September 2001 - June 2002 Oldproj

"I'm stuffy and my head hurts. My neck is sore. I'm tired. All in all, I feel much better than I did yesterday." -- Laura

Pradeep: "Why's this garbage can right here?"
Frank: "Where would you like it to be ... inverted on your desk?"

"So they eighty-sixed the clafouti ..." -- waitress at La Brasa

"I'm so brilliant! Oh, wait, no, that's not it. Darn." -- Justin, doing something on his computer

"Oh, Jesus-tap-dancing-Christ." -- Mr. Garrison

 PID USER     PRI  NI  SIZE  RSS SHARE STAT  LIB %CPU %MEM   TIME COMMAND
8132 saurabh   15   0  4700 4700   568 R       0 93.9  0.9   1:29 probability
8109 blanchem   1   0  866M 456M 52864 D    329M  1.9 90.4   9:17 FootPrinter

"Thirty isn't that close to infinity, really." -- Professor Peter Hoff, in Statistics 421

Justin: "What ... you don't like reverse peristalsis?"
Me: "Um, would you like to be on the business end of my reverse peristalsis?"

"The line between gruesome and heartfelt is narrow indeed." -- Bart

"But is it only 'Hide'? I want to really kill him." -- Miryung, trying to get rid of ClipIt in Microsoft Power Point

"What a nice little ass he's got there." -- Bart, fingering a (male) statuette

Bart: "Cuz look at his crotch."
Me: "I don't wanna look at his crotch."

Me: "There's no crotch action."
Frank: "Yeah, there's no crotch action."

"It was full of suck." -- Justin, describing a course he once took

Me, answering office phone: "233."
Woman: "Hello?"
Me: "233!"
Woman: "I don't know who I have. I must have the wrong number."
Me: "Who are you looking for?"
Woman: "I'm looking for my voice mail."
Me: "Well, this isn't it."

"Like I always say at Halloween ... I'm coming as myself. If that doesn't scare you, you're already dead." -- Scott Dakins, Assistant to the Chair

"Oh, daaaamn! I thought you was the blackest dude I've ever seen!" -- black guy on the street, to Tim, who was made up for Hallowe'en

"Turn in on time to avoid discount on scores." -- from Stat421's web page

"We have a reputation to uphold and a budget to exceed." -- Frank, encouraging 233 to put together a TGIF of our standard excellent quality

Steve, interrupting himself: "-- and I just learned the brand of Justin's underwear!"
Bart, shocked: "And it's not black!"
Justin, reaching into pants: "No, it's almost black ... look!"
Me, averting my eyes: "No! No, no, no, no! No saying 'look' while reaching into your pants."
Steve: "Grow up, Grossman. Active Learning is essential."
Me: "Do you want to Actively Learn the color of his underwear?"

Bart, later: "I'll show you what's coming out of my ass!"
Me, back turned: "N-no. No ... no-no."

"I'm lying again, but that's all right." -- Larry, in CSE 527

"... and you don't want to have minus infinity in your dataset. It's hard to plot and other things ..." -- Professor Hoff

"We earlier approved a new capstone course[;] the faculty has also approved [it] by virtue of not saying anything." -- Alan Borning, to the Curriculum Committee

Me: "So you used to be gay?"
Zasha: "No, I used to lack front teeth."

"I get it added." -- Richard Ladner, re something he was about to do

"So I haven't touched my staff in weeks." -- Me (my officemates apparently found this statement funny :)

"Well, that should free up a few seats." -- Me, as an incredibly large woman got off a packed bus

"We don't usually give her a beer and the remote though, unless we want to watch kittie porn ..." -- Laura, regarding a picture of a cat (similar to hers) sitting on a couch with a TV remote control and a beer

"Are you unzipping something?" -- Will, seated, to Frank, who was standing behind him, playing with his pants

"I don't like Christians walking around doing secret things." -- Me

"The difference between grunge and longshoreman is such a fine line." -- Justin

Kimmy: "But you don't wear skirts!"
Me: "Right, because I haven't done laundry in a long time!"

CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. - The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching down to pick it up, examining it, and then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate." -- /usr/games/fortune

"I plan to be sending a commercialization update about once a month ... If you are not interested in receiving these, then please feel free to setup your mail filtering accordingly ..." -- the ever-so-gracious Vibha

Me: "Will you be observing the minute of silence tomorrow at 1830 GMT for George Harrison?"
Justin: "No ... because no one told me about it and 'cuz ... no."

"I mean, even if there's a shitload of paper clips ... " -- Frank

"God. The Big Guy Upstairs? Not to be confused with Santa, who's also a big guy upstairs." -- Me

Me: "Well, I got a pretty big ass."
Bart: "Yeah, well, it's not big enough."

"sucktacular" -- WotD from Danger

"During the lab, we will fit some regression models, some of which may be meaningless." -- Le Sun, Stat 421 TA

"Yay! I'm sane! I'm sane -- ow!" -- Zasha, jumping up and down, arms raised in triumph, such that his fist hit the ceiling painfully

"... because the first half of 'The Lord of the Rings' is them stealing silverware from each other." -- Frank

"Ooh, I wish I had a hard one." -- Me

"Does it matter that his little thing is not straight?" -- Bart, some time ago

"This is a [sentence] that I would expect a third-order Markov model to write." -- Zasha, reading a less than well-written statement of purpose in someone's graduate school application

"In Hebrew, [the word for] 'cabinet' just means 'photon shield'." -- Me

"The first ten coffees are free." -- Will, advertising the Society of Business Engineers' biweekly networking coffees

"Guess what? I have a pet raccoon! ... Ok. So, I don't have a pet raccoon." -- Laura

"Yes, you're right that there are two 3s. I think this is a typo. The second 3 should be 2597." -- Professor Raftery

"If there's an AIDS Fairy -- and I'm guessing there's a lot of them ..." -- Adam Carolla

"I'm pounding on my own machine!" -- Bart

"Whore is only for girls, right?" -- Miryung

"I deliberately am not updating homework questions on the web, as that could lead to more confusion." -- Professor Raftery, after sending mail regarding changes to a problem set and then not correcting the official version available on the Web

"Y'think if I have some raw meat ..." -- Me, to Bart, temporarily forgetting he's a vegetarian

"He was adjusting the mirror so the head, if it were alive, could see itself." -- St. Petersburg, FL, police spokesman George Kajtsa

me: Did the FBI ever find you?
ArchAngelicus: I found them. And get this.
ArchAngelicus: They wanted to exclude me from their suspect list.
me: That's why they were searching for you? To exclude you?
ArchAngelicus: No ... I mean they were looking for me ... but in order to exclude me ... they asked me for my physical description.
ArchAngelicus: I'll repeat that, because it bears repeating ... they asked me for my physical description.
me: Indeed :)
me: And what was your description?
ArchAngelicus: Well ... mine ... but man was I tempted to give Christian's.
me: rofl :)
ArchAngelicus: I mean ... what the hell are they gonna do when they get bin Laden's phone number?
ArchAngelicus: "Excuse me ... are you Osama bin Laden? No? ... You're a thirteen year old white girl, you say? Oh ... sorry."

"You would look so rad in a Will skin!" -- Justin

"You, uh, hit him a few times in the bladder and made him realize his p-value?" -- Zasha

"So, given the curvature of the typical penis, if you were to stand on your head, and your penis were several thousand miles long ..." -- Zasha

"That dot-dot-dotting is unfair." -- ibid.

Me, complaining: "Damn, Bart, I have an exam, man!"
Bart, using a (normally) universal greeting: "Yo, G! What up?!"

