Jan - Dec 2006 Oldproj

Me: "In the Detailed Page Hits table, there are items with fractional page hits."
John M.: "Somebody didn't click very hard."

"There's no automatic CC to me on voice conversations with Bryan." -- Dilip K.

"Occasionally I wish I had a TV so I'd know what people are talking about. This is not one of those occasions." -- me

"I'm a non-profit organization. Just take a look at my bank account!" -- me

"My bus hit a pedestrian on the way to work this morning. It was awesome!" -- me

Vishal: "... where I can find fresh doughnuts near the US2?"
Me: "Presumably there are several dozen at the police headquarters at 5th & Columbia."

Dr. Hedrick: "Clearly I'm pushing some buttons here."
Dr. Cox: "You couldn't push my buttons if you tried. In fact, I have no buttons. Please think of me as buttoned-less -- all smooth, like G.I. Joe's nether regions. And, by the by, this image is brought to you by my son Jack, who has been yanking the pants off of his toy soldiers and leaving them in provocative positions on my nightstand. It is just disturbing enough so that leaving the house, I'm cranky, unless able to suffer fools ... which brings me back to you. The Fool. I'm done suffering you. So go now. Go, go before you can write a book entitled 'Help! A Large Doctor is Beating My Ass (colon) The Lester Hedrick Story'."

"Aw man, would love to do a Monday jam but I'm leaving town today. I'll see if I can do some parkour on the airplane." -- Jeremy (aka Raindog)

"Well, we're very strong on the not dying while doing Parkour ..." -- Chris (aka megumegu)

Poster to company for-sale list: "For Sale: Huggies Supreme Mega (64 ct): Size 2 (12-18 lb)"
Me: "Is the 12-18 lbs. referring to the weight of the baby or to the maximum capacity of the diaper?"
Poster: "The former. If you need the latter, look into Depends."
Me: "Well, I might 'investigate' Depends, but I'm certainly not going to 'look into' them!!!"

"Speaking of V -- anyone ever see V on tv in the 1980s? Best. Miniseries. Ever. Of course, nothing to do with V for Vendetta -- and everything to do with lizard people taking over the earth." -- Bryan K.

"... and by 'gay' I mean 'gay' ... not 'I fuck other guys'." -- me

"A9 [uses] Google, right?" -- Jimmy P.

"I wonder how many times you'll have to 0-click to log in." -- me

"Gotta give the guy some credit. I couldn't even read through 3/4 of the mindless drivel on that page, so imagine the intellect required to write it!" -- me, regarding makeyourownsoftware.com

Perry B.: "Why is it ... companies with the longest hold times to talk with someone have the WORST hold music?"
Me: "Occasionally I'll get amazing hold music (Vivaldi cowbell concerto #3, for example), and then I'm actually disappointed when the CS person picks up."

"I like that I can access my [wireless] network whilst sitting in Uptown Espresso. That way if one of the whackos who assaults the shop daily ever makes it in as far as their router, I can continue computing in peace." -- me

"Honestly, the sight of the #74 careening off Sandpoint Way into the lake (and not stopping until Kirkland) is perhaps the funniest thing I've ever seen. (I make a point of no longer riding the #74.)" -- me

"I used to see lots of weird things happen to my Amazon account before I realized that surfing the internet with JavaScript active is a bad idea." -- me

Me: "... it used to be that the cacao/feline references didn't appear until the thread had already deteriorated for one reason or another. But now they seem to spawn whenever and wherever they want. Hmph."
Josh S.: "Iconoclast."
Me: "Icocoaclast, you mean."

Alexy K., re the reaction to Ken Lay's death: "Isn't there a saying, that you either say good things about the dead, or nothing at all (at least for a while)?"
Me: "I think it's, 'You either say good things about the dead, or nothing at all (because you're out of breath from laughing so hard)'."

"I tried Outlook for the first two weeks I was here. I found it laughable that I had to use my mouse to read my email." -- me

"Oh ... fartsticks. My bad. I am a silly goose." -- me, after accidentally replying-to-all

"I've tried restarting my phone. I've also tried disconnecting it. Neither approach worked. Since my next idea involves a 5-iron, I figured I'd ask for help first." -- me, trying to fix my Polycom VoIP phone

Michael B.: "IIRC, kids under a certain age can be included on their mother's passport."
Me: "That age being 0."

"What happened to keeping one's pet indoors if you can't control where it goes when it's outside? Is it your neighbor's fault if your cat decides to roost in their wood chipper?" -- me

"I hesitate to send you a serious response about anything, but ..." -- Rebecca K.

