January - December 2003 Oldproj

<ArchAngelicus> [Not] an illegal hard drive?
<me> yeah ... it can't be stolen!
<ArchAngelicus> Oh.
<ArchAngelicus> Shit.
<ArchAngelicus> that may be harder.

Me: "Dude, we haven't even seen him die yet!"
Laura: "I know! And I miss him already!"

"You're going to skinny to death." -- Laura

Me: "Why are you looking in my ear canal?"
Laura: "Because ... it's what I do ..."

Laura: "I got [my new scarf] at J. Crew."
Me: "Who's J. Crew? ... Look! It was 'Knit By Hans'!"
Laura: [looks askance]
Me: "Oh ..."
Laura: "Um, 'Knit By Hand'?"
Me: "Yeah ..."

"Dan ... be an engineer, not a statistician! Make the numbers cry for you!" -- Jayant

"USE BY 10/26/99" -- found on a sealed product in the 233 fridge on 1/27/03

<melams> ok i ve spoken to ppl with shotty english before
<melams> nothin new for me
<me> like Americans?
<melams> especially ppl who go to that shanty school in washington state

"I don't do cornfields." -- Laura

"Hey. I wrote a poem about ramen noodles. Though now that I think about it, it was really about having sex with Jesus." -- Julie Cambell

"No. That's not the problem. The problem is you guys not wearing clothing." -- Jessica, at rehearsal

"I'm a big-time stupid fellow." -- Jayant

Jayant: "I'm going to start worshipping you ..."
Me: "Why?"
Jayant: "With all the effort you're putting in. ... Are you worth worshipping?"
Me: "No. It's not like I'm a cow."

"Smoking cures ham." -- seen on a bumper sticker

"Pretty please with naquadria on top?" -- <Deep_R>

"Going to war without the French is a bit like going on a deer hunt without an accordion." -- US military spokesman, when asked if he was concerned about the lack of French support for military action against Iraq

Me: "And then you say, 'But a Bayesian network only represents a joint probability distribution, bitch!'"
Will: "Yeah!"

"she sounds a few bricks short of a wall." -- <mymusic>

Jayant: "Are you mocking me, Dan?"
Me: "No more than I'm mocking myself."
Jayant: "That's not a very helpful answer."
 

"... achieve anything that has been put be forth me."

Q, from the glFTPd README: "Who do I sue if glftpd breaks my system?"
A: "You can sue anybody you want except the authors, who take no responsibility for what this software does to your system (although most likely it won't do anything bad). It's a good idea to sue Bill Gates if something does happen - he has enough money for everyone."

"I could use a good rape ... once in a while." -- Nathan Frost (referring to being raped (by a woman))

"I'm going to get pneumonia from your saliva!" -- Me

"I trust you ... but not when it comes to Vorlons." -- Laura

Me: "You signed up for a Victoria's Secret credit card?"
Will: "They had some good deals!"

"She planned to have her sister, but she got pregnant, and I got upgraded!" -- Laura

"Biiiiig lepidoptera." -- Laura

"I've never seen a ghost, but my sister's friend's brother experienced some freaky paranormal shit." -- <Pra3t0>

"... They make $75,000 to $100,000 a year. That's not much to live on. I don't have to tell you that," [Valenti] said, vastly overestimating the U.S. poverty level and what I get paid for this column. I vowed right then not only to pirate a movie but also to find a way to use the Internet to steal directly from Jack Valenti's home. -- Joel Stein, Entertainment Weekly

"Lots of death, a large wooden horse, and the daughter of Zeus make for a good combination." -- <Ocyurus>

Hanif: "So, Dan."
Me: "Yah?"
Hanif: "I've decided that your webpage is, in fact, the nexus of the universe."
Me: "Ooh. I like nexii."

     -- John Zahorjan, announcing the annual CSE 481 Colloquium

Matt Richardson: "I need to learn more about discriminative learning."
Me: "So do my Bayes nets."

Me, referring to Pradeep's imminent University Singers concert: "Is it worth five dollars?"
Pradeep: "Um ... it's all right."