"This is on MTV; it's not that nasty." -- Justin

"So MTV is considered a good TV station, or what?" -- Miryung

Jim Holloway (ZymoGenetics): "I believe that most of these aren't real exons. For instance, this afternoon I predicted there were 200 billion proteins in the human genome."
Audience: [scattered laughter]
Jim Holloway: "That's ... more than there are."

Miryung: "The only reason I don't go there [IHOP] every day is because I don't want to become ..."
Me: "As fat as me?"
Miryung, trying to find the right words: "No ... not that fat."

"Wait, I'm missing something ... what do they do with the headless goat?" -- Martin Tompa

"I don't think we'd have any objection to a girl, as long as she wasn't assuming she'd be staying with women. Girls have stayed in our house before, and appear to have survived the experience. Moreover, I once had a girlfriend who was a girl." -- Zasha

Laura: "What's the significance of the 'upstream region'?"
Me, not helping: "Um, about .0025."
Laura, exasperated: "No, no! Tell this to a history major!"
Me: "OK. In 1784, the significance was about .0025."

"Okay, if you're gonna get hickeys on your ass, you might as well ..." -- Laura

Jason, offended that Frank went suit-shopping with someone else: "Some of us have more fashion sense than Dmitris."
Tim: "Most of us ..."
Frank: "Yeah, I could show up for my interview with a leather mask over my face and a ball gag ..."

"n Taxes" -- license plate on Mr. Armstrong's car ... he drives a hearse

"-ic" -- Zasha, suffixizationalizing

"But it's not Microsoft's. It's softer and it's got a bigger hole." -- Bart

"Hey, what's his name, uh ... Dan." -- Jayant, speaking to me

"... 'cause you've got to differentiate between petaphile and pedophile." -- Me

"Where was this at Yale? We were busy steaming smoke out of our monkey's ass." -- Hanif, playing with a dart gun

"Oh, look, I can scratch myself with my foot!" -- Laura

"If there had been less of her there would be more of her left." -- Sean, re: Mama Cass

Hanif, regarding Sean's Red Robin burger juice spillage: "It's the juice of Saphoo."
Me: "The thoughts acquire speed, the shirt acquires stains, the stains become a tasty treat!"

Sean: "The enzymes will break it down some--"
Hanif: "Dude, no matter what you say, you've spent the last two minutes sucking on your shirt."

"Knock knock. Pre-emptive cow!" -- Sean

"Pre-emptive Psi Corps! Knock knock." -- Hanif

"I just had a bad case of left." -- Sean

"I'm no clothing expert, but I think Hanif needs more than one pair of underwear in his life." -- Me

"That stuff is scary. It's like matzah but, um ... but bad." -- Hanif

Hanif: "Is it still functified?"
Me: "I don't know ... I don't want to look at your ass anymore."
Hanif: "Come on. Look at my ass! You know you want to."

"I'm an ahhhhhhhhhhhh-ter." -- Laura, repeatedly

"Fucking hell ... these people are morons -- morons! Every one of them ... except for those of them that ... aren't ..." -- Bart, grading

Isaac, playing with a bouncy ball: "I just want to slam Kimmy."
Me: "You want to change her long-distance service?"

Me: "It's the Chia-Breast?"
Anonymous girl who sits next to me in 233: "Yeah, lots of nipples spread over the top."

O'Neill: "So, what's your impression of Alar?"
Teal'c: "That he is concealing something."
O'Neill: "Like what?"
Teal'c: "I am unsure. He is concealing it."

"I have a kind of firm, semifirm signature as it moves across the page. It will probably take about ... you know, about three seconds to get to the 'W', I may hesitate on the period, and then rip through the 'Bush'." -- President George W. Bush, regarding whether he would sign the Campaign Finance Reform bill reluctantly or wholeheartedly

"Roughly 200 Taliban and Al Qaeda fighters were killed, or possibly 800." -- re: Operation Anaconda

"The Catholic Church in the Philippines was appealing to followers not to crucify themselves during Holy Week, pointing out that the popular practice of nailing oneself to a cross has become more a tourist attraction than a genuine act of penance."