Yuri W.: "Most landlords don't care [about lousy tenants], and take measures to make it difficult for neighbors to contact them."
Me: "You could set fire to their house. The owner would likely drop by for that, and then you could have a chat."

Me: "Don't you want to know how they document things in my ass?"
Mike L.: "I assume it's some sort of Wiki."

Me: "Yeah, Mike, next time you force me to click on something, could you please avoid the cattle prod? It's pretty painful."
Mike: "Take it like a man."
Me: "Oh, I have no problem taking it like a man. I just want to avoid taking it like a homosexual man."

Perry B.: "Hello I'm looking for an argument."
Nikita S.: "No you aren't!"

"You don't need the Unbox player to play the videos. WMP and Media Center play them just fine." -- Andrew L., apparently not trying to be funny

"They don't call me pHo 'Firehose' McNugget for nothing." -- pHo

"Of course, if someone did turn [Windows] Messenger off ... how could you tell?" -- Bill W.

"If it's wet and it's not yours, don't touch it."

"You guys have all sorts of cool hospitals around here where they fix stuff like that."

"If you've got a 10-foot belt, you've got other issues."

"If the hand is dripping into the test tube, that means the truck is upside-down."

"Now ... if his heart falls out, that makes CPR much easier."

"That's a massage, which I'm sure they'd appreciate if they were alive."

"Don't mess with [the umbilical cord] -- don't try to top the baby off."

Paul: "Now what kind of personal protective gear do you think you'll need to deliver a baby?"
Me: "A biohazard suit?"

Me: "Yeah, but I don't wanna eat pizza. It'll kill me."
Steve H.: "Not if you do it just once."
Me: "Pizza is a gateway food!"

Me: "So you're not going to have any fun this quarter?"
Elisabeth Olson: "Yes, but only in short bursts."
Me: "I can give you short bursts of fun."
Elisabeth: [laughs]

Me: "I see [this file] deleted but not added anywhere new. Is that on purpose?"
Mike: "Nope, that's what's known among us software professionals as a 'mistake'."

"Finnish newspaper reports [claimed] scientists drilling at the Kola Peninsula, USSR, had broken through to hell." -- en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Well_to_hell_hoax

"She's cute ... although I gather you like your girls thin." -- Shereen Alibhai, trying to set me up with someone

"Crashing was much easier than orbiting, [the mission controllers] discovered." -- "Crash Landing on the Moon", Science@NASA, 2006/07/28

Mike, regarding the new Brazil workspace CLI: "But the people of the world are much safer now."
Me: "Not from my methane emissions!"

"IT'S JUST EASIER CUZ ALL MY WORK IS DONE IN CAPS. (I PROMISE I AM NOT YELLING AT YOU)" -- Shereen

Peter Sagal: "... for the Remember Ring, which, as Tom tried to tell you, heats up to let you know your anniversary is on the way."
Tom Bodett: "The problem with these rings is they're not returnable; if you want to get rid of it you have to take three Hobbits to Mordor and toss it into the mountain of Doom."

"Unpacking, carrying, and installing requires two or more people." -- warning message inside the package containing my plasma TV

Employee #1: "Looks like the bottom left link of the 'See All 35 Product Categories' fly-out is to your own profile. From there, you can search 'People'."
Employee #2: "Or choose 'Your Profile' from the 'See All 35 Product Categories' fly-out. It's the bottom left option."
Me: "?"
Adam G.: "See, this goes along with my theory of 'Everyone is a moron ... seriously.'"

"I prefer the really hairy ones." -- Shereen

"Is there a [xxxxx] account number so when I call them they know I'm at [xxxxx] and not some punk kid?" -- Steve, regarding calling MATLAB customer service

"I'd appreciate it if everyone can fill in what they're currently working on before the Wednesday project meeting. Dilip and Bryan are exempt since we all know that they are not doing any real work." -- Jimmy

"Bob is like Windows -- always try a reboot first." -- Mike

"And by 'great idea', I mean 'that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of'." -- me

"I don't need rollerskates; I just need naked women." -- me

Jeevan: "Are you an actor?"
Me: "No. I just pretend to be one."

Chris C.: "How many people sell apples? How many people sell PS3s?"
Sid S.: "That's like comparing apples and PS3s."

"Are you trying to entice him into your pants?" -- Rebecca

"Demonic possession is not a valid psychiatric or medical diagnosis recognized by either the DSM-IV or the ICD-10." -- Wikipedia article on demonic possession

Adam, discussing his Thanksgiving weekend: "I took a walk; froze my butt off."
Me: "But not like Detroit?"
Adam: "No, I didn't get shot."