August - November 2000 Oldproj

"The Gnomes, assisted by the Girlie Mags, are going to try to control the Feminists." -- Sean, playing Illuminati

"I want my Girlie Mags." -- Me

Laura: "I think you should wear a bib."
Hanif, acerbicly: "Who's drooling cheese?"

"Well, yes, except for the fact that no." -- Aleagia (our waitress at the Sea Breeze restaurant in Guilford, CT, and also Hanif's girlfriend)

Hanif: "Do you feed coleslaw to the fish?"
Sean: "Better yet, do you feed the fish to the coleslaw?"

Aleagia: "Sean, would you like anything for dessert?"
Sean: "Do you have whipped cream?"
Aleagia: "Yes."
Sean: "Are you on the menu?"

Me: "I don't want to be here for the consequences."
Laura: "The consequences on me?"
Me: "Yes, because Hanif doesn't aim his consequences so well."

"Wow, I got chick with hold kit." -- Sean (don't ask us; we don't understand any better than you)

"I'd like it such that a skilled veterinarian could save it." -- Hanif, ordering his hamburger rare

"I can't remember how to say 'sizzling little belly' in ... in, uh ..." -- Sean, apparently not remembering the language either

Me: "And that's not contagious. It's genetic. So don't have my children."
Sean: "I'll try not to."

"If a clam can be happy, then I'm as happy as a clam with a barnacle's-sized penis." -- Sean

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have most definitely landed in Seattle." -- Alaska Airlines flight attendant, after our plane formed a crater in the runway at SeaTac

Scott C., trying to trade MP3s with me: "I don't really have a list but if you tell me what ur lookin for then i mite be able to get that song to u."
Me: "Do you have any progressive rock? I would be delighted if you had tracks from Anglagard or Clockhammer ..."
Scott, really missing the mark: "How about by A Perfect Circle?"

    Actor Sir Alec Guinness Dies at Age 86
     LONDON (AP) -- Sir Alec Guinness, a Shakespearean actor who was knighted after his role in ``The Bridge on the River Kwai'' and was introduced to a new generation of fans as a wise Jedi knight in ``Star Wars,'' has died at age 86. Guinness died Saturday at the King Edward VII hospital after becoming ill at his home near Petersfield in southern England, hospital spokeswoman Jenny Masding said today. The cause of death was not revealed, although news reports said he was battling liver cancer.

"Were I wearing anything, 'twould be black." -- Sean, after hearing of Sir Alec Guinness's death

"How is `to narc' a transitive verb? ``Dan's getting rambunctious. Let's throw him in the car; that'll narc him.''?" -- Sean, questioning my mislabeled definition of a term I coined

"The questions will be tougher, reflecting the level of Canadian intelligence. Our standards will be higher." -- Pamela Wallin, host of the new Canadian TV version of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire"

"They called him that [`Shitty Batter'] because he was a real shitty batter. He'd swing at anything, Dugan would. I swear, I once saw him swing at a throw the pitcher made to first base." -- Herman Jacobs, "In My Day, Ballplayers Were For Shit", The Onion, 8/2/00

"With all due respect, I think that's like saying the veterinarian and the taxidermist are in the same business because either way you get your dog back." -- VP candidate Joseph Lieberman, scoffing at GOP attempts to liken some of his campaign positions to those of Bush

"I sense that I will never be friends with the workings of the endocrine system ..." -- Jennifer

"Ha ha, let the toilets go to pot. That's funny." -- Will, regarding a joke I didn't know I had made

"So where am I taking me?" -- Laura

[grossman] i'm not flirting ... I'm being Sean :)
[lkp3] then you're flirting

"Our sushi chefs have up to ten years experience preparing the best sushi Seattle has to offer." -- Hana Grill website (heh-heh, they said "sushi chefs")

[grossman] the spirit is willing, but the flesh is so weak?
[lkp3] only the left part of the flesh

"And you probably don't want to wake my dad ... he might get really silent at you." -- Laura, re her father, who never speaks

"When LinuxWorld Conference & Expo first started, people came to find out what Linux was all about. Now people come to get a glimpse of the future." -- Charlie Greco, CE of IDG World Expo

"I've been known to screw up things involving the number 4." -- Will

"Anyhow, if you want to send a request for females off to Rachel/Frankye, feel free. I am not certain what your intent is, but I imagine it is of dubious moral character ..." -- Frank, re Will's desire for at least one female student to be assigned to our office

