November 2000 - April 2001 Oldproj

"I have never worn a dress, and now I know why I never want to." -- Me, after walking up several flights of stairs in my sorcerer's robe

"It was ... I liked it a lot." -- Me, in reference to "Charlie's Angels"

"It uses Greek, but it's actually very simple." -- Professor Chambers

"I'd have voted if my local races were cooler. Like in Missouri: They had a dead guy on the ballot there, man." -- Fred Runnels, the Onion, 11/08/00

UW freshman girl #1:
UW freshman girl #2:
UW freshman girl #1: "Do girls get hernias?"

"We have an international outpost now that will be continuously manned with people from multiple countries and they're all going to work together. No matter what happens on Earth with strife between countries, there is one place where people from other countries are working together in peace, and I just think that is a great achievement." -- astronaut Susan Helms

Lee Huntsman (UW Provost) to Mike Kummer (CSE Research Coordinator, who moonlights as a bartender at the Northlake Tavern), upon seeing Mike behind the bar: "You work at UW. What are you doing pouring beer?"
Mike: "Oh, all the staff in CSE have taken second jobs to help pay for the [new] building."

"The pickle doesn't know anything about the Electoral College. After all, it's a pickle." -- Eugene F. O'Grady of Ogdensburg, NY, whose "Pickle poll properly predicts presidential preference" (according to the AP)

Justin: "So what have we learned?"
Justin and Me: "We've learned that multiplication and division are inverses."

"It's two Community Chest cards short of a Monopoly board." -- Me

Will: "So why are you cleaning up the signal."
Justin: "I'm not ... I'm cleaning up the system."

"Have you *seen* the definition of the Real Numbers?" - Justin, ranking on someone for some reason

Ed, sitting down for CSE 590ZZ as I was getting up after a thoroughly indecipherable CSE 505: "Dan, was that Programming Languages?"
Me, uncertainly: "I think so."

"I'm such a jerk! God, I like myself so much!" -- Justin, messing around with Will's painstakingly-adjusted chair after Will left the room to find implements for labeling his chair so nobody else would use it and screw up his adjustments

Sarah B's Roommate: "I try to buy organic whenever I can. Even though it costs, like, ten times more. Because, you know, I'm voting for, like, Nader?"
Rafe: "I figure that vegetables WITHOUT pesticides can kill me too. So I go for the pesticides, because you never know."
Roommate, overreacting (as is her wont): "Oh, my GOD! How can you, like, SAY that?! You want to spray us all with DEADLY CHEMICALS?"
Rafe: "Chemicals! I can handle them."
Roommate: "This is UNBELIEVABLE!"
Rafe (*perfect* deadpan): "Bring 'em on!"

"The reader will note that a GO TO statement is used, since it is felt that a simpler program results." -- Taylor & Frank, "CODASYL Data-Base Management Systems"

"Campus Crusade for Cthulu" -- seen on a T-shirt

"I see the .plan! The one you make
 Shows the song where you mistake
 A turn of phrase. You might not see
 That the chorus was altered by James LaBrie!"

"I just started today. I don't think it's very hard if you understand ML. I don't, and so far it's very hard." -- Don, re a Prog Langs assignment

"... so that it'll print in a finite time." -- Zasha, re a large .ps file

"She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down." -- #4 from "Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving Time"

"Well, nobody ever accused the Catholics of respecting knowledge and scholarship, especially among the laity!" -- Jennifer, relating a story about church-goers setting their prayer books on the floor

"Damn, there's your mom again." -- Zasha, to Will, with Will's mom certainly no closer than 2000 miles away

"Biggest dinosaur event in 65 million years to be held in Chicago at Navy Pier, 12/1/00-1/7/01. World's largest collection of dinosaurs, fossils, eggs, and amber will be on display. 170,000 sq. ft. of display area. 7 sauropods, the largest over 132 ft. long, will be shown. Robot dinosaurs will also be there." -- Mr. Kaplan

"To download an MP3 file right-click on the link and select Save Target As. (This is, of course, assuming that you're attempting to download these files from a Windows machine. If you're on a Mac or something wack like that I don't know what the hell you should do. Try clicking on some shit or somethin'.)" -- from http://MCHawking.com

Me: "I hope someone there can make you smile in my absence. Like that fat-ass cat of yours."
Laura: "Don't make fun of my cat. She's just fluffy and she has really bad metabolism."

