Me: "And how are you going to kill me?"
Frank (other side of the room): "With my boot!"
Me (uncertainly): "Your boot?"
Will: "I heard 'my boobs'."
Me: "Yeah, I heard 'boobs' too."
Frank: "That's gonna cost you!"
Me, laughing: "Exactly how much is it going to cost me?"
Frank: "25 cents a grope."
"Ignore this message - wrong class." -- Tim, in an e-mail, after accidentally spamming the cse561 mailing list as opposed to the cse544 mailing list
"How can I overcome my fear that eating will cause me to go bald?" -- Question of the Day on DrDrew.com
"Is this a real question, or is this a 'why are you such a dumb fuck' question?" -- Frank
"I'll keep checking /Private for the excellent downloads and fly-ass coochies." -- Peter, in reference to the Delta ebonics commercial downloadable from my MP3 download page
"That's the thing I like about LaTeX users: they are concerned with the finer things in life. Now if this was about Microsoft Word the discussion would be about document-eating viruses or something instead." -- Professor Alan Borning
"The ability of elements of faith to persist for so long in such isolation is truly an amazing thing." -- Tania Kaufman, regarding Jewish practices among the native Brazilian population, into which Jews were forced to blend by the Portuguese
"HelloMetallica" -- nickname of a user on Napster
Will: "It's touching me where I don't want to be touched ..."
Me: "Bad touch! Bad touch!"
Will: "... my no-no place."
Bart, to me: "Wouldn't it be fun not to be a BS-er?"
Justin, answering for me: "Not if it required more work."
"... not sure I understand her mode of thinking. 'My daughter has been away for almost 5 months. She's 21 years old. Hmmm ... what to get her? OH! I know! A big stuffed strawberry!' I love my mom. I think it's nap time." -- Laura, having recently arrived back home from France
"Any questions about wrappers? 'Cause I don't have any good answers." -- Alon
"... (also, no 'abandoning ship', please)." -- Scott Dakins, in a last-minute reminder e-mail for the annual CSE end-of-year cruise (during which, two years ago, a student jumped overboard and swam to Bill Gates's house, where he was promptly arrested)
"Fast, clean & cheap! Want those e-mail forwards like brand-spanking new? Dan's your man! He'll have those pesky carrots [sic] rooted out before you can say 'eh_whassup.doc'!" -- Michele, my advertising service
"It takes forever and a half to get stuff working in C++." -- Frank
"So, you smoke marijuana and then you just ... comprehend breasts?" -- Bart
"What the hell? You short motherfucker!" -- Justin, to me, as I stand on a chair to reach a ball that he put on top of a ceiling light in our office, with the ball still two feet out of my reach
Me, trying to justify the claim that 7-2=15 : "Seven minus two is five,
then carry the one!"
Justin: "Carry WHAT one?!"
Me: (dejected silence as I realize the error of my ways)
Justin: "Take THAT, bitch!"
"There can be no honor when I'm busy!" -- Justin, upon refusing to chop off my head after I committed hari-kari
[grossman] i have to imagine that a big large berry is a good companion
[lkp3] not like al
[grossman] really?
[lkp3] i love al
[grossman] al has charisma ...
[grossman] berries can have charisma too
[lkp3] and those sad eyes - gotta hug him and kiss that big ol' nose
[grossman] right ... so about the berry's charisma
[lkp3] do you want the berry?
[grossman] what would I do with a stuffed berry?
[lkp3] do you love the berry?
[grossman] I don't even KNOW the berry!
[lkp3] what would *I* do with a stuffed berry?
[lkp3] do you WANT to know the berry?
[grossman] not to the same extent YOU know the berry, that's for sure
[lkp3] i don't really KNOW the berry, not, like, carnally ...
[grossman] um ... whoa ... dude ...
"I see the sun outside and I am drawn to its cancerous power." -- Jennifer
"We can fire up the grill and have some sort of charbroiled beast for dinner." -- Michele, re her new barbecue
Me: "Hey, did I ever mention to you that the Chorale, uh, sucks?"
Jen: "No kidding."
Me: "Of course, I'm just talking about the men here."
Jen: "The women do, too."
"A ... path has been inspired by increased computational power.
Cell-by-cell Monte Carlo computer simulations have been attempted, but
seem too costly in time and memory to yield many practical results."
"OK. My job in life is to confuse the hell out of you. How am I doing?" -- Laura, who is doing quite nicely, thank you
Me: "Titan A.E. was actually not half bad. Animation was pretty darn
good."
Will: "I never doubted the quality of the animation. It's like saying,
hey, the porn movie had a lousy plot, but the animation was cool."
"Google's new gigantic index means that you can search the equivalent of a
stack of paper more than 70 miles high in less than half a second. This
unprecedented power enables millions of Google users worldwide to
communicate, learn, and entertain like never before."
"See? You can actually cure the patient when you use a correct treatment regimen." -- Dr. Press, after changing the default OncoTCap cancer treatment model (in which the patient dies 100% of the time) to one that made sense
"Church = greenhouse" -- Laura
"By the way, thanks for the suggestion about volunteering for research projects 'n stuff. ... The problem is that of my exposure to 3 professors, the one who stands out as superior is an audiology guy, not SLP. I don't really ... wait, this is a boring topic. Even I am barely interested. Nevermind." -- Jennifer, censoring herself
"Finally, an article about Elian that I'm happy to see: `Elian Leaves U.S. for Cuba'" -- Tim
"You are so lovely."
"Yes."
"Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess."
