January - August 2004 Oldproj

"I have had many cats return to my yard, including dogs." -- random caller on the Robin and Maynard Show

"Still lazy after all these years, office manager Marty Pointer once again contributed nothing to the publication of this calendar." -- Steve Cariddi, The Year in Space 2004 desk calendar

"As someone once said, I can have fun in a box. And Dan has pictures to prove it!" -- Sean

"I'd be happy to take my place as a back row bass and make strange gurgling noises." -- Sean

Me: "How did it taste?"
Laura: "Snowy."
Me: "Snow tastes snowy?"
Laura: "Li'l bit, yeah."

"Fauré is a brilliant and unsung genius." -- an Amazon customer, reviewing ironically

"And two ... if I'm gonna put it in your little region there ... I, uh, don't want to contaminate your region ..." -- Sean

Sean: "Where the hell's my thing?"
Me: "I have one of those too, but it's really long."

Sean, concluding empirically: "So you don't like chicken cutlets."
Laura: "Uh-uh. I like the ... whatever crap [Isaac] made."

"They were like the female version of Shades ... not that Shades was male." -- Sean

"... my fragrant infringement of copyright ..." -- Me, writing an e-mail

"Please spell your own name correctly!" -- Me, commenting on a student's CSE 142 homework submission

"So yesterday I try to hook up my new hard drive to my old monitor, to test my new CD burner. Everything fits okay, except the keyboard plug -- it was too big. I turn the computer on anyway, to try and use the mouse. And what does it say? 'Keyboard not detected ... Press F1 to continue.' I don't know what's funnier... that, or the fact that I ACTUALLY pressed F1 thinking it would do something." -- a friend of Hanif's

"In high school, I came up with the very unpalatable but very useful maxim of life: 'Everybody, not limited to and including everybody ... has had diarrhea.'" -- Hanif, putting it all in perspective

"You look different ... oh wait, it's because you're behind me! I never see the front of your head." -- Me, to Tori Oblad, a soprano, at Chorale retreat

"I'm too lazy to check my mucous." -- Kali Jensen

"I'm sorry ... did I offend you with my zipper comment?" -- Kali, sarcastically

"It's that joyful vomit." -- Dr. Boers

[anonymous woman]: "I don't say 'bang' so much. I say 'fuck'."
Me: "Yeah, fuck's good. I like fuck."

Me: "It's in a very odd place."
Zasha: "That's true; I was drinking it."

Hanif: "Oh. Question ... do you know the term used for medical experiments on live human subjects, i.e. Mengele?"
Hanif: "You know ... besides 'fucked up'?"
Me: "No ..."
Hanif: "Damn it."
Me: "Er, why?"
Hanif: "A friend asked me, and I didn't know there WAS a term, but you tend to be a repository for such errata ... so I figured I'd ask."

Zasha: "The problem with dental work is that it makes eating difficult."
Me: "As does ... uh ... having your hand amputated."
Zasha: "Having your hand amputated also makes masturbation difficult. ... As does having your penis amputated."

"God is my wee wee wee wee judge." -- Me

"Everything wants to be inside me, especially germs." -- Laura

"... cuz lately aqua's been slow as butt ... and a fat person's butt." -- Me, complaining during a 142 staff meeting

"... but what doesn't fade away is that feeling of being fully who you are. Put that on your website." -- Dr. B, inspiring the tenors and basses

"The comment ... reminded me of my trip to Spain, when we watched a bullfight, saw them skin the carcass, then my teacher asked, 'Who wants a hamburger?'" -- Kali

"We couldn't care less if he sees his shadow. It's a people holiday." -- Bill Cooper, president of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, 2/2/2004

Me: "So I forced myself to think lustful thoughts about other women all day long. ... Which wasn't exactly difficult."
Laura: "Were you thinking about me again?"
Me: "Yes, Laura, you were the equivalent of mouthwash in my taste test between Dr. Pepper look-alikes."

Me: "Can I get a pizza that's half Javadoc, half implementation?"
Ethel Evans, pedantically: "Don't you mean half method headers?"
Me: "No."
Ethel, confused: "Why?"
Me, as if it were obvious: "Method headers don't taste good!"

"Well, know you can come to me when your jokes flop with the others." -- Carmen Bleything

Me: "By the way, on the way to the bathroom the other day, I passed Hank Levy on the stairs again. Guess I should have walked more quickly."
Zasha: "Alternately, you could have not bothered leaving your office at all."

