: "No, just stepping out real quick with all my stuff."

"I actually have a holster on the inside of my left thigh." -- me

"It's just a matter of time before that psycho wakes up and thinks, 'Oh, hey, I think I'm going to go pick up some women at the local college, dismember them and put them back together in the shape of a bloody pile of human corpses.'" -- Adam, re: Jon Beinart

"In other words, their fans won't be disappointed, and detractors won't be able to control their spinning eyeballs ..." -- from allmusic.com's review of Rhapsody (of Fire)'s latest album, Triumph or Agony

"I'm 100% behind you. Except for my ass, which sticks out a bit at the sides." -- me

"My father was killed by ninjas. Need money for karate lessons." -- panhandler's sign

"Best places to catch crabs" -- subject line of a company chatter mailing list message

Steve H., complaining about a buggy system which I've never had problems with: "As soon as you start using the Forward and Back buttons ..."
Me: "Oh, yeah ... I didn't try any of those 'advanced features'."

"This is Cherry Street. Sort of." -- bus driver, after weaving across lanes of traffic to avoid an ambulance and the other cars also avoiding the ambulance

"Either you're a fucking moron, or I need to get a new job. And I'm not getting a new job." -- Dilip K.

"No one's ever sent me a smilies for-loop before." -- Rebecca K.

"Your grandma's clearly got her spanking work cut out for her." -- James W.

"Sweet! Who knew brunch would be the reward for killing your god!" -- me, responding to an Easter brunch invitation

Me: "And I'd get to schmooze with those fun business folks over there."
Dilip: "Yeah, I'm not sure that would help."
Me: "It surely won't help them!"

"My real patient is dying -- very quickly. Like I wouldn't advise her to buy any green bananas." -- House

Arjun S.: "On the 10th floor break room, there is a blue dot sticker on one of the windows. Any idea what this is for?"
Chris C.: "Warning: window."

"I'm sorry about your missing parenthesis. I hope you find it soon." -- Steve H.

"Anything less than 100 is zero." -- Dilip

"Anything green and man-related should go directly through my hands." -- Adam

"I'm of the opinion that fetuses are humans. That gives me so many more options than other guys." -- me

"I sure as heck don't want to see my own blood, but it always gets my attention in a hurry." -- Kent R.

"Take up astrology, or astrophysics, ... or cheese!" -- Alma Rubenstein, encouraging people to become more interesting

Jason: "I hate [that kickball ump] so much I'm going to slash her tires."
Me: "I'm going to slash her jugulars."
Jeremy: "I like the way you think!"
Chrissy Graham: "What did you just say?"
Me: "Oh ... nothing. It was dirty."
Jason: "It wasn't so much dirty as it was ... totally awesome."

"We have no reason to believe that anyone would want to ruin the excitement for Harry Potter fans, and if such a thing were to happen, we believe that the public would make their feelings known by not buying it from and boycotting such a spoilsport retailer. Millions of Harry Potter fans would revile such commercial opportunism or inefficiency." -- from a Bloomsbury response to a BBC article re: retailers selling copies of Harry Potter 7 before 7/21/2007

"I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night with a SEV-Steve." -- me

"Short people of the world, stand tall!" -- me

Marco D., quoting an article about FOX refusing to air a condom advert: "Fox said it objected to the message that condoms can prevent pregnancy."
Fio C.: "At least in this camp, Italians are far ahead [of] anyone else."
Me: "Indeed ... Italian men are a form of contraceptive all by themselves!"

"Any film based in Wisconsin is worth [watching]." -- movie watcher

"Transportation is testing out our new railgun OSFDMPFC (outer space forward deployed multi-purpose fulfillment center)." -- Mike Leary

Adam P.: "We should implement a new Heisenberg tracking system that either tells you an estimated delivery date or where your package is, but not both."
Steve M.: "I think we are already doing this."

Damien K.: "Yes, but the cat can also be simultaneously peeing in your shoes and tearing up your couch."
Steve M: "That's my cat!"

Osvaldo: "This does not affect anybody's ability to log in remotely."
Me: "Except in the sense that ... you can't ... log in ... remotely. But aside from that, remote login will work fine."