"... so be sure to check your email ... cause you never do." -- Laura

"We both have black hair." -- Jia-chi Wu, describing himself and his girlfriend, both Taiwanese, such that I would more easily find them at SeaTac airport

"A quick glance at the pre-game paperwork would send a quick glance away thinking 'mismatch', but games aren't played on paper; they're played inside TV sets." -- Kenny Mayne, SportsCenter, 8/16/00

"What is this?" -- Asian-American cashier in the UWMC cafeteria, upon my handing her a Susan B. Anthony dollar

"'I still have nightmares about the Very Large And Extreme Gyroscope Of Science,' Grein said. 'That monstrous apparatus almost taught the children of Seattle about angular momentum the hard way.'" -- from "Science Guy Bill Nye Killed in Massive Vinegar/Baking-Soda Explosion", The Onion, 8/23

"... (and you are not root)" -- umount, adding insult to injury after refusing to allow me to unmount a device (mainly because the device apparently didn't exist)

"enqueueing" -- comment in my program code and candidate for the English word with the greatest number of consecutive vowels (5)

"If a tumor is localized, then surgery is an adequate treatment for the obvious reason that a localized cancer ceases to exist with surgical obliteration." -- from "The Biological Basis of Cancer", by McKinnell, Parchment, Perantoni, & Pierce, pg. 52

Me: "So I don't even want to know whose tampons these are in the bottom drawer."
Will: "I think those are Greg's."
Me, after a little while: "Uh ... where does he stick them?"

"Oh, and a drummer would be great, too, but we'll settle for someone to bonk a tambourine." -- Ken Y., requisitioning volunteer musicians for his UW-CSE Orientation Band

"Basses ... check in once in a while." -- Maestro George Halverson Fiore, the new Seattle Symphony Chorale conductor, at the first rehearsal of the 2000-2001 Season (9/5/00)

Fiore: "Notice that it says pianissimo at the beginning ... so sing quietly. Except for the basses. Whenever it says pianissimo, you should be singing mezzo forte."
Chorale: (laughter)
Me (succeeding as the first singer to actually have a question heard, let alone answered by Maestro 'Ludwig'): "So, if we're supposed to sing mezzo forte when it says pp, how loud do we sing for ppp?"
Fiore: "Mezzo piano."
Chorale: (laughter)

"Basses ... when I shake my hand like this, it's not because I have a palsy." -- M. Fiore, conducting in vain

"I took classes at SFSU and Berkeley and was like, 'Dude, I'm smart!' and then I came back here and instantly it's like, 'Wow, I'm really dumb!'" -- Anne R., at Yale

"Antarctica's ozone hole now covers an area three times larger than the entire land mass of the United States - the largest such ozone-depleted region ever observed." -- science.nasa.gov Science News, 09/08/2000

"Sounds like you're moving around the block." -- Celeste, an Eddie Bauer First Consumers National Bank customer service representative, after hearing my change of address information (24th Ave to 25th Ave)

"I don't know what your problem is with the lighting in here ..." -- Janie, a blind member of the Seattle Symphony Chorale, during 'stand up and say something about yourself' at the end of our annual retreat, throughout which people had been bitching about inadequate light

"Peart is especially out of control on 'Cygnus', but if you are not a fan of Lee's vocal style, this piece will drive you nuts because Lee has somehow added an octave to his range on this song." -- from a review of Rush's "A Farewell to Kings" on Amazon.com

"Fonetik spelers of thee wurld, uniet!" -- Professor Henry Kautz

"I left your vaginal mucosas the same, and I put in your bladder and your rectum." -- overheard male doctor talking to female doctor

"I can show up any time and sign anything, within reason." -- Frank

"Update: Wasp was killed by Light and Truth. I hate Light and Truth." -- Laura

"'I have kneeled toward Mecca three times today already,' added Hanani, gesturing eastward in the direction of a TCBY stand." -- from The Onion, "Terrorist Extremely Annoyed by Delayed Flight", 09/13/00

Corey's first e-mail: "Let me see if I have a bucket-like device ..."
Corey's second e-mail: "Yes, I have a bucket."

"Students will be moving into residence halls beginning Sept. 21. Expect congestion and confusion in the northeast part of campus ..." -- from UW HotNews

Marc F.: "I know that giving money is always considered awful and tasteless, but has anyone considered just giving her a large lump sum of money?"
Me: "Nope, 'cuz that would be awful and tasteless."

