August 2004 - 2005 Oldproj

Joan, angrily: "I'm going to count to 10."
God, as an 8-year-old girl: "Good luck with that."

"Secret Service!" -- bizarrely chipper female phone receptionist at the Seattle office of the Secret Service

Woman at Driver Licensing office: "Did you bring your old license with you?"
Me, checking my wallet: "I hope so -- I drove here."

Photographer at Driver Licensing office: "Look at my basket of bunnies!"
Me: [breaks out in unavoidable grin]
Photographer: "Nobody can help smiling when they see that."
Me, whispering: "Well, actually, I lied over at the vision testing station. I can't see a thing."
Photographer, checking out my info: "That's fine; you don't live anywhere near me!"

Lloyd Bonafide: "What are you using the toilet paper for?"
Caller to The Phil Hendrie Show: "When we go to the bathroom ... we can't use newspaper because it stops up the toilet."

"That's where the philosophy part comes in. If she was bothered by looks, she wouldn't be marrying me." -- Indian Car Talk caller

"... quite simply as good as progressive jazz infused death metal can get ..." -- review on digitalmetal.com

"Vaginas are like buses, Juan. You know if you miss one, there'll be another one along in ten minutes." -- Tom Leykis

God, handing Joan a dollar bill: "Here ... what does it say?"
Joan, acerbically: "... in You we trust."

Female Tom Leykis Show caller, on the defensive: "I make my living from my looks."
Tom: "What ... Ringling Brothers?"

Cassie (with sincerity): "Thanks, y'know ... for electrocuting me."
Thelma: "Any time."

"Unlike most love stories, however, this ending involves satellites." -- Popular Science, 11/2004

Dean Wheeler, on The Phil Hendrie Show: "Did you ever see Road Warrior with, uh ... with Clint Eastwood?"
Female caller, dismissively: "Yes, now let's talk about ..."
Dean: "What level education do you have?"
Caller: "High."
Dean: "Well ... higher than the 11th grade, or ...?"
Phil Hendrie: "Why does it matter?"
Dean: "I just want to know if she's qualified to have this conversation."
Caller: "I'm retired law enforcement, so yes."

Tom Leykis caller: "Would the love scene in Team America count as skin, or just wood?"
Mr. Skin: "Yeah, you'd definitely get wood in that scene. ... We don't currently include puppet poon-tang at MrSkin.com. We may have to start that section in the future."

"Daniel Pearl was a guy who got into a very difficult position and lost his head." -- Doug Dannger (a gay man and a gay journalist), The Phil Hendrie Show, 11/11/04

"See ... I'm gay ... I can make a joke about a guy getting his head cut off because I've been there." -- ibid.

"He didn't mind a painful death, so long as it was slow. 'Cancer would be fine,' he said. '[He'd] take cancer.' ... When's the last time you heard someone say that?" -- Act 2, This American Life, 11/12/04 ("Crime Scenes and the Stories They Tell")

Mom in computer advert: "It won't overload, will it?"
Kid in computer advert: "No way, Mom. It's got 200 Gigabytes!"

"If you're concerned with the welfare of farm animals, stop eating them!" -- KUOW's Conversation listener

"Now you can buy like the dealers ... at this Saturday's gigantic Drug Seizure Auction!" -- radio ad

Luke Girardi: "And you like them?"
Freedman: "Like them? They're bar mitzvah presents. Nobody likes them, they simply exist. Like Stonehenge."

"I may be a sad, little man, but at least I have a clean toilet." -- Ted Bell, on The Phil Hendrie Show

"Over-stuffed dryers are like well-stuffed turkeys -- moist on the inside!" -- Hogan's Corner laundromat marquee

"But prosecutor John Weld says Trant is one of the most cold-blooded criminals he has encountered. If Trant had not been arrested, Weld said, the native of Cambridge, Mass., probably would have killed someone convicted of a sex crime against children." -- "Crusader gets jail term", Boston Globe, 12/05/2004 ... (yeah, that's so cold-blooded ...)

Phil Hendrie: "I thought you were on hold!"
Lloyd Bonafide: "I fought my way out of hold! That's the kind of soldier I am!!"