Justin (in newsgroup post): "A [strike] has been called to begin Monday, December 4th."
Maria (in reply): "From the UW Daily article: 'If McCormick voluntarily recognizes the union, the strike can be overted.' What exactly does it mean for the strike to be overted? That they will tell people about it?"

Maestro Fiore, on behalf of a Chorale member without his score: "Does anybody have an extra Messiah?"
Me, gesturing towards the darkened rear of the Recital Hall: "Yeah ... I think there's one hanging on a cross back there."

Laura (re: her research trip to Winnipeg): "Can we get in touch with the Canadian Studies department to see if they can give me more money?"
Prof. Gitlin: "Well, I *am* the Canadian Studies Department ..."

"Listen, strange women living in Florida distributing electors is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical partisan ceremony." -- pmork's sig

"I do require you to read the notes for the final. I won't be mean and require you to *understand* them, but I do expect you to read them." -- Professor Chambers

"You should be out watching a movie or something instead of thinking about the null pointer." -- Don, re some of the students in 505, who *really* should have waived the class based on their prior knowledge

Justin: "Thank you. Your maps are so small that I can't see dick."
Me: "Who's Dick?"
Justin: "I don't know, but he's very small."

"I can never find Seattle on a map of Washington." -- Justin

Will: "What do you mean [by] 'he fixed the code'?"
Zasha: "I mean 'fixed'; he made it so it can't have babies."

"Did, like, a blind goat write it? What the hell?" -- Frank, proofreading a question on the upcoming CSE 143 final exam

Frank, re his Dreamcast: "I'm gonna take it back to my computer and play it more."
Justin and Me: "More?! How could you possibly play it more!?"

"Okay, I guess we have different perceptions. When I think of a carcass, I don't think of spleens." -- Me

"They have internet access in Winnipeg!" -- Laura, in an e-mail from, uh, Winnipeg

"Hey! If I were blind, my hair wouldn't look this good!" -- Laura

"... When the disk of gas periodically collapses onto the white dwarf, it unleashes a burst of kinetic energy, called a dwarf nova outburst, equivalent to 100 million times the energy of all the warheads in the U.S. and Soviet nuclear arsenal, at the peak of the Cold War. Once dumped onto the dwarf's surface, hydrogen accumulates until it undergoes thermonuclear fusion reactions that eventually trigger the classical nova explosion, which is 10,000 times even more energetic than the dwarf nova outburst. After the detonation, the 'fueling' of the white dwarf starts again." -- Ray Villard, Space Telescope Science Institute

Me: "I actually found it quite funny that he referred to me as Agamemnon."
Zasha: "Why? Apart from the obvious reason ..."
Me, not immediately seeing the obvious reason: "Oh ... you mean because my name is Dan."

"International 'Get Over It' Month" -- January, as reported by the Connecticut Post

"We'll try to keep the meeting short today, but do come; absentees will of course be assigned cryptic papers on inconvenient dates." -- Professor Ruzzo's announcement for the organizational 590CB seminar

"Here's the justification. It's a bogus justification, but a justification nonetheless." -- Anna Karlin, giving the 1/4/01 Colloquium

"If you're like me, and I know I am ..." -- Lowtax, on somethingawful.com

"I have nothing but the greatest respect for Christian fundamentalists, because it takes a lot of stamina and dedication to successfully block out all forms of logic and reason for so long." -- more from Lowtax

"The problem is I can't tell whether she's attractive because she always wears so much damn clothes." -- Will

"He didn't explode in a shower of urine or anything ..." -- Frank

"Women don't want men who can bring Diet Mountain Dew bottles. I subject you to dressing like a gay boy, since women like gay boys." -- Tim, to Will, who was looking for an easy way out of baking for our "What Women Want TGIF"