Lex: "Last I heard, breaking and entering was still against the law."
Chloe, after a pause: "I could say the same thing to you."
Lex: "Except I own the place."

Zasha: "Then your father is both fruity and loopy."
Me: "Yeah, well, Toucan play at that game."

Me, re Smallville S03E12 : "Holy sweet Christ!"
Shana Hornstein: "Could you be more specific?"

"If you think gay marriage is wrong, I've got the solution for you; it's four words. Are you ready? ... Don't marry a man!" -- Tom Leykis

"It is not as cool as an office hour about obese floating children, but it helps a lot with my math homework." -- Tori

"Bar'ku et adonai hamvorak, foo'!" -- Mr. T, at Krusty's bar mitzvah, on The Simpsons s15e06

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have nobody,
Why does God hate Matt?
    -- seen on a laundromat's marquee

"Literally ... preaching to the choir." -- Dave Morris, in Chorale, upon Dr. B's lamenting over our poor attendance

Dave: "Your mom sings page 90! No, actually, she sings page 69!"
Me: "Yeah, but yo momma so fat, it's more like page 90."

Dr. B, skeptically, to the guest conductor, regarding the sopranos: "Do you like their pitch?"
Guest conductor, hesitantly: "Uh ... yes, I do ... because time's up."

"Anatomical abstractions prevented the couple from ... consummating their relationship." -- from an NPR report on Barbie and Ken, 2/14/04

"... as in real life, death is something you should strive to avoid." -- an online game's strategy guide

"Yeah, I'd rather French kiss a mink to get my food than give it a rim job." -- Me (just ... don't ask)

THIS IS A SIGN
FROM GOD
YOU PEOPLE NEED
TO DO SOME LAUNDRY
  -- laundromat marquee

"I mean, it'd be pretty hard to find a penis in a lake after it got bit off." -- Loveline caller

"It is always a good idea to know what you are doing." -- from a CSE 142 project report

"Don't sweat the petty things, that's what it's all about. ... Or don't pet the sweaty things. It's one of those." -- KISW DJ

Kali: "You should know that I'm domestically challenged."
Me: "That's okay. I'll give you a really big knife; you'll learn quickly from your mistakes."

"The harder you grasp the stick, the less of an explosion you'll get from the balls." -- Me, trying to be as lewd as possible while giving Tori pool tips

Woman caller: "Tom, why do you teach men how to be wimps?"
Tom Leykis: "I don't teach them how to be wimps; I teach them how to stand up and have balls."
Woman: "But you teach them to be cheap -- what's that about?"
Tom: "Why should we give you our money?"
Woman, taken aback: "Well ... if you want to get a piece, then it's kind of--"
Tom: "All right, well, dear, you know what, if I'm going to buy a piece of ass, I'm going to find a professional."
Woman, not seeing the irony: "You wouldn't mind sleeping with a prostitute?"
Tom: "Dear, you're a prostitute! What's the difference?! ... The difference is you wouldn't leave when you're done!"

"If the cosine is bigger than one ... that's a problem." -- Noah Snavely

"WARNING! Despite enhanced spectator shielding measures, pucks may still fly into the spectator area. Serious injury can occur. Stay alert at all times including during warmup and after play stops. If struck, immediately ask usher for directions to medical station." -- disclaimer on my tickets to Dream Theater's 3/2/04 concert at the Moore

Barry Nolan, on Says You: "What language dictionary was that in?"
Richard Sher: "It was Webster's Collegiate Edition --"
Barry: "-- for young Venutians?!"

"... [every time] that we try to compile it, this error message keeps pooping up: ..." -- student posting on the CSE 142 discussion board

"You move out of my way, or I will make you move out of my way." -- Sydney Bristow, Alias s01e16

"Yeah ... I'll break into the Vatican with you." -- Vaughn, smiling, ibid.

"That's a good enough reason to legalize gay marriage -- so we can watch gay divorce court on TV." -- Tom Leykis

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Adam: "Hey, Renee ... are you hot?"
Renee: "Yeah, I'm all right. 5 foot ... brown hair ... the usual."
Adam, sarcastically: "Wow, that sounds hot! 5 foot ... brown hair ... That's like someone asking me if I'm hot ... yeah ... I've got two arms and a scrotum ... two nostrils ..."