"Dipsomaniacal Dan," -- Laura, in ironic salutation

"Getting married was definitely a time sink this summer." -- Tammy V. (nee W.)

"While copperheads are indigenous to Maryland, they are commonly found in wooded or swampy areas, and not inside brick and granite courthouses." -- AP, "Snake Found in MD Courthouse", 09/18

"... limited grasp of English, the lingua franca of popular music ..." -- Richie Unterberger, "[Introduction to] Progressive Rock", www.allmusic.com

"So, the Pit Party is fast approaching (at the usual rate of 1hr/hr)." -- Frank, Pit Party Coordinator

"... presuming very sociable cows." -- Me, explaining how late I'd be able to stay at an evening meeting

"I've got fast eyes, yo." -- Loveline caller, explaining how it's possible for him to read pornography while having sex

Jayant, in middle of e-mail from India, concerning our new officemate: "About Pradeep ... he is the son of the Devil. All beware."
Jayant, at end of e-mail from India: "About Pradeep ... he's not the son of the Devil as I claimed he was. But, beware of him anyway."

"Hi. This is the qmail-send program at sleet.consystant.com. I'm afraid I wasn't able to deliver your message to the following addresses. This is a permanent error; I've given up. Sorry it didn't work out." -- mail error message in my Inbox

"So far I'm most compatible with Hanif's mom." -- Laura, regarding a compatibility test Hanif made her take

Haiku's inventor
Must have had seven fingers
On his middle hand.

Phone surveyor: "What religion do you consider yourself to belong to?"
Steve: "Judaism."
Surveyor: "So ... would that ... fall under ... 'Jewish'?"

"I'll get Carpal Thumb or something." -- Professor Les Atlas, placing his thumb in quite an awkward position such that his lecture overheads would be readable

"One of the problems with invisibility is how do you know it's there?" -- Professor Gaetano Borriello, regarding "invisible computing"

"He wore sandals to Parliament, dated celebrities such as Barbra Streisand and actress Margot Kidder, flashed an obscene hand signal to protesters, and once did a pirouette behind the back of Britain's Queen Elizabeth." -- AP, "Former Canadian PM Trudeau Dies", 09/28/2000

"Out of the whole Messiah, this is the piece that is most often butchered." -- a misspeaking by Maestro Fiore

"Vocalize 'Je-sus' as 'YEE-soo'." -- funny Chorale rehearsal note from bass section leader, John Atcheson

``I actually emailed you to say "your mom" and "you're mom" in the same note.'' -- Sean

"Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore." -- from "Cubicle Wisdom"

"My dad's immediate response was, `You'll love it there. It's even more beautiful than Minnesota.' But everyone else's response has been, `Iowa?'" -- Jennifer

"Towel?" -- Will, dangling several sheets of a paper towel roll in front of my face

"There are only ten Jews in the world. The rest are done with mirrors." -- Becky

"The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music." -- /uns/games/fortune

Me: "Daaaaaaaaah!"
Frank "the Red" McSherry: "Yes!"

Message on north side of Kidd Valley Hamburgers sign: "EAT HERE"
Message on south side of Kidd Valley Hamburgers sign: "WE SPECIALIZE IN FULL STOMACHS"

"I am worthless. In order to calculate my worth, you have to use rubles." -- Me

Frank, in Sieg 233: "Like chickens, and vitamin C ... things that are regularly accessible to a human."
Me, skeptically: "Show me a chicken!"

"That is, we don't want to make use of the fortuitous fact that we happen to be interpreting Scheme in Scheme." -- Todd

"Ugh. My thinking (and testing) skills are weak." -- Professor Craig Chambers

"Well, Scheme doesn't really have syntax ..." -- ibid.

"No, I haven't sung this one, but you may still significantly increase your respect for me." -- Jennifer

"Methane might be hard to reduce -- short of eliminating cattle -- but the gas is also released by landfills, natural gas production, and farmers burning forests to create fields." -- from MSNBC.com, on possible measures for curtailing global warming, 10/26/00

"The good news is that we didn't hit the asteroid. And there is no bad news." -- Robert Farquhar, mission director for NEAR at Johns Hopkins University's Applied Physics Laboratory (APL), re 10/26's 5.3-km Eros flyby