Strangers, to pregnant couple: "What are you having?"
NPR reporter husband: "Some kind of mammal, we're almost sure."

"Oh, now I understand why this person is impossible to understand ... it's Danny Glover." -- Me

Dragon: "Two questions you can ask of me, wizard, and two only."
Ged: "Isn't it usually three?"
Dragon: "Correct. But with that you're back to two. [laughs]"

"The problem is that some of it is so goofy, in particular the sub-plot about the loan shark and the old spies, that it seems to be part of another movie. The other movie is good, it just doesn't fully mesh with the one we're watching." -- an IMDb reviewer, reviewing Spygirl

Caller: "How are you, dude?"
Tom Leykis: "Do you care?"
Caller, non-sequituring: "Not about fat chicks."

Adam Felber, competing on Wait Wait -- Don't Tell Me: "Christmas trees."
Peter Sagal, moderating: "Close -- turkey dung."

"I knew 'turkey dung'. I did." -- Roy Blount, Jr.

"The British DVD is nicely presented and contains nearly an hour of deleted scenes, with director's commentary. These are all very boring too." -- IMDb review of The Warrior

"Lugaru (pronounced Loo-GAH-roo) is a third-person action title. The main character, Turner, is an anthropomorphic rebel bunny rabbit with impressive combat skills." -- game overview for Lugaru

Tom Leykis: "Everybody on the phone is 'really hot'."
Female caller: "Uh ... no, I never said that either."
Tom: "Oh, so you're not really hot."
Caller: "But I am a head turner."
Tom: "A head turner ... well, that could mean anything. You could have one eye. ... You could have lobster claws for hands!"
Caller: "No, I do not have that."
Tom: "You could be the Bearded Lady."
Caller: "No, I do not have that -- I shave every day."

Cassandra: "There's only one reason Christian girls come down to the Planned Parenthood."
Roland: "She's planting a pipe bomb?"
Cassandra: "Okay, two reasons."

Allison Dubois: "I just had the weirdest dream."
Joe Dubois: "'course you did ... it's a day that ends in 'y'."

"Murder is a tricky subject, especially when you kill someone on purpose." -- KISW disc jockey

"Dry cleaning mostly $2.99 per item. Mostly." -- Hogan's Corner laundromat marquee

"... just having a little fun -- best way to open doors." -- Fat Black Female Janitor God, opening a door for Joan on Joan of Arcadia

If you were drowning and I threw you a life jacket, would you take it?
Yes.
Good! Buy two hundred shares; I won't let you down.
      -- Ben Affleck, in The Boiler Room

"Not to be used as a flotation device." -- Taco Bell "Border Sauce" packet

"She was pretty upset about it. It's one thing to have people looking at your sex tapes, but having people reading your personal e-mails is a real invasion of privacy." -- source close to Paris Hilton, regarding her Blackberry being hacked, after her T-Mobile Sidekick was hacked on 2/19/05 (according to MSNBC)

"And I don't smoke hashish; there are many ways to get it in." -- ancient woman Leykis caller with heavy accent

"The man page is longer than the program." -- from the BUGS section of the man page for /usr/bin/cryptdir

"Lexy is clearly a liar, and an opportunist, and a big no-uterus-having crybaby ..." -- Jack, on Tru Calling

"I love this moment so much I want to have sex with it." -- Dr. Cox, on Scrubs

"By the by, this moment is so great, I'd cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one, and raise a family of tiny little moments." -- ibid.

Tom Leykis caller: "Nate, be honest, does she have boobie-do?"
Nate: "I don't know what that is."
Caller: "It's where her stomach sticks out farther than her boobies do."

"Come on, you plastic non-commissioned little bastard." -- Allison Dubois, trying to get a psychic reading from an uncooperative toy soldier, on Medium

"So Tacoma's just turned into a giant pile of crap right now." -- traffic reporter on KQBZ

Jon Stewart (The Daily Show, 3/24/05): "But, of course, the preponderance of religious figures on the air did give rise to one of the most unexpected comments ever heard on American television, courtesy of our good friend Pat Buchanan ..."
Clip of Pat Buchanan: "--It's my turn to speak! Look, the rabbi's exactly right ..."