"It'll feel better once it stops hurting." -- Mr. Hell

"Closure is a power ballad that arm-wrestles between power and ballad with no clear winner, save for the listener." -- from AMG's review of Chevelle's album Wonder What's Next

"Sorry ... it was my cell phone." -- random guy driving out of the Red Square parking garage after our Friday Faure/Bernstein concert

"The combatant must be clean and must have a nice appearance. Only the officials are entitled to decide whether each combatant['s] physical characteristic[s], excessive hairiness, [or nail length] present a danger to the combatants' safety." -- from the International Union of Pankration's "Traditional Pankration" rules description

Dr. Drew, incredulous: "What?!"
Adam, didactically: "All right, Drew."
Dr. Drew: "What?!?"
Adam, continuing: "Don't play stupid. Nude housekeeping."
Dr. Drew, completely incapable of understanding the concept: "What?!?!?!"

MEAT SALES
THIS EXIT

"If you have a spatula up your ass and you fart ... is that 'spatulence'?" -- Me

"They know where I live ..." -- Jessica, re: her roommates

"Uuuaaoouuhhhh ... I wore a bra for the first time ..." -- Ashley Miller, pulling at her upper torso in a sort of mild agony

"Don't keep bringing that up ... it only serves to sway [the listeners] and obfuscate my argument." -- "guest" on The Phil Hendrie Show

"No ... I don't really find that I use 'underpants' too often." -- KUOW caller

"'Coral' ... that's gay for 'orange'." -- Adam Carolla

"Yup, the whole shebang (and not the way William Hung used the term on American Idol)." -- from the CSE142 discussion board

"I can't tune in my assingtment. The massage said as following." -- ibid.

"I'm having trouble finding the local whore house. Could you please give me erections?" -- Me

"Not too close ... I cheated at the DMV." -- seen on a license plate rim

GIRLIES SCREAM WHEN WE SHOW THEM OUR HUGE SAVINGS -- Hogan's Corner laundromat marquee

"We so need a secret lair." -- Davis, on Tru Calling

"I have you in my hand." -- phone answerer at Jillian's, re: my lost driver's license

Tru, entering the crypt: "Davis?"
Jack: "Sorry if I got your hopes up. I just came by to give my two week notice."
Tru: "Don't bother. Davis took you off payroll once we realized you were Death."

Sam Lowry: "I've killed you. Jill Layton is dead."
Jill: "Care for a little necrophilia?"

"No, baby, don't take a shower. In fact, die." -- Andy Richter, on Loveline, re: how "ripe" he likes his women to taste

"Sick sick sick. Times like this make me so proud to know you." -- Laura Turner

"... and Day After Tomorrow was yesterday." -- Me

"They're all such dirty old men -- it was great!" -- Carmen

"Are you preemptively removing the fire-thingy?" -- Zasha

"Yeah, well I do complain about walking that three-block 'Ravenna Death Corridor'." -- Seth Bridges

"I hate it when my dictionary falls out of my pencils." -- Jessica

WE EXTRACT ALL DIRT IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE GENEVA CONVENTION -- Hogan's Corner laundromat marquee

"But our loss and total incompetence is your gain!" -- mock furniture store commercial (really an ad for Geico)

"Deep breath in ... in ... in ... and now ... ouuuuut ... releasing ... all ... of the air ... that used to be in your lungs." -- Adam Carolla, playing the Overstated Relaxation Therapist

"92% of women are unhappy with the way they look. That is good news for men. We need to get the other 8% under the tent." -- Tom Leykis

"Yeah, he's either a woman or he's really, really old!" -- Me, regarding a student's 1600s-esque signature on his CSE142 exam

Claire: "Actually that's how I brush my teeth every day--"
Me: "Through your blowhole?"

Adam Carolla: "What does your dad do?"
Female Loveline caller: "He's dead."
Adam: "... What did he do?"
Caller: "He was an alcoholic."

BREAST PUMP RENTALS -- pharmacy sign in Tangletown

"Michael Moore is the only person who's made more money off the Iraq war than Haliburton." -- Phil Hendrie

"Pictures do not do her justice." -- a radio ad quote apparently meant as a positive remark about eHarmony.com

"Genesis 1:31, version Sandra: And on the fifth day, God created Java, and he saw that it was good. And on the sixth day, God executed his code, and his program crashed. And that was bad." -- Sandra Fan, editorializing

"If you go to an AA meeting and you say you're an atheist, they say, 'Well, your higher power can be a doorknob!' ... I don't believe in doorknobs. I have doorknobs in my home; I just don't worship them." -- Tom Leykis, doing a segment of "Ask the Atheist"

"You're still wearing too much clothing." -- anonymous