"... but, dude, if I can be a princess, I can be a goddess too." -- Laura
"I walked by Sieg yesterday, and I admired it's dated and tasteless design as well as the many patches of exterior damage." -- Jennifer
"... monitor derrieres ..." -- Jennifer, in describing what passersby can see through the windows of Sieg Hall
Me, attempting to be humorous with a female doctor-type who was using the
small dinky microwave in the combination kitchen/copier room in the
Radiation Oncology department: "So, are the dosimeters needed because the
microwave is really powerful or because of the radiation lab across the
hall?"
Woman, clearly not getting the humour: "Hu--wha? Who are -- what are you
talking about?"
Me, pointing to her dosimeter: "Y'know ... the dosimeters you guys are
wearing."
Woman, still in need of a clue: "I dunno anything about what's here ... I
work up in the Cancer Center."
"Yo momma so fat, they tried to play Mahler's `Symphony of a Thousand' but all they could fit on stage was a couple hundred and yo momma." -- Peter
Q: "Will Ray Park (Darth Maul) be back in any capacity for Episode II?"
Rick McCallum: "Ray Park did a fabulous job for us, but didn't you see the
dude get sliced in half at the end of the film? Would he come back as
two halves? I'd love to work with Ray again, but at this stage there
aren't any plans to do so."
"According to Lucas, Episode II will see `Darth Sidious take over the Republic, turn it into an Empire, and control everything.'" -- ibid.
"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they become soggy and hard to light. Do not throw cigarette butts into the urinal, for they are subtle and quick to anger." -- /usr/games/fortune
"... don't read the fine print -- neither you nor anyone else understands it." -- Dad, regarding an account application
"... back to the vaguely-hallowed, quasi-ivied, but muchly Gothic `hood' of our vagrant youth so many moons ago." -- Sean, referring to, um, Yale
"You can't keep me innocent forever." -- Laura
"It's great because it's the millennium Wimbledon. There won't be another millennium Wimbledon for another millennium." -- Venus Williams, upon winning the Wimbledon 2000 doubles competition with her sister Serena
"For programs that would have ended up as spaghetti anyway, the object-oriented model is good: they will at least be structured spaghetti." -- Paul Graham, in "ANSI Common Lisp"
"We may be able to ignore the impossible." -- Me
"I didn't tell you my game plan before the fight because I wanted to mess with you. Yeah, my plan was pretty much to beat the crap out of him."-- UFC Middleweight champ Frank Shamrock, after a successful title defense
"I made him quit. I made him say, 'OK, I give up, please don't hit me any more.'" -- the Ultimate (Middleweight) Fighter, Frank Shamrock
"Bring 'em on! No one can beat me." -- indeed, Frank Shamrock
"I'm the man! Bring 'em on!" -- yes, Frank "The Milkshake" Shamrock
"You might even put a little stool (the furniture, not the biowaste) next to the toilet for convenience." -- Sean
"Electric with riveting sword and martial arts sequences, dressed in mind-blowing masterwork of special effects, and haunted by a villain who makes Kergan from HIGHLANDER I look like Bambi ..." -- from the Highlander (IV): Endgame website
"FTP" -- a Washington license plate number
"Service pack 1 for Internet Explorer 5.01 was recently released. If you don't run IE 5.01 and don't plan to, congratulations: you can stop reading now." -- Scott Rose, in a newsgroup post
"I'm looking for a physicist. Have you seen any around?" -- a female M.D., wandering the halls of the RadOnc department with a look of anguish and desperation on her face
"Anyway, she's excited to see you and Sean. She wants to sneak onto our floor and kick around toilet paper." -- Laura, re Shakti
"By `here', do you mean `there'?" -- Me, to Laura
"It freezes my sodas fine." -- Will, re the quality of his freezer
"... but then again, my butt is mild-mannered by day, but at night it becomes Mighty-Arborial-Primate-Generator-Ass, the `most powerful rectum in the universe!!!'" -- Sean, regarding "a group of legendary pop songwriters" having selected the Beatles' "In My Life" as the Greatest Song Ever Written
"That's a relief; I suppose my backside is actually standard-issue, after all." -- Sean, recanting
"Necesito kill them." -- Will, playing Unreal
"Am I the only one who thought Sabretooth was being played by James Hetfield of Metallica?" -- from a slashdot review of X-Men
Me: "Pretty early in your life for Alzheimer's."
Will, a summer Microsoftie: "There's a cure and vaccine coming soon."
Me: "Yeah, but I'm not sure it's compatible with Microsoft Immune System."
`... and you usually get the first "uh-oh, laura's bored" email.' -- Laura
Laura: "You're not dead."
Me: "I was. I'm better now."
"Fortunately, Dan has control over when shul ends this week." -- Becky
"Leggo my ego." -- Me
"NASA Delays Shuttle Launch Out of Sheer Habit" -- www.theonion.com, 7/19
"Sociologists have long recognised that the key to predicting whether a new technology will take off is to determine if it offers pornography." -- Charles Arthur, independent.co.uk, "Porn sites clue to WAP phone success", 8 July, 2000
"Overall, Americans are managing to elude death a little bit longer ..." -- from 7/25 AP article, "Report: Life expectancy hits high"
"I also added a couple tracks from Laibach's `Jesus Christ Superstars' simply because listening to them makes one's ass fall off." -- Me
"Men are not complete until they are married. Then they are finished." -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Auto Industry Agrees To Install Brakes In SUVs" -- the Onion, 7/25/2000
"No, but if you see Rick Levin, a kick in the pants ought to suffice. Nothing personal against him, it would just be funny." -- Neeman
"I am smart, I detect scams like corpse in wind" -- Lowtax, the brains behind the pranks at somethingawful.com
narc (v. intr.) - to succumb to narcolepsy, especially as a result of riding in a motor vehicle
This page last updated 08/26/2003.