"An Italian archbishop asked Roman Catholics to refrain from sending text messages for a day as a sacrifice to God, proposing that Good Friday be the 'day of short messages abstinence'."

"... the three Wise Men crowded into the stable. One of them stepped in what is often encountered in stables, wiped his boot, and angrily muttered, 'Jesus Christ.' At which Mary said, 'Joseph, that's a much better name than Irving.'" -- Cal Whipple, Corresponding Secretary, Yale College Class of 1940 (11/01 YAM)

Frank: "Anyone want to go over to the HUB?"
Me: "What's tasty at the HUB?"
Frank: "What's not tasty at the HUB?!"
Everyone in the room: [tense silence]
Frank: "Er ... let me rephrase that ..."

Jayant, re juggling: "We need balls of steel."
Me, obscenely: "Well, I have those."
Jayant: "Can they be magnetized?"
Me: "Yes. People say I'm very attractive."

"You may never have sex during intercourse." -- Dr. Drew, trying to say that some women might never have an orgasm during intercourse

"I think everyone, once in his life, should be given a ticker-tape parade." -- Gene Kranz (former NASA Flight Director), in Failure Is Not An Option

"That's what we need! We need the $50 butt coupon!" -- Laura

"I keep knocking my balls together." -- Me

"I hate it when you have to grip your balls." -- Bart

O'Neill: "We'll be unavailable, inaccessible, ..."
Hammond: "Incommunicado ..."
O'Neill, as if correcting him: "Minnesota, sir."
Hammond: "I stand corrected."

Bart: "I have some data in Excel ..."
Me, sympathetically: "I'm sorry."

"So, it's because they dropped the soap that they got raped?" -- Kenneth, apparently talking about men in public showers in prisons, but we really have no idea ...

"Tuna does not taste like chicken! I'm not a hippo!" -- Will

"We have to find a place to shove 'The Rose' in." -- Andrea Turnbull

"I trust their judgement. They are me, only Asian and Puerto Rican." -- Laura

"The lawyers keep apologizing. They will make him go away if I can't. Not in the mafia way, but away nonetheless." -- Laura

"Our droplet evaporation problem turned itself into a condensation problem when the outward flux became negative due to the vapor pressure of an evaporating species becoming less than its ambient pressure as the temperature fell. Very cute." -- Dad

Laura: "My coffee cup is too big for my bladder."
Me: "Well then don't put it in there."

"That's the only time I've ever hit her, and it was with the small ball!" -- Me

"I mean, I'm in statistics 101B this semester, finishing my major requirements, and this public policy chick leans over to me one day and says, 'This class is hard. I'm so bad at math.' I thought, 'Are you kidding me? This isn't math. We're flipping coins, for Christ's sake. I'm over here in CPS 666 talking about fast Fourier transform matrices ... meanwhile you're wondering what the probability of getting two heads in a row is. You want math? I'll give you math, you skank.'" -- Clark Jeffries, as quoted in The Chronicle of Duke University in "'Take Your Humanities Buddy To School Day' A Success", 10/1/2001

"I bet no one's ever said that before: 'seduce the Pope'?" -- Me

"Please eat my nuts." -- message from Will on the whiteboard

"And Dan, it was nice being in your jeans, if only for one night. Thanks, man." -- Tim Chin

Will: "Are you planning to watch this eclipse?"
Me: "Are you planning on reading the newsgroup?"
Will: "True! But are you doing anything with it?"
Me: "Yes, I will rape it."

Mr. Hell, regarding his claustrophobia: "I'm afraid that I'm going to come forward into a cat stretch and bonk heads with Mr. Grossman."
Kung fu class: [incapacitating laughter]
Mr. Hell, to Mr. Harrop, who was laughing harder than most: "What are you laughing at?"
Mr. Harrop, quietly amused: "I love kung fu."

"Okay, the next person who loves kung fu more than me gets fifty push-ups." -- Mr. Hell