"I think there is, as we say in engineering, an 'impedance mismatch'." -- Bart, re Kenneth

"Some motherfucker in our department thinks that the thing we need is MORE advanced logic. I shit on him!" -- Sarah, a grad student in philosophy at a school that shall remain nameless

Sarah: "... and I said to myself, hey, I should really become a vegetarian. The thought lasted for about ten seconds (which is LONG in thought time)! What the hell is wrong with me?"
Jesse: "Don't be ashamed. The thought has crossed all of our minds every so often. Though for me it's generally b/c of the 'chicks dig vegetarians' stereotype and the idea that it might be fun to cook veggie food for a while. And then I realize how fun it would not be."

"Thank you. You have been invaluable. As in, having no value." -- Frank

"Ultimately, he chose the road of self-aggrandizement over trying to further the politics that he claimed to care about ... I hope he can still sleep." -- Ben Affleck, re Ralph Nader of the "Greed" Party

Sarah, eating expensive lox in the Kosher Kitchen: "Where's Ramon?"
Dan S.: "Sarah, I hate to tell you this, but Ramon, I have to say, Ramon shits on your lox, I mean, he shits on the Kosher Kitchen's lox."
Sarah: "He's a fool. Lox is lox."
Dan: "Yeah, and despite the fact that he's a black man from L.A., he *thinks* he's some kind of New York Jew. So he misses this lox, the good stuff, the fool."

"So, after having lots of people spellcheck my resume, I just discovered that one of my skills is pubic speaking ..." -- Laura

"I notice you used 'DSP' and 'cool' in the same paragraph. Please correct these kinds of obvious errors in [the] future." -- Zasha

Bart: "I have told a student [Ms. Kim] who missed a homework turn-in due to appendectomy that she may knock on the 233 door to drop off her homework. I realize that this goes against official policy and have told her as much."
Jason: "For next time, I think turning an assignment in at the next available class meeting or office hours is more appropriate."
Frank: "Me too. I took the liberty of killing Ms. Kim. I hope that is not inconvenient."

"If you've been waiting for a chance to learn more about this terrific game 'ultimate' everyone talks about, this is it. As Kurt put it, 'If you know how to run in a straight line, you're qualified.'" -- Ken

"I am in love with Jeff, my physical therapist. Well, at least with his machines. :)" -- Laura

"And the other new love of my life, NyQuil, is sitting here with me. I'm really excited to get into bed with him in a little while. Can't control myself ... such a big bottle ..." -- Laura

Bart: "How much is the pay raise?"
Frank: "Fifty bucks per month. Not very exciting, but it covers alcohol."

"It hasn't done anything wrong yet ... it just hasn't done anything right." -- Professor Chambers, describing a (supposed) optimization

Sarah: "So, anyway, I'm going out with this guy Rafe on Tuesday, and the first thing I asked him on the phone was if I could call him Rafael."
Rafe S.: "That is an _excellent_ idea."
Sarah: "But he signs himself 'Raphe', with a 'P-H', not an 'F'. What IS that?"
Rafe: "That's just ridiculous."

"I thought I'd let you know that I am no longer so infatuated with Jeff. He made me work for my massage today and I have decided that our relationship is over (although the professional relationship shall continue -- his machines still please me)." -- Laura

Me: "This is Dan's approach to dieting for weight loss."
Bart: "What ... head?"

"Were we having a serious conversation about gun ownership here? We were talking about shooting babies!" -- Justin

Bart: "I haven't been to IMDB in, like, six months."
Me: "Wow!"
Bart: "It's so good to be back."