"Nuke a godless communist gay baby seal for Christ." -- seen on a t-shirt

"You can keep trying to mate a turkey and a goat all day ... you're never going to get babies." -- Tom Leykis

"She was the inspiration for the Hum-Vee." -- Miles from The Men's Room, re Barbara Bush's present physique

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)
There is no medical proof that chemical castration helps to prevent serial double-parking, but where you're concerned, the traffic court isn't taking any chances. -- The Onion horoscopes, 20 Apr 2005

"When the next choice was 911 ... or, y'know, the morgue ..." -- Tom Leykis, regarding the rhetorical woman who finally leaves an abusive relationship

"You know who your boys are ... and it's not girls." -- Tom Leykis

"Schick Shadel ... give them ten days, and they'll give you back YOUR MOM." -- annoying Schick Shadel commercial

"Great! Now I can tell my friends that someone said I look good for a 50-year-old." -- Me (age 26)

Ice Cube, re XXX 2: "I'm doing like 80, 90% of the stunts in there."
Jon Stewart: "Now this seems like something you might want to address in your contract next time, because these look like dangerous stunts."
Ice Cube: "They are, y'know ... especially when you have to do 'em."

MY OTHER JAG BLEW UP -- license plate rim of a really beat-up Jaguar

"I've been involved in a group teleport. It was weird." -- overheard geek friend of geek housemate, discussing (what else?) role-playing games ...

George, in The Last Casino: "We can tape some of the money to our body, and hide some of it in our orifice."
Elyse, scoffing: "K, I don't know how large you think my vagina is, but we ain't gettin' more than a couple Loonies in there."

Field Reporter, in Night of the Living Dead: "Are they slow-moving, chief?"
Sheriff McClelland: "Yeah, they're dead. They're all messed up."

"Republicans for Voldemort" -- seen on a bumper sticker

"Sorry, I was avoiding you. I feel really uncomfortable being around you when I'm not present. I'll be there next time I'm present." -- Zasha

"No trees were harmed in the posting of this message. However, a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced." -- seen on an online forum

"Oh yeah, speaking of anal rape ... " -- Zasha

Q: What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
A: Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon. Michael Jackson has sex with little boys.

Camouflage condoms ... so they'll never see you coming.

"If these aren't my hands, then I've been getting a lot more sex than I thought." -- Me

Sleepy Loveline caller: "Sorry, it's like two in the morning in Kentucky."
Adam Carolla: "Yeah ... it's also 1961."

"Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be." -- Mark Twain

"I'm nobody's puppet!" -- Dominar Rygel XVI (a puppet), Farscape S02E18

"Drew, you have no instincts. You make a great doctor, but you'd be a horrible raccoon." -- Adam Carolla, on Loveline

  "I guess this means we've won the war on terror," said one exasperated FBI agent, speaking on the condition of anonymity because poking fun at headquarters is not regarded as career-enhancing. "We must not need any more resources for espionage."

"Note: Comcast's about as smart as a 5-month-old who's gone through Sudden Infant Death Syndrome." -- Me

"Think of the impact we can make." -- from a Seattle radio PSA for driver-pedestrian awareness

"I was thinking with 'small brain' instead of 'little brain'." -- Tom Leykis caller

"The code review request was successfully sent. Now just sit back and wait for disparaging comments about your beautiful masterpiece." -- from the Perforce Code Reviewer

Apartment manager lady, having just made me sign 20 documents: "I hope your hand isn't too tired."
Me, smiling wryly: "Nah ... I'm a guy."

Joel S., quoting someone: "... potentially involve contract renogitiations ..."
Me: "OMG NO! Not RENOGITIATIONS!!!! Run!!"
Joel: "My cat was renogitiating some grass last night, in the middle of our dining room."

"All dogs will be subject to a pet interview prior to approval." -- from the General Rules & Regulations of my apartment building

"When parents don't wait for their children ... that's when zombies happen." -- Roman K.

"First off, you can always hear yourself unless you're deaf." -- Dilip K., regarding the finer points of conference calling and the mute button

Roman, upon several team members coincidentally being in the bathroom at the same time: "We should hold meetings in here."
Me: "Well, it is a good place to shoot the shit."