"You're going to have a server. Her name is Inge. She will take care of you shortly." -- Olive Garden hostess with a heavy Russian accent

"Hi! My name is Inge. I'll be taking care of you tonight." -- Olive Garden waitress

"... beautifully delivered by (Russell) Allen -- which just proves that he, and (Damian) Wilson and (Floor) Jansen, could sing the phone book and make it sound great ..." -- Stephanie Sollow, July 2002, reviewing Star One's album "Space Metal" for www.progressiveworld.net

"I get a lot of Samoan ... but I could Asian out myself." -- Laura Ditt, when I explained that we wanted Asians in our crowd at our annual kung fu picnic/demonstration

"I don't mean it in a bad way, but my dad is a complete retard." -- Adam Carolla

"When I grow up ... I want to be a Suburban" -- seen on a Subaru hatchback's license plate frame

"This boy today was packing a Tek-9 semi-automatic with hollow point rounds and two clips to spare! ... Perpetrators ... decedents ... high school's no place for kids anymore." -- Det. Van Zandt, Home Room

"Hmm ... if it's on FOX News, does that mean there really is no hurricane?" -- Me

Me, upon reading a database group mail regarding an event in their new Allen Center lab: "Uh ... I thought 609 was the AI lab? Do the DB folks know this?"
Dan Weld: "The DB lab is next door. DB folks can't count."

"You realize it's statistically impossible to have that many violent names in one kung fu class and that your class is the harbinger of the end of the world, don't you? I mean, no big deal ... but just so you know ..." -- Hanif

"Well, if a tree falls on you, that's dangerous; if you get electrocuted by a downed power line, that could be a very bad day." -- Peter King, CBS News, Virginia Beach, on the north edge of Hurricane Isabel

"modern rap = 'I'm black, so if you're black, buy this ... also buy this if you want to seem like you're black ... i.e. asians.'" -- Me

"A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, 'Make me one with everything.'" -- a sig

Storeclerk outside menswear shop, as overheard by Hanif: "We don't have any more of those. Do you like something else?"
Customer looking at brightly-colored price tags: "Yeah. How much is that one over there for $79.95?"

Zasha: "So, do you have any plans for the 10th of Tevet this year?"
Me: "Uh ... no ... why?"
Zasha: "No reason. I just wanted to say that."

<LaDy^> hmm ... i'm pakistani
<LaDy^> i'm indian too ;)
<me> damn
<me> you must go to war with yourself a lot
 

We'll have hundreds of non-CSE folks wandering the nooks and crannies of the Allen Center today, discovering the wonderful opportunities that this magnificent building provides.

Me: "Yum, you sent me a Micro$oft doc."
Hanif: "I'm sorry... should it have been in touchy feely Linuxware or some hippie shit like that?"
Me: "Yes, something where one line of text is less than 100KB."
Hanif: "Bitch bitch bitch."

Me, re Quentin Tarantino: "Fortunately, Kill Bill is nothing like his other movies."
Hanif: "Meaning without regard to space/time?"
Me: "Actually, that's still there ..."

"She who doesn't count is lost; subdivide and conquer." -- Dr. Geoffrey Boers, director of University Chorale, to the sopranos

"Don't be like professors who repeat themselves. Don't be like professors who repeat themselves." -- Dr. B

"Ahren't ye afrayed yah're gon' tuh hit each other in the genitels?" -- random fairly drunk Irish man, in a thick brogue, stopping by the open door of our kung fu school during a recent class

"They couldn' org'nize ah fuck in ah broth'l." -- ibid, apparently regarding the Seattle police department

Mr. Luk, staring at me in disbelief after sparring class: "Damn ... you always leave here with a lot less blood than when you came in."
Me: "It's okay ... I stop by the blood bank and top off before I get here."

Me: "What ... the two thermonuclear warheads going off in his ass?!?!"
Zasha: "He has a very resilient ass."
Me: "How would you know, Zasha?"
Zasha: "... No comment."

"I didn't say 'you look at' ... I said 'get looked at'. You don't have a specialization in feces management." -- Laura

O'Neill: "You're eating my dog."
Maybourne, mouth full: "You ... want it back?"

Zasha: "Well, did you like last week's episode [of Enterprise]?"
Me: "Which one was last week's?"
Zasha: "Erm ..."
Me: "Ohhh ... you mean the one with the guy ... on the planet ... with the stuff?"

"So I have to take steroids for my [medical condition]. The good thing about this is that I can tell women that I have enormous genitals as a result of a birth defect, and while there's nothing medical science can do for my 14-inch penis, at least my testicles will shrink to a more normal size." -- anon.

"You should need a license to make 5-day forecasts. These [weathermen] in LA can't even go 10 ... 14 minutes into the future." -- Adam Carolla

"All this talk about penises and giving girls head is making me hungry ... brb." -- <HellFire->

Tom: "This is Kelly on the Tom Leykis Show."
Kelly: "Hello, Tom. How are you?"
Tom: "All right, Kelly."
Kelly, again: "How are you?"
Tom, again: "All right, Kelly."
Kelly: "Hi, Tom."
Tom: "Oh, did you want to talk to Tom?"
Kelly: "Tom, I would love to talk to you."
Tom: "Hang on ... I'll see if I can find me ..."