"We are located in crumbling Sieg Hall at the center of the UW campus in Seattle, Washington -- increasingly prominent as a national and international center for rain, gray clouds, wind, and other annoying weather phenomenon." -- Ken Yasuhara, on Sieg 431's home page

"Domo arigato for the b-day card! Printed on recycled paper, no less! Speaking of which, do you know anyone who might be able to assassinate Gale Norton?" -- Sean

"When you set up a datapimp account, you are agreeing to abide by these rules. Failure to do so will result in swift, ugly retribution, and the immediate death of your account." -- terms of service @ datapimp.com

"datapimp. it's not your mother's email." -- datapimp.com

"cogito ergo zoom" -- seen on a motorcycle's license frame

"Visualize Ballard" -- seen on a bumper sticker (apparently ripping off the classic "Visualize Lard" bumper sticker in favor of the Seattle neighborhood)

"Invite us to your next blowout!" -- Tim, proposing a slogan for Firestone

"Damn dial tone ... I hate when it calls." -- Will, upon picking up the phone after seven rings

Me, hearing the opening strains of 'Carnival': "Yeah, bring it, Natalie."
Bart: [worried laugh]

Jason, entering the office: "Hey, punk."
Frank, happy to see Jason: "Hey there, crack ho."

"As Justin noted, it looks like cannibalism beat homicidal psychotic computers for this week: [advertisement for "Silence of the Lambs" movie showing, in lieu of "2001", which had also been considered] Be there ... or be lunch." -- Keunwoo

NASA Pilot Mark Polansky: "We always say that Marsha's going to be our baton twirler with the lab."
NASA Mission Specialist Marsha Ivins: "[But] they won't let me flame the ends. I'm very unhappy about that."

"We hope that Yale's Pantheon and Central Campus mail servers have served you well." -- Yale ITS User Accounts, notifying me of the 2/16/2001 termination of my Yale Pantheon account

Bart: [breaks down into fits of laughter] Me: "Are you still grading?"
Bart, still laughing: "Yeah. This guy redefined the letter 'a'."

Craig: "If you can come up with an argument that's, uh, no shabbier than the one I came up with ..."
Class, not convinced by Craig's proof: [laughs] Craig: "Hey, I'm an informal guy."

"Wow, I can kill somebody with this. ... Where's Kenneth?" -- Will, opening a highly pressurized bottle of soda

Frank, upon Justin's entrance: "Hey, punk-ass."
Justin, happy to see Frank: "Sup, biyatch?"

"[He] is doing fine, despite having climbed ... up to 2O flights of stairs with some dame Friday night, only to have her tell him (at her door, after the one billionth stair), oh, yeah, I've got a boyfriend. Do that shit at street level, is what I have to say." -- Sarah

"I just dropped my fucking keyboard, and now I have no right shift key. You'd think a gal could FIND a shift key." -- ibid.

"In my opinion, my opinions shouldn't matter to you at all ..." -- Me

"Speaker #2 - Flu victim" -- from a MedGenetics Journal Club announcement

"That independence assumption was made to be broken." -- Pedro, hand-waving

"Well, he ate the last Greek one. The brownies with caramel inside them are definitely not Greek." -- Bart

"... web passwords are passed over the network in clear text and could therefore be intercepted by an Evil One. The purpose of this password is to prevent playful colleagues from augmenting or otherwise toying with your resume." -- from the CSE Resume Database information page

"But, on the bright side, having to preserve your voice precludes your usual practice of drinking vodka until you get smashed and wake up the next morning next to an Uzbekistanian of dubious gender (and moral character)." -- Sean, pointing out the benefits of singing in the Seattle Symphony Chorale

"That was just about the most action-packed 12k I've ever received by email! All I can say for now is 'Shiznit'!" -- Sean

"The lightest and faintest objects discovered have an estimated mass of only a few times that of Jupiter. ... While such objects would be called 'planets' if they orbited a star, this is not appropriate for these independent objects. For this reason, we would refer to them as 'floating small objects'." -- National Astronomical Observatory of Japan, regarding objects found in Star-forming Region S106 IRS4

"ginger frossman@flacier.cs.washington.edu" -- Sarah, typo-ing

"I do not even require a critical *mass* of companions. One companion -- that is, one female companion -- would suffice." -- Yishai

"It's bad to lie to CVS; CVS knows best." -- Bart

Bart, watching Pradeep break things: "You should do that to Kenneth's chair."
Pradeep, breaking things: "This *is* Kenneth's chair!"