"The Left Click - Your Greatest Weapon" -- from a computer game manual

"Here's what I sent to Jane about her curves." -- Jimmy P., forwarding an email about forecasting numbers

Jongu S.: "Hi, I am looking for a good Seafood and/or other restaurant to go tomorrow lunchtime with my hopely-girlfriend. Near Macy's would be good ..."
Michael J.: "The fish fillet at the McDonalds on Pine is EXCELLENT. I usually like to take the ladies there to let them know I'm a real 'dollar menunaire'."

"I used to be a model and people would tell me I was beautiful all the time, but it just didn't register. ... That was when I had all my teeth, and I was in my 20s." -- ghastly looking 40-something woman on the bus

Hypothetical patent lawyer: "Is this a secure line?"
Hypothetical me: "Yes, it's a secure line ... on a speaker phone ... in Central Park."

Me, on first base in a kickball game: "I don't really wanna slide."
Opposing team's first basewoman: "That's why some people like to just drop to their knees."
Me, no pun intended: "Well ... I don't have a lot of experience with that."
First basewoman, suddenly offended and angry: "Well neither do I!"

"I had not read the other six, so I don't know what was happening. But I feel safe saying that it has wizards in it." -- guy selling half-read copy of Harry Potter 7

"In the past two or three days, the smell in our kitchen has been very, very bad. The suspect is one of the freezers, specifically the one ... on the right side. We're all afraid to open it, but something very nasty must have died inside. I'm not sure what the proper channels are for an issue like this, but I was hoping you guys could call in a hazmat team to take care of the problem. I suggest napalm. Lots and lots of napalm." -- Adam G.

Me: "So I stole your Cthulhu."
Adam: "But he'll eat your soul, so it's ok."

Perry B.: "My brother is coming into town next week and he expresses interest in seeing whales. He called out specifically he did not want to go on a boat but rather go somewhere where he can see them from shore."
Me: "3rd & Pike?"

IT BOASTS OF 9" CEILINGS -- condo listing on MLS

"No matter how much I like coffee, I shouldn't breathe it." -- Mike Lanzetta, coughing

Me, switching seats: "I'll be Dilip."
Steve H., switching to my seat, and slinking really low down in the seat: "I'll be Dan!"
Me: "I don't slouch that far down."
Steve: "No, you're just really short."

"What are they gonna do if I'm late for my exit interview? Fire me?" -- Mike

"Oh wow. This movie sucks so hard. I had to turn it off after 15 mins. [It's] so bad, [it's] like being punched in the soul." -- review of Bloodrayne II

Adam, describing someone whose name he'd forgotten: "Dark hair. Tanned."
Me: "LOL. He's not tanned; he's Indian!"

Me, suggesting a Flag Football team name: "I suggest 'First Down Syndrome' or 'Foot to the Balls'."
Katie Madsen, Underdog Sports Leagues customer service: "Just an FYI. We would not allow the first name suggested."
Me: "But the second one is okay?!"

Shereen: "I think I ate pork."
Me: "How did that happen?!"
Shereen: "By chewing it."

James P.: "I'm finding that the [company] emails are becoming a bit annoying..."
Kevin B.: "So opt out."
James W.: "... Can my obnoxious friend come to your house? He tugs on your sleeve and yammers on about a bunch of irrelevant stuff, but all you have to do is shout at him to shut up, and then it'll be like he isn't there at all."
Chris C.: "Better yet, I have a garden hose."
Shane L.: "In Texas, this would be 'Better yet, I have a gun.'"
Chris: "Garden hose requires less paperwork."
Shane: "Not in Texas."

"... but for some reason I hate little children prancing around in their nightgowns fortelling a gruesome murder with eyes rolled back into their heads." -- Jessie May Frederick

Steve M.: "However, remember what they said to Superman when he tried to fly around the world to reverse time."
Me: "'This is probably gonna chafe a bit.'?"

"I thought you were going to [get] water, and you came back with the DBA." - Nghia

"Can you run this through mom?" -- Jimmy

"That bit where it says 'not confirmed' sounds suspiciously like the opposite of 'confirmed'." -- me