"Estimated market value of the usable body parts of an adult human : $46,000,000" -- Wired (San Francisco), vis-a-vis Harper's Index, 10/2003

"I'm watching the kids play Quidditch, and I'm juggling my Quaffle." -- B.J. Shea caller

Attorney in Intolerable Cruelty: "Objection, your honor! Strangling the witness!"
Judge, deadpan: "I'm going to allow it."

"Wait, are we training the banana?" -- Noah Snavely

Zasha: "This is one of those rare instances where semantics travels faster than sound."
Me: "Indeed."
Zasha: "Oh, speaking of which ..."
Me: "Semantics?"
Zasha: "No, Babylon 5."
Me: "..."
Zasha, defensively: "That wasn't a non sequitur! I said, 'Speaking of which ...' and then followed it with 'Babylon 5' !"

Me: "And then I'd like trumpets to come out from behind me."
Zasha: "Um ... from where?"
Me: "No, Zasha, not from my ass."

Zasha, again non sequitur-izing: "So, apparently rainbow trout have testicles."
Me, aghast: "Ew ... I eat them frequently."
Zasha: "Well they're not necessarily in their 'sirloin cut'."
Me: "Rainbow trout don't have sirloin cuts."
  *pause*
Me: "Although I guess you just told me that they do have sirloins."

"Most painters worry about the subtle play of light and shadow; you just worry about getting hit by a truck." -- Bud Light's "Mr. Major Highway Line Painter" ad

"Her father was coughing like the stacks of a factory devoted to manufacturing respiratory infections." -- www.somethingawful.com, "Catch the Fever", 12/01/03

Kathy Griffin, regarding Paris Hilton's show The Simple Life: "... but compared to the sex tape, it's not all that special."
Adam Carolla: "So you saw the sex tape?"
Kathy: "No, but I saw the Private Jessica Lynch tape, and I hear they're pretty much the same thing ... y'know ... both filmed in that green night vision ..."

"I don't know what all that stuff about being groped by zombies is, and frankly I'm a little alarmed. Like most people, I don't play games to be molested by strange men in dark hallways. I most certainly get enough of that in real life." -- SA, mocking a review of a new FPS

"Once I've spent myself on reallyhotbraziliangirls.com, I go to c-span.org ..." -- Adrien Treuille

"And, I like smarm!" -- Linda Gingrich, concluding an e-mail

"Butt test gauges smoke intake" -- headline in Nature: Science Update, Dec 4, 2003

Me, presenting my final project (in 8 minutes) in CSE 546, to Pedro Domingos, professor and official timekeeper: "How much time do I have left?"
Pedro, fumbling around with his sweater for about 5 seconds, looking for his watch: "..."
Me, continuing instants before Pedro was going to answer: "Okay! Good to know. So ... on this slide we see ..."

"If you ever find yourself in a situation where you tell someone you're gonna kick their ass when they least expect it, remember that the time they least expect it is the split-second between uttering 'least' and 'expect'." -- Nif's Bit o' Daily Wisdom

"You have a great idea and the ability to accomplishment it." -- a fortune cookie

Me: "So I passed ... um ... what's-his-name ... Hank Levy on the stairs the other day."
Zasha, laughing uncontrollably: "That must have been quite painful!"

"And really ... who wants to end up in Bothell?" -- Lisette Heilman, re: the possible consequences of falling asleep on the bus

Zasha: "Well done. You've succeeded where others would not have been brave enough to try."
Me: "I think you mean 'not flatulent enough' to try."
Zasha, equatingly: "Yes, well ... bravery ... flatulence."

"The next step is to configure the X server. That is covered in detail in an as-yet unwritten document." -- the XDarwin installation instructions

Davis: "So if I'm to understand you correctly, you, uh ... had a party and didn't invite me."
Tru: "Davis ..."
Davis, sing-songy: "I thought we were friends."
Tru: "We are friends."
Davis: "Yeah, sure, when you wake up next to some dead guy."

Me, matter-of-factly: "David Notkin has appendicitis."
Zasha: "I see ... are you practicing making random predictions?"
Me: "No, I'm reading the newsgroup."

"It's not too late to hate-- to help KUOW." -- ironically apropos misspeaking in an on-air NPR donation plea