"I hope that my language does not offend. It's pretty shitty." -- Bart, after swearing repeatedly

"Structural Integrity: Your card-house must be at least as stable as Sieg Hall. In other words, it's ok for cards to randomly fall off, as long as half the structure still stands." -- from the rules for TGICards

"Okay, let's meet then, then." -- Zasha, agreeing on a meeting time

Q: "Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?"
A: "To get to the ... uh ... the other ... hmm."

"anal" -- an abbreviation for "analysis" in a TA's comment on my recent Compilers midterm

"After reading the pricing scheme for such utterly worthless crap, the immediate phrase that springs to mind is, 'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA'. I need to get in on this web design racket, it sure beats selling crack." -- Lowtax, at somethingawful.com

"I'm sorry to hear that Sieg is still standing. Better luck next quake." -- Mike Ernst, UW CSE alumnus

"OK, the earthquake is over, and Sieg is still standing. Can't win 'em all." -- Ed Lazowska

"Earthquake update, 14:00 2/28/01: Sieg Hall is still standing. Damn." -- announcement on the Computer Science and Engineering home page

"Shit no, not another skinny mujer!" -- random man on NYC subway

"Dan Grossman? In a CS Ph.D. program? We must harness this power for good!" -- Saul Zipkin, to Sarah

Bart, debugging code: "Hello, dumb motherfucker."
Me: "Can I quote you on that?"
Bart: "I am a dumb motherfucker."
Me: "Okay, I'm gonna quote you on that."

"I took a hit of NyQuil, and I feel it starting to seep into my brain now." -- Jennifer

"I made an assumption ... that turns out to be wrong." -- Dmitriy, explaining the culmination of several hours of debugging

Me, whining about JavaC: "Already been defined, my ass!"
Bart: "Really?"
Me: "My ass has already been defined, thank you very much."

"They closed the state today. Connecticut is closed." -- Laura

"... pointy-headed language people." -- Craig Chambers, referring to the academic programming languages community, of which he is a member

Bart, reading a headline: "Vice President Cheney's heart problems surface anew."
Me: "Did they hit any Japanese fishing boats on the way up?"

"I'm afraid the choir is not fully prepared -- especially those goddamned altos who never seem to know what they're doing. No, I'm being too harsh, the tenors and basses also are often clueless." -- Jen, a soprano

"I'm sorry that I threw you a curve today. Would it help if I took my clothes off?" -- Bart

"You just need to have faith that I'm not crazy." -- Laura

"The phone company was the hardest one to cut loose on because they're really interested in keeping your service right now. ... They wanted to know where I was going, and I just said, 'Somewhere where you can't reach me. Sorry.'" -- astronaut Susan Helms, on cutting ties to Earth before her four-month stay aboard Space Station Alpha

"I'm sorry. I'm such a fuck-up!" -- Me

"You could be the 'vomiting stilt-walker'; you would be the entertainment for the night." -- Stephanie

Bart: "Little quote for the day. [forgetting what it was] Oh, shit."
Dmitriy and Me: "That's a pretty good quote."

"Fame is a mutating food on a shifting plate." -- overheard on the bus

Evan F.: "I've never heard the phrase before."
Sarah, trying to explain: "... I can't think of a suitable hypothetical. ... Name me a man who isn't Jesse."
Evan: "... uh ... Grossman."
Sarah: "Nope."
Evan: "But Dan is your FRIEND!"
Sarah: "Evan, Dan and I are _not_ `friends with privileges'."
Evan: "I just don't understand what you mean, then."

"I've never been a professor before, but ..." -- Zasha, pontificating

"Sorry, 'thesaurus' was not found in the thesaurus." -- a response from the Webster's Thesaurus utility on dante.u.washington.edu

"In this sketch from March 6th, astronomer Gunther Groenez has faithfully recorded the intriguing shapes and shades of major visible sunspot groups and labeled them according to their NOAA active region number. ... Groenez' technical equipment includes H and 2H pencil leads for the sunspot umbra (dark) and penumbra (light) areas respectively." -- from Astronomy Picture of the Day, 2001 March 15

"... use a bastard file to sharpen your backhoe." -- heard (not quite as written :) on an NPR gardening segment