July - December 2002 Oldproj

"I sweat!" -- Me, trying to type "I swear!"

"In here, there's Québec and the Rest of Canada (ROC)." -- [Gregorrr]

Will: "I just buy the 2-ply by default because my ass deserves the best."
Me: "But no! It's not the best! It's a misconception!"

Laura: "And that thing that looks like an elephant? It's actually a tick."
Me: "Damn ... you certainly have a way with the dry erase marker ..."

American Express Telemarketer: "Hello, [stream of Chinese] ... American Express."
Laura: "I don't speak Chinese."
Telemarketer: "Oh ... do you speak English?"
Laura: "Uh, yeah."
Telemarketer: "Me too!"
Laura: "Congratulations?"

[SHocK101 (in Australia)] I'm not with it today.
[me] That's okay ... it's still yesterday for me. :)

"My only problem came from the fact that I don't know any English words." -- Laura, re: a practice GRE Verbal test

"I want my Daniel Jackson (and wouldn't mind terribly seeing my Daniel Grossman either)! Please have time for fun and space monkeys tomorrow." -- Laura

"Your appointment goes through the system like a mouse through a snake, slowly but surely." -- Lindsay, re our quarterly tuition waiver

"Clark, you're our son ... whether you can bench press the tractor or not ..." - Martha Kent

"... since buildings larger than 2 billion square feet are rare." -- Professor Johnson

Adam Carolla: "You want to get circumcised?"
Dusty: "Well, no ... I just wanna know how to get rid of [my foreskin] without going to a doctor."

"And no, it does not involve anal sex -- oh, right ... I have to write that quote down!" -- Me

"My kung fu is more powerful than my pants." -- Mr. Harrop

"There's a dog barking on screen if that's a good sign." -- Pim

* jafar123 slaps you with a rusty ipod

Laura: "What's 'ATF'?"
Me: "Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms ... otherwise known as 'The South'."

"... and they attempted genocide, which is like suicide, except a Kraut does it to you." - Adam Carolla

"Rule number one for being a bird: have wings. Rule two: have feathers. Rule three: shit liquid." -- Me

"To cleanse my palate after each swig, I made fresh with citron-flavored Mentos soaked in Orbitz and then I splashed Zima on my face." -- Dr. Pepper taste test at http://www.kibo.com/kibofood/dr_pepper.html

"... but still nearly as bad as getting fermented shrimp paste up your nose in zero gravity while using Windows 3.1." -- ibid.

"Rating: 0.0 (I thought Dr. Zeppa was bad. I have confidence I will not have to use any negative numbers in rating future contenders. This is the worst thing I've ever tasted, including rancid Crunchy Waterchestnut Drink from Chinatown.)" -- ibid., re Dr. Joe's All Natural Spicy Soda

Me: "Wouldn't it be cool if Seven could carry fuel in her breasts?"
Zasha: "Um, I would have to revise my sexual fantasies accordingly."
Me: "What?! ... Were you planning on igniting her breasts?"

"I need Tivo." -- Will, after not seeing several meteors in a row that the rest of us saw

Laura: "[He]'s a weird guy."
Me: [quizzical look]
Laura, retractingly: "But weird in a bad way."

"That's because your cat couldn't move if a tactical nuke were going off in her ass." -- Me

"Don't blame me; I voted for Bush." -- seen on a license plate rim

Will, writing his name in an e-mail: "wukk"
Me: "Thanks wukk!"
Will: "Sometimes I'm wo;; but it really depends on my mood."

Me: "Did you meet any of your friendly guys today?"
Laura: "I saw one ..."
Me: "What did he say?"
Laura: "He gave me money ..."
Me: [?]
Laura, explaining: "I wanted cookies."

Me, poutily: "I have emphysema."
Laura, mother-like: "You don't have emphysema ..."

"And that's why we can't play piano with our buttocks." -- Laura's prof

"I just need ... sex 'n stuff ... " -- anon.

"I hope you have a nice summer month doing whatever Bayesian thing you do." -- Margaret

Me: "I'm not afraid of you."
Laura: "You should be."
Me: "I mean, I'm afraid of your driving ..."

"Yeah, the 65 might be in the lake, but the 271's usually not." -- Laura, watching the display from a 142 student's flawed TransitBus final project

Me, teasing Laura: "I have tonsils; you do not."
Laura, reciprocating: "I can poop!"

"I bet you were a babe when you were younger." -- drunk baseball coach to Ms. Fowler, Jr.

"God bless peristalsis." -- Me

Professor Johnson, in e-mail to a student: "No."
Me: "Well said."
Professor Johnson: "Sometimes I know just the right word for the situation ..."

Sean: "... and strangely, Eastern Europe has the lowest birthrate."
Laura: "You know why?"
Sean: "No."
Laura, matter-of-factly: "It's cuz the women are ugly."

Me, doing something horribly wrong on my computer: [*gasp*]
Jayant: "What happened?"
Pradeep: "His computer spontaneously rebooted! Oh, no, wait ... that's mine."

"Dude! I didn't know Skaara was Sha're's brother!" -- Laura, after seeing about 3.5 seasons of Stargate SG-1

Adam Carolla: "How tall are you?"
Loveline caller: "I'm like five-foot twelve ... almost six."

"I used my ass to fight gravity." -- Laura

"I'm going to pull your pants down and stick cardboard up your ass!" -- Laura

Me: "Things are going good for you?"
Lindsay: "I think so ... I dunno. I haven't looked lately."

"This software comes with ABSOLUTELY NO WARRANTY. Even if it erases your hard drive, too bad. Although we did fix that bug from the last release." -- README from a long-ago release of DJGPP [stolen from the cdparanoia homepage]

"Since my English is deteriorating and I should let my cats indoors ..." -- Margaret

"Like my grandfather always told me, 'Never skimp on your rectum.'" -- Adam Carolla

"You're just using me for the back of my head." -- Me

Me: "Um, that's a felony."
Laura: "Yeah ... I know ... but if it helps ..."

"Maybourne, you're an idiot every day of the week! Can't you take even one day off?" -- Major Carter

Lya: "I only hid the weapon; I did not fire it."
Carter: "That's a pretty fine line you didn't cross."

Zasha: "Doctor Fraiser wants to compare their asses."
Me: "Hmm ... would that make it a booty pageant?"

"Should be sober." -- Margaret, on a TA evaluation form

"Fortunately, most of the country has not had the benefit of a recent Yale education and [therefore] does know the difference between right and wrong ..." -- Thomas Barton, Yale College '64, in a letter to the editor of the Yale Alumni Magazine, April '02, re: the moral relativism being taught by Yale's left-wing history and international studies professors after September 11, 2001

"And did you know that Brad Pitt has really salty saliva?" -- Laura

"I make no warranties about this install. In particular, don't try to fly a plane with it." -- Jed L., having installed Gnome 1.4.2

"That's such a 'smart people' major!" -- cashier at Etc, talking with a co-worker about engineering (which isn't a major, btw)

"I need to stay out of this tree." -- Andrea, in rehearsal

"You're more than just slightly above average." -- Laura

"Wanna be Pestilence's little helper?" -- Laura

"A Michael Sipser was found on the shelf of the men's toilet of 4th floor." -- Mausam, posting hilariously to the newsgroup

"Thank goodness. I thought I was gonna have to work on my thesis today!" -- Geoff, responding to my 100th email asking for help understanding his code

"Also, no offense to any of us, but we might all be too white to pull it off." -- Jessica Martin, proposing some music for Unleashed Small Group

Laura: "What do you want in a girl, then?"
Me: "My penis."

"Uh-uh, you don't want pee-pee coming out your ears." -- Me

Me: "You've got good rhythm."
Laura: "I'm part black."

"Those are my boobies!" -- Laura, pretending to be a mummy (don't ask)

"Hand ... hand ... boobie!" - ibid.

"Woohoo! Go Laura and her control over her Eustachian tubes!" -- Laura

"I'm not brave! I just have a high tolerance for anal pain!" -- Me

"Everyone please disregard that last '*****key*****' fact as it's not really a 'fact' in the factual sense." -- James Hewitt, poking fun

"I live just south of the Chasids ... and just north of the Puerto Ricans." -- Hanif

"You're talking to the guy who wrote his senior thesis the day it was due. I have no respect for your ... how you say ... deadlines." -- ibid.

me: indeed ... it was quite epiphaniacal
ArchAngelicus: That's SO not a word.

"No. They weren't Wiccan. They were horny." -- Hanif

Q: "How many Frenchmen does it take to hold Paris?"
A: "Nobody knows."

"Democrats don't get angry; we get bumper stickers." -- Garrison Keillor

Tiffany Blodgett: "I think I pulled a butt muscle."
Adrian Bentley: "Want a massage?"

"As soon as you called, I ripped off my jeans ..." -- Laura

"I like to think that we are all winners, each in our own special way. But it's nice to know that, in a more accurate sense, I'm the winner. In a 49-point spread sense. Ahhh." -- Aaron Hertzmann, in an interview after winning the 2001 Fantasy Graphics League competition

"This week made waffles out of my sorry ass and then ate me with whipped cream and strawberries. (Which, actually, sounds pretty good ... but it's not.)" -- Laura Turner

"Real people do it with their hands." -- Pradeep

"I claim that the ass of the space-time continuum is not well-defined." -- Jayant

"Is that a goiter?! No! It's breast implants in my throat!" -- Me

"If only women came with pull-down menus and online help." -- quit message from the eXtreme mIRC script

"Oh ... the puppy dog face is more effective if you can see it ..." -- Laura, turning around

"When is the midnight show?" -- anonymous Indian CSE grad student who sits nearer to me than Pradeep

"... or even if you're not a man but you have a lot of facial hair ..." -- Laura T., trying to recruit tenors and basses

"One Ping to Annoy Them. One Ping to Spam Them. One Ping to Kill Them and in the Darkness Take Away Their Internet." -- Sarek on DALNet

"It's not quite an elk ... same kinda idea, though." -- adama on DALNet

grossman: "ping"
will: "uh, pong. I'm going to the bathroom ..."

Jayant: "Take it easy, Dan. Take it easy ..."
Me: "I can't! My ass is so excited!"

"where in christendom can you get a haircut in 20 mins anyway?" -- Me

"Yeah ... you wouldn't notice unless you were trying to shave me and I screamed." -- Adrian

"... a pretty good knowledge of IRC and Unix, including how to compile programs, how to read ..." -- from the eggdrop1.6 ABOUT file

Pradeep: "This is going to take forever, you moron!"
Jayant: "I haven't written any of this code! [then, as if retracting a minor point] Well, I've written all of it, but ..."

Me: "You should just write a macro."
Jayant: "That changes 'shoft' to 'shift'? But what if I really wanted to write 'shoft'?"
Me: "Why the hell would you want to do that?"
Jayant: "I dunno ... if I were keeping a log of the number of times I typed 'shoft' when I meant